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An Interlude

Anon: ... if you actually look at the blog for a few minutes, that answer will be OBVIOUS. She is actually trying to get people to understand that this is Not a game. That it ruins you, that it is not only about the numbers and thast when you get to yous UGW, you will be satisfied, because most likely you will not.

CW: 101.6 this morning.
Walked 5.5 miles to the store and back. The time spend in the two stores included, took about 2 hours. Burned about 300 cals.
Had bran(80) with milk(45) and banana(50) =(175).
However, I also had a bit of other stuff, pretty much the same thing as last night... but purged all the way back to my bran.

So much for going to the Hibachi tomorrow and spending the day with the friend... I asked her what time we were going, and she said we were no longer going, but if plans changed, she would let me know. I know I should be happy about this, as I have avoided all those calories, but I just feel so let down. Ditched. Again.

Earlier, I had planned on only having egg whites today and stopped at the store to pick some up. I got there, and even put them in the basket. However, the mercy for animals video kept playing and replaying in my mind. Those chickens in the cages, but especially the baby make chicks being thrown into the grinder alive, simply becasue they were male... I have watched these videos before, but for some reason, this time it really hit me. Yes I still drink milk and sometimes eat cheese, but all in due time, I think I probably won't... It just haunts me.

CAUTION: the following, until I say, is kinda TMI, but I was happy, and it's kinda important for me I guess. I'll make it blod when I'm done with TMI.


So, today was kinda of an important day. As you know, I have been trying to lessen my use of lax. Stopped taking them the day I got my tongue pierced, then took only 1 last Sunday and since then, haven't had on. ANS Guess what I did today ALL ON MY OWN WIthout lax?!?!?

oK, I'm done. Sorry.

Self-Starvation

This is a girl on tumblr. It shocks me what is going through my mind as I read this. I can't type now, but I needed to share ir with you guys. Granted, it does not have the intended effect, but I just need to freewrite right now.

She Will Break You

As the tears rush down my face,
I wonder what I have done.
My heart breaks into a tiny million pieces
For times lost and terrifying setbacks.


I know it needs work, I just wrote it now. I mini-binged a few hours ago and still I feel like shit. I did manage, I think, to get most of it up. I had drank (drunk, drinked, wtf??) some bright red drink mix a bit before. My housemate wanted me to make her brownies for this coming finals week. However, she got out the mix and such today, and asked me to make one box for just general that everyone would be able to eat - whatever. I knew I shouldn't have made them, but I ignored myself. I made them anyways. I ate some of the mix, then I ate a bit more.
Brownie mix, 3 bites(200)
About 5 cookies (400)
2 slices bread(150)
ketchup, it. dressing (70)
Then when the brownies were done, I cut off the edges adn had a bit of brownie with a scoop of ice cream (250)

I know many people would criticise me for calling this a binge, but when you usually consume less than 300 calories a day and burn off at least 150 of those, this is quite ridiculous. Also, it is because I just felt... out of control, detatched, I guess. I then threw all the brownies away, including the unopened box. I will buy her new ones and make them Sunday night when she gets back and ask her to please keep them in her room. She won't ask why, because I have done this before. I really don't care if she suspects anything, becasue I am leaving soon, no one here will see me again, and no one here knows anything except the general area where I live. two and a half hours away.

Sorry this wasn't all that interesting, I just wanted to get that off my chest. It makes me feel better, usually, when I can letit out. Thanks for listening to my pity party or whatever.

At first, I wasn't going to purge, becasue I am trying to stop that, but it was jsut too much. I was feeling physically nauscious from all the sugar and just general fullness I guess. Toothbrush here I come. Afterwards, I just started crying. I think that;s honestly the first time I have really cried after a binge. Oftentimes, I will just feel numb, pathetic, sad, but this time was different. I felt like a complete failure, not worthy of anything. Belittled by my own lack of control...

Guilt

CW: 102.6


Just ate 'solid' food for te\he first time in a week. I feel so guilty, but I know it's irrational.

Today:
Small Blueberry Iced Coffee with Splenda (15)
3/4 c. Kellogg's Bran Original Cereal (90)
1/2 c. Skim milk (45)
1/3 Banana (33)
TOTAL: 183

Walk 2 miles (-100)
Net total: 83

I know it's not a lot, but I still feel horrible. Sunday, for Mother's Day I am going with the aid at my house who has kind of become a friend with her to a Japanese steakhouse then to the mall. Then on Thursday, she's bringing pizza. Sunday, I think I will either just have sauted veggies or just a salad.

Pointless rambling.

CW: 104.4

I got on the scale this morning. saw 104.6. Only down .2. I felt like such a failure. Just a few months ago, a .2 loss would have meant something, now, it's just not enough. Every night I dream nightmare after nightmare.

'You really don't have prominent collar bones, just kinda hints of them.'

That was still replaying itself back and forth when I opened my eyes. needless to say, I couldn't bring myself to go to class. Again. I don't know waht I'm doing anymore. Nothing else matters.

My sister went running yesterday around town. Probably about 2.5 miles in total. Sha was sad that my brother wouldn't go, but rode his bike alongside her. This made me happy. I told her that when I got back form uni, we could go running together. Running with her would make me never want to stop running - no matter how much pain I was in, I would make sure I run better than her.

By the time I get home, those jeans we bought to share WILL fit me well. They were a bit tight on me, a bit loose/good on her. I will be able to wear them with pride my the end of May. Promise.

I have yet to eat today, other than 8 oz. V8 lower sodium veggie juice(50). Needless to say, that stuff is not very yummy, but it IS 2 serv. of veggies. I barely feel hungry, nor the urge to eat, even.

I had the urgre to eat cookie after cookie after toast after ice cream last night. Instead, I grabbed a SF creamsicle and went for a walk. Did some exercises and got in the shower.

The aid at my house wanted to have dinner with me before I go home. She knows how much I was in LOVE with Buzzy's pizza. However, thankfully I told her that I couldn't have it until next Thursday, hoping she would give up, becasue I will not see her after Wednesday. However, she has decided that she is going to come over just to bring pizza and visit me. OK. Plan: Run at least 4 miles, stationary bike, walk around the city for 1 hour, more if the weather is nice. That should be ok, especially if I fast on Friday. Oh let me be strong. Let my stomach have shrunk enough from only having a small bit of applesauce accompanied by something small once daily for two weeks...

The Beginning of the End?

CW: 104.8

Someone recently asked me if this whole thing was maybe triggered by something, if something happened to set it in motion. At first, I really couldn't think of anything, it just kind of happened. However, the more I think about it, the more the dates seem to match up and make sense. maybe I'm just looking for an excuse, a reason, but it seems to make sense... This is really hard for me to write, but I think it might help (?)

Around last February i met this guy. He seemed sweet. But then He got pushy. I was at the time - and still am - a virgin. After about a month and a half, two months, he tried to go a bit further, and I didn't stop him. I suppose I didn't want him to be mad. I hate when people are mad at me. I felt used, dirty, a disgrace, afterwards. And yet, I let it happen again. At the end of March, I got back from Vermont from a weekend snowboarding trip with Ski Club. The following weekend, we went camping with some friends. It wasn't really all that exciting. After I had been there a few hours, everyone decided to go to sleep.

First thing. The tent zipper got stuck and he got pissed off. Kind of scared me, but not scary scared. Then, all he wanted to do was make out and attempt to go further. After a while I told him I wanted to go to sleep. A bit into the night, he woke up. I was awake, but he didn't know that as I was pretending to sleep. He had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and apparently taken his boxers off. He took my hand and... well, put the pieces together, because I refuse to say it. Or type it. I still pretended to sleep. He said 'I KNOW you're awake.' Still, I did nothing. The next morning, he completely ignored me. His friend, also a friend of mine, gave me a morning hug and made me breakfast. Was really nice to me. I the guy take me home. I went straight to my room. When I got to work, I told my friend, and she flipped out. When I finally confronted him, via text, he completely brushed it off. Claimed it was nothing, that I needed to get over myself and stop being so prude. I told him we were done, and he said something along the lines of 'Well, it was fun while it lasted. I know I had fun ;)'

I remember right around the same time was when I started really counting calories and checking the scale daily. I am not saying that is what caused it, exactly, just that it can't be JUST a coincidence. This has been bothering me for the past couple weeks, but hopefully not anymore.

I told Kristin that I had a blog, hoping, I guess, that she would ask about it, but all she did was laugh and say 'YOU BLOG?!' When I was at her house, I took lax, and usually, I won't tell her what they are, but I finally told her. She didn't get it. She just said 'ew, poo.' So, I give up. It's not worth telling anyone, because they have no idea. None at all.

_____________

I have been feeling on the verge of a panic attack as of late. I think know it is because of the coming weather and my going home. The fact that I am going home for good means I will inevitably need to tell my mom at least about my cutting. It is not so bad, since I stopped, but I juust don't want her to get all emotional and think I have finally completely forgiven her for what she did last june. No way. However, there really isn't a choice, becasue she is going to wonder anyways. I just don't know how to tell her. I am not really 'close' with my parents. Sure, we go shopping and I will hang out with her for a bit here and there and whatnot, but... I don't give her my confidences. If that makes any sense? I want to tell her outright, not in a letter or anything, but I jsut don't know. I will probably tell her something along the line of, I started, but I stopped. It doesn't even occur to me to do it anymore, really. I started, I guess, becasue I was jsut so unhappy at college. I really hated it, so that's what I turned to. However, I did get help, and I stopped. The reason I am telling to this,is because I don't want you to be wondering all summer, and me flipping out at you. Please, don't make a huge deal about this. I have dealt with it and stopped. I won't show you, so please don't ask. I realize it was stupid, well, it seems stupid now, but at the time, it really wasn't. I am sorry if this hurts you, but it is done and over with.

So what do you think?? Any advice or feedback?