Remains

Ever since I got back to -- school, from Spring Break, I just don't want to eat. Entire spring break and before that, that was ALL I wanted to do... The moment I got back practically, it was like a shift. Today, I was eating a Smart Ones Angel Hair Pasta dinner. I love those things. I was eating it and after a few bites, I decided that after I ate it, I was going to throw up. The only other thing I had had was a few swedish fish during classes cuz I was feeling funny, and a windmill cookie. But, I was eating the pasta dinner, and although I was enjoying the taste, I was not, in any sense, enjoying it being in my body. So, to be safe rather than sorry, and to avoid a binge later in the night, I decided to eat the dinner, to trick myself into thinking I had eaten, and then just go throw it up. It worked. I threw it up afterwards and now, I am completely satified. Took five laxatives afterwards (sadly) just to make sure everything comes out. Tomorrow I go home to, hopefully, buy a Mustang. I won't be getting home until about three, then right to the bank to tranfer money, then home, unpack. Clean. Maybe have a pear? We shall see. Prolly just some coffee.

This morning I was down to 101.4 at least. Lost two pounds since Tuesday!

Kirrari:I so missed your comments! Part of me wants to stop cutting, but the other part of me just finds it so beautiful. Is that twisted...?

SO my therapist from HS was talking to me yesterday on Facebook, and she asked me how my eating was... O.O ummm... i never told her about my eating. I fear my binging and purging when I was home the past two times did not go as unnoticed as I though. My sister sees her now as well, so I feel like I cannot tell either of them anything anymore. So be it. But, I just played it off and told her I was much better and feeling much healthier. I still don't know where exactly she got this from and it scares me greatly.

Also, I cannot remember if I said this before, but I do not believe I did... anyways! Ah yes, I did. About my mom finding the bloody gauze that I apparently forgot to clean up (ewey). I am scared she is going to ask me about it again when I go home this weekend. I will jsut tell her that I am not, that I will not prove anyhting to her, because she should believe me, and if that does not work, I may strike below the belt. Depends on how pushy she gets...

Today, I practically plastered my walls with my thinspo I have been collecting in my binders. It looks amazing. Beauty everywhere I look. All showing me how fat I still am, but how skinny I could be. It is doable and so close!