And We Say... For What Reason

Working at the mall, I see couples and groups of friends sharing in each others' company all day. Although I am smiling on the outside, I am breaking apart piece by fractured piece for every time I tape on a smile that doesn't extend to my eyes. Every second I spend with them, looking at them, yearning for what they appear to have, I wish for some semblance of the lie they portray. I am hoping for that person to make me forget the bad thoughts. For the person to tell me they love me even with my many flaws. For someone to call not text me in the middle of the night just to make sure I am ok, just to hear my voice. For someone to want to spend every second with me that they beam with joy upon my return. Someone to spend the days and nights in thier arms. Someone like you.

And my greatest fear from this is that I will never find another person that will make me feel as you did for that one summer. That one roller coaster of a wonderful summer. And here I am, a year later, still crying for time lost, for things left unsaid. Wishing I could tell you how I still feel. How, when I see someone that reminds me of you, I wish to run right back in. But you are gone now, and there is no return, no rewind button, replay - no matter how much I wish for it.

Some things, no matter how much you believe in them, just won't come true.

I know you have moved on, but I still find myself clutching at the memories of me and you. Even though you never acknowledged that label until I was gone, until it was too late. Until the only thing it accomplished in doing was tearing apart my heart. Tearing it so deep that when the cuts became scars, they still ached and caused pain so bad that no one ever knew.

For this power you still have, I am the most sorry. So sorry that though I know things should be said, the only thing I can do is to lose myself exactly how you taught me to do. Breathe deep. Breathe strong. Hold. Exhale. Swallow, sniff, forget. Get lost in you, from you, from me, from everything that means meant you and me.

At least for a while.



'As long as you hold me Ill get by
As long as you need me Ill try not to die.'
---As long as you hold me, Kirsty MacColl