Today was not the best days, for sure. The weather was shitty so hey, why not make the day feel shitty as well eh? TO start off, in my Juvneile Justice class, we watched a video on Missouri juvenile corrections - group homes. Usually, I would have sat there and watched with interest. However, one of the boys divulged that he had been sexually abused by his father at a young age. His dad denied it and his grandma flat-out refused to belive him. I realized after about a minute that I had tears falling down my face as I stared blankly at the screen. I quickly brushed them away, grabbed my phone and deliberately ignored the rest of the movie. As soon as class was dismissed, I was out of there. Someone touched my shoulder as I made my escape, but I ignored them and just walked faster, practically floating down the stairs and out the door. When I finally pulled into my driveway and turned off my car, all was silent. As I sat there with the clouds rolling in, I let my mind escape and go where it pleased. I couldn't help but feel in the same boat as the boy in the movie. I had told someone, and it was written off as a dream - that I must have just been mad at him for something and maybe I just remember getting a bath. Afterwards, we never spoke of it again. Lock it up and do NOT think about it again. Don't even think about thinking about it. The detective did not even take me seriously. I was just another 'goth misunderstood youth' looking for some attention.
I got home from work tonight. I had brought with me a bag of Doritos. My weakness. Chips. I had not felt any real emotion all day, so I knew this was going to be bad. I made a milkshake to help get it all up. Ice cream is good that way. Makes it easier. I ate my chips and drank my shake. Before I had left for work, I had had a veggie english muffin as well. After finishing those off, I was already pretty full on account of the milkshake. I made my way downstair where, in a haze, I grabbed a light english muffin, light jam, and peabutter. While I teffiryingly awaited my muffin to taost, I munched on a few crackers and a gingerbread man. I was full to bursting by the time I was finished. Grabbing my toilettries and laptop - to record and later punish myself by reliving it - and quietly slid the deadbolt into place. Shower to full blast to freeze. Record. Shut down and begin. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Finally, no more is able to leak out. My stomach is groaning in empty protest as it tries to appease my pestering fingers. When I was sure there was nothing left, and I was on the verge of practically throwing up my own stomach - although that would be a few pounds (joking... mostly), I finally accepted that I had dome what I could. After showering, I force down three laxatives. Tomorrow is a new day. And hopefully a better one.
My mom calls. We talk about a friends pregnancy. She has recently lost weight and her doctors are.concerned. Eventually, I make the comparison to my beautifully this sister. Turns out sneak weighs 96 pounds. My LE. This sparks in me a new fire. New motivation. If sneak can do that without even trying, I can do it, surely, if I try. I cam and AM stronger than this. I have to be...
Once again, I can feel my eyes attempting to leak. To cry. Release this pain and ache that I am forever attached to that is my body. If I cannot escape it, I WILL fix it. No more excuses. I know I nave said this in the past, but if I am so tired of being alone and being scared, why am I not doing anything about it? Because I am scared. Try harder. They should not be the equivalents of your CW and she your LW. Unacceptable to the max.
And this marks the shift.
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