Three

So, I took these Screening tests/surveys today for the counseling services at my uni. In about two weeks they will have a general free screening and, if needed, you will ge treferred to someone. Well, the screenings were:
Alcohol
Depression
Eating Disorder
General Anxiety Disorder
PTSD
Bipolar Disorder

Well, three of these, after I took the survey, told me I should seriously consider seeking professional help. Depression. ED. GAD. I would really like to get help for my depression. But I feel like if I were to go in and talk to someone, they would find out some shit that I don't want them to find out about... I don;t want to be this sad anymore. I want to be able to DO things like I used to before Graduation Day... That day will always be a turning stone in my life... and not because I graduated either. My entire high school graduation experience is marred with horrible memories that have soiled the good times of that time. But, I used to be somewhat happy. And before she did that the forrst time, I was a happy kid. But, according to my dad, after, I was never the same... I never had that shine in my eye anymore...

I think maybe I will ask my old therapist from high school if she thinks I should talk to them about it or not. I kept a lot from her. Only told her the better shit. The shit that didn't have to do with MY feelings. After a few years, we became more friends than doctor and patient...

Three

Into the Day

You know you will hate yourself as soon as you have eaten!
Are you seriously going to eat that? You are already a fat fucking whale!
You are worthless and weak, you can't get anything right, can you?
CONTROL! Maybe you should go fucking get some
I guess they were right... (Prove them wrong and be a skinny bitch)
Just LOOK at yourself... Don't let food control you. Nasty!


Get this through your head:
You will not give up
You will not be your weakness
You will now BINGE
You will be STRONG
You will be IN CONTROL
You will be skinny & beautiful
XXX

Inspiration

Weakness

FUUCK!!!! Today I went to lunch with a friend of mine from school at the cafe. I had the biggest crush on her, butn she has a pretty cool gf, so I so would not want to ruin that. But yea, I went o lunch with her, cuz she won't go alone. Neither will I. I had the following, because I am a fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat fucking cow that should be quarantined. But yea, I had the following:

1 Piece of pizza
Squash
1 Scoop FF Vanilla Ice cream
2 cookies


FUUUCKFUCKFucKFUCKFUCKFUCK

I feel discusting. To make up for this, I will eat nothing for three days. Tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday.

Only:

Water, Coffee of course, 0 Calorie flavour packs for my water.
If I feel too faint, I will drink some diet soda to make my tummy feel like it is full. Chew a lot of gum. NO ACCEPTIONS!!!

I am tired of looking at that scale and seeinf three numbers. There should be two small, very small numbers. It also measure my BMI, or bodt fat % or whatever. That is absolutely unacceptable and will soon be fixed.

Versus

Would I rather cut or smoke and feel the need to eat? Well, that answers itself, do doubt. As far as I am concerned, I would rather cut, feel the relief, rather than smoke, feel good for a while, eat a fucking shit load and feel like crap for a couple days. But that is my opinion.

I called the state college I had planned on transferring to in the spring semester adn they told me they give pririty to third semester students first, and then work thier way down. That I would have little to no chanve of getting in. That was when I broke down. For the like, fifth time in three days. What is wrong with me? I cry over the littlest thing.

And I realized today that by the tenth of october I need to make about $400 to be able to jsut pay my uni bill this month alone.

This girl I been talkin to that likes me works at this facility that works with autistic and disadvantaged youths. Its $10.84 a week, overnight, and full-time. She said she could probably get me in and that I would make about $1200 on the training alone. Even though it is an absolutely sucky job, I am quite desperate... I', going to go for it.

And I have an interview at McDonald's on Saturday. Hopefully that goes well. Even though it is with food, I won't need to worry, because I hate the smell of that place alone. But anyways, I will be carefull.

I really don't care. even a factory job would be good.

Begining of a Temporary End

So, as I said earlier, I will fill you in. Over the summer, a friend and I got together, but not all the way of course. He is absolutely, no question, the nicest guy, hell the nicest person, I have ever met. We hung out a bit, and it went form there. My nice 'little' drug habit is a gift from him. But I never regret one day spent with him. Never. The thing is, though, we talked about it, because, form the outside view we looked like the happiest couple. But, after talking about it, decided to be jsut friends... That hurt more than I can ever explain. But, I was selfish and wanted what I could get. Let my mind read into it what it may, I didn't care. I'm not saying we DID anything, because we didn't. It was the company. The feelings of being wanted and wanting that someone back. Because those feelings were real. The day I left for college, he moved out of state to get away from the drugs and moved in with his dad. Five hours away from home... The day we left, he called me to amke sure I made it to college -- and said he loved me. I said as well without thought. And it's been like that ever since. We talk about it. He asks if I've met anyone (I think he somewhat hopes I will, because he feels he hurt me. I will never tell him that) But I don't want anyone else. I want HIM. We have both mad eit clear that we want to be together. However, distance is getting in the way. We have both said whatever happens, will happen. And that is that. For now...

The drugs... Before college, I was doing soo many drugs it wasn't even funny. And it's not like I did some, decided those weren't good anymore and did something else. Nah, if someone asked me if I wasnted to do it, I pretty much did it. Keep in mind, I was legit straight egde before I turned eighteen in January. I started smoking, and then hanging out with him, I bagan smoking every day any time of the day. Mushrooms. E. Hydro 10s. Mollie (I'm pretty sure I spelled this wrong, but yea. MDMA). Mushrooms were by far my favourite, that's for sure.

But, when I was with him, I was happy. Almost forgot about my body. However, I was always on something, so I'm sure that had a bit to do with it... But still...

This last week I haven't smoked at all. And that's really good for me. Especially since when I get really down, I'll just get baked out of my mind, then hide my keys so I can't go get food, so that way, I have the wonderful feeling, but stop myself from being able to go get food and eat.

Ultimately...?

Someone recently asked me if I had an ultimate goal weight... I said I did not... Now, though, the thought will not get out of my head.





75.





It is such a pretty number. A pretty size.




I weighed myself today. It is absolutely unacceptable. Discusting. I don't even want to look at myself. How can anyone else? They are probably jsut humoring me into thinking that, but they are really thinking, wow, she's gained weight. And I fucking have, too. It's not a lie. I lost myself when I lost him. When I came here. I went this way, he went that way. I guess I should start this over and explain...

Made a new profile tonight.

Long time no see

Wow. It's been soo long since i posted. Sorry bout that. It's been really hard with family shit. Haven't had too much time... But anyways. I'm starting a two week fast beginning at midnight. 17 hours away. Someone is doing it with me, so there will be no going back. Period. No questions asked. Sooo glad.

Getting another tongue piercing soon too. That seems to help. No choice to even think bout eating anything!!