Returning to the Land of the Suns

I had a small setback the other day. Down 1.2 from yesterday though.

Todays intake:
3 XL DD Coffees (220)
Fiber One Blueberry Yogurt (50)
17 Grapes (51)
Total: 321

After having my grapes at 530, I was so worried that I would be tempted to binge that I had a sip of cough syrup and made myself sleep. I woke at nine, and now just feel funny. When I woke up, I weighed myself and was down .4 from this morning. I nam finally back on track, getting back down there and it feels so great.

Bad: I am a horrible person. It would appear to be true that I lead people on. I can't say I don't entirely realize what I am doing, because I do, I just don't like to hurt people so I just allow things to happen that really shouldn't. He came over last night and I know we both had quite different intentions. but I was unable to voice my feelings on the matter. Now, I am hiring him at work, so this should be interesting. What to do?

Do I explain to him that I really don't see myself with anyone, male female or anyhting inbetween or outside? Or do I just tell him I want to be friends thast I do not like him like that...

Oh to the confusion that is me...

Dear I'm lost

CW: Too much.

Today:
Small Orange (80)
Two cookies (400) (50)
Yogurt (90)

I was doing really well today. Until I left work. I went to my other work, had two more cookies, went home ate dinner with my sister, broccoli, fries. Then had cereal with my brother when he got home at ten... As soon as everyone left the kitchen, I went to my room and puked until nothing more would come out. I feel like such a complete failure. I threw away a relatively good day as soon as I left work... why?
However, after p, I weighed myself, .2 up from this ,morning. Just did my DVD, 3 lax. Hopefully it will be better. When I was done, I looked out my back door to the kitchen window and noticed the light was on. Someone was in the kitchen, right outside my room, while I was p. This happened last night as well. I think they know.

Tomorrow:
Gym (stairstepper, 20 mins. treadmill, 33 mins. arm circles 5 mins, stretched)
work 12-7
1 small orange (80)
yogurt (90)
100 calories oreo pack (100)
Total:270

I feel like because I have written this down for whoever to see, I usually feel more obligated to stick to it. Right now, I have the biggest headache, but I really don't want to take anything because I am afraid someone is in the kitchen and my pills are out there....

I will finally havea day off on Friday. Last week, from Wednesday to yesterday, I worked about 63 hours. I've done this before, but it was longer shifts so I still had days off, whereas this past week was normal shifts and no days off. I guess this is what happens when I am manager...

I feel like I am not making any sense right now, but it wouldn't really make any sense to reread it to check now would it?

Bleeding

All I feel lately is guilt discust pain sadness helplessness. I cannot face you. I much want to, would love to, but not yet, not when I can barely face myself. I am sorry, becasue you don't deserve this. I was jsut looking at a picture of us. And I wanted to cry so much. Just wanted to tell you that I love you, always will, no matter how I fail to show it. Please do not hate me. Please don't forget about me...

Going to look at an apartment on Tuesday hopefully. It doesn't have a stove. But that's ok. Super ok actually. And very much in my price range. W eshall see how it goes. Work in six hours though....

And We Say... For What Reason

Working at the mall, I see couples and groups of friends sharing in each others' company all day. Although I am smiling on the outside, I am breaking apart piece by fractured piece for every time I tape on a smile that doesn't extend to my eyes. Every second I spend with them, looking at them, yearning for what they appear to have, I wish for some semblance of the lie they portray. I am hoping for that person to make me forget the bad thoughts. For the person to tell me they love me even with my many flaws. For someone to call not text me in the middle of the night just to make sure I am ok, just to hear my voice. For someone to want to spend every second with me that they beam with joy upon my return. Someone to spend the days and nights in thier arms. Someone like you.

And my greatest fear from this is that I will never find another person that will make me feel as you did for that one summer. That one roller coaster of a wonderful summer. And here I am, a year later, still crying for time lost, for things left unsaid. Wishing I could tell you how I still feel. How, when I see someone that reminds me of you, I wish to run right back in. But you are gone now, and there is no return, no rewind button, replay - no matter how much I wish for it.

Some things, no matter how much you believe in them, just won't come true.

I know you have moved on, but I still find myself clutching at the memories of me and you. Even though you never acknowledged that label until I was gone, until it was too late. Until the only thing it accomplished in doing was tearing apart my heart. Tearing it so deep that when the cuts became scars, they still ached and caused pain so bad that no one ever knew.

For this power you still have, I am the most sorry. So sorry that though I know things should be said, the only thing I can do is to lose myself exactly how you taught me to do. Breathe deep. Breathe strong. Hold. Exhale. Swallow, sniff, forget. Get lost in you, from you, from me, from everything that means meant you and me.

At least for a while.



'As long as you hold me Ill get by
As long as you need me Ill try not to die.'
---As long as you hold me, Kirsty MacColl

back To the Circle from Corset

Hey guys, I have the internet again!! FINALLY. Now I can better distract myself from all the... bad. Up early, been working about 60 hours a week lately. Even the little time I have been on the internet, I feel the help it has given me... Just wanted to say hey to whoever might still be out there. Sorry I've been gone for so long guys.

Lovehurtpainaddictionlifedeath

Today is the SECOND day that I have achieved not purging. I have been going back and forth between the same five pounds mainly due to b/p. I just wish I had never discovered the ability to p. Life was so much easier.

He is back from NH. The boy from last summer. The one that caused so much lovehurtpaindesireescapeaddictionlife. He is back. I haven't seen him yet, but I know the day I simply catch a glimpse of him will be a hard day indeed. A very scary hard day. Luckily, I have been working so much lately that the only other thing I really have time to do is go for my run, shower and go to bed. Then get up and do it all over again the following day. I just don't know what I am doing anymore, really.

I don't know where I am going, what I am doing, how I am going to amount to anything more than a pathetic girl that can't go a day without feeling the edge of something or other.

The thought of my razors have been more and more tempting as the days go by and the numbers remain the same. I feel like as long as I am still living at home, nothing is going to change. My goal is to be moved out by the end of January at the latest. It is definitely plausible to do.

I have decided to try to take mostly, if not all, online classes this semester to avoid what happened last year. To avoid the anxiety, panic, and all together procrastination that led to my amazing 1.75 overall GPA for the entire last year. Hopefully I can keep coming back on here as I will soon have the internet again at my house. Sorry for the long absence. Absence of will of motivation of honesty and control. Determination.

hellogoodbyeroundandround

Hey guys I am really truly sorry about not being here for so long. I have fallen to the other side. Can't seem to resist... however, I am slowly getting... better. No numbers for awhile, but I will try not to be gone for so long again. Been writing more on my journal than anywhere else...