How Long Could This possibly Last?

How long could this he possibly last. I told you guys last time that I wasn't sure which road I was going to take. Go down the road of continuous disappointment that I had been traveling since coming back home, or take that final step to the road closer to recovery. I chose to try it, what the hell. I have been eating, not restricting, but just eating if I feel like it, othertimes, not feeling hungry, so I don't eat. I might decide to have some peanut butter cookies at eleven o'clock at night after jsut eating some spaghetti. I am careful, though. I know that if I eat pizza or a big bowl of cereal while at home alone, I will be tempted to purge it up, so instead I decide to have a pop-tart or an apple. I run 4, 5, 6, 7 days a week, whenever I feel like it. I know it has part to do with him, but for now, I will just be happy with the gift he has unintentionally given me - a life worth living.

He has been coming in my work since I started working there. He always used the make small remarks of how we should hang out, since I never do anything besides work. Well, finally, I gave him my number and we have hung out a couple of times. I find that I am happier. I care more. I still see a distorted mirror now and again, but that is something that I will have to learn to accept of myself. I need to realize that although I am not perfect, I am happy. Happier now than I have been in some time. True, I deleted everyone from my life. Every friend who stood by me, I dropped them for no reason other than the fact that I could not stand to see them happier than myself. How long will this/he last? What will happen when he leaves for tour next month? Will I turn around and run back to the path well-trodden or will I stay strong and hope when he gets back four weeks later, I can say proudly that I stayed strong. He knows that I used to cut, and he still wants to hang out with me. He came over Sunday night until 230am, until I was falling asleep. He saw the ones on my stomach, due to my shirt riding up, and asked if I would tell him what happened. He hugged me and told me he was glad I didn't hurt so bad anymore. Then we went to his house last night and he made me dinner. I didn't even worry that it was going to make me fat. Still, though, he has yet to kiss me. But I guess I am just used to guys who are overly more confident than myself, I am out of my element. He seems like I am, goes one little tip-toe to getting closer to intimate every time I see him. I don't know, I'm sure nop one wants to read this so I will just stop.

I'm not sure if I will keep coming back here or not. It is too triggering and I am mostly getting better at this recovery thing. Some days it hurts, some days I jump for joy at life. At new possibilities. I might make a sub at work and decide I am not hungry anymore, then the next day decide I want a pretzel with cheese dip. It is a work in progress, but one that I am willing to try to work through. Being on here will just pull me back in.

So, seven years later, I am accepting my body, mostly, for how it naturally should be. I don't know where this path will lead me to, or if I will be just another statistic, and relapse due to self-recovery almost never works. Hopefully I can be strong and maybe one day, when we are both ready, we can finally see each other again. I hope you get better soon, my love, I ache to think of the pain you are going through. I love you forever and always. Philosraptors and forgotten nights and staying up late high off life and each other. I love you no matter what I do or say.

The Answer. Unknown.

The other day I tore apart my room. Looking for my long-forgotten razors.

I found them.
I used them.

Did I feel better? I couldn't say even if I had wanted to. I don't understand myself anymore. My actions do not follow my thoughts, my desires do not follow with the realm of what could be as much as what used to be and will never be again.

I am not moving in with her agian. Hell if I ever even talk to her again. After my last post, she sent me a collection of apartment listings far higher than we could comfortably afford without worrying month to month. I was working a lot so I never got a chance to andwer her back for a few days more. When I finally did, I had found the perfect place. ALL included, in our homnetown, everything. I knew the other people in the building and they gave rave reviews. I sent her the link and she responded my telling me that she was moving in with another friend now because she never heard from me and decided I was unreliable. I asked her if she had planned on telling mw thins and she said she figured I would have gotten in touch with her eventually. I couldn't believe it. The one person I am still in touch with and she does this. I tried to talk to her and she said that it did not matter, what was done was done. 'Then, yes, what's done is done. Thank you so fucking much for your support.'
And I have yet to tlak to her since. I do not plan on talking to her again. At least not for a while. I realize I am slowly pushing everyone away, but I don't know how to stop myself, or if I even want to.

I was on my way to the movies with my sister last night, and as I drove by the gas station, I passed a car trying to pull out onto the roadway. I was going quite slow so I glanced into the car. And pain surprise lost love showed upon my face. It was him. I swear it. He saw me and leaned out the window as if trying to get a better look. I was not completely sure it was him, part of me thinks I was jsut seeing him because I want to, that it was someone who looks uncannily like him. But I have no sure way of knowing. Nonetheless, I felt my heart break all over again. I felt it crumble to the bottoms of my feet and settle in waves content to just remain there than mend it.

I know it is a recurring theme in my posts lately, and I am sorry, but I feel I am so lonely and have been for so long that I don't know how to not be. I tell them that I am content with the social life I lack to lead, but is that really the truth? Sometimes I wish I had friends that I wanted to go out and party and have fun with people when they ask me. But I always find myself declining, smiling softly and making excuses as to why I am unable. I feel if the sky were to fall to pieces around me, I would barely flinch. More likely, i would fall to pieces right with it and hardly care. After all the pieces fell, what would be left would be a small hole of what, I do not know. I love to hate myself. What would happen when there is nothing left to hate but an empty shell?

I don't know what I am doing when it comes to food and myself. I am not eating as much as I should, and what I do eat id not the best for me. At least every other day, I run four miles on my treadmill, and walk every day for an least half an hour while reading. I tried not to purge last night after eating far too much. I tried to just go to sleep and ignore it. I woke up about an hour later feeling so sick I couldn't not do something. So into the bathroom I went. Feeling somewhat better, I popped seven Dulcolax and called it a night. Waking every twenty minutes or so. For the past week or so, I haven't been able to shake off the latest bout of sadness that often engulfs me. I might feel ok for a little while, but as soon as my mind has a chance it reminds my heart that, Hey, you suck and no one loves you. There is no reason for you to be happy. Why are you happy? But why am I sad? The answer remains unknown.

Is it better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all, to know that you are now alone and don't know love from hate anymore?