How Long Could This possibly Last?

How long could this he possibly last. I told you guys last time that I wasn't sure which road I was going to take. Go down the road of continuous disappointment that I had been traveling since coming back home, or take that final step to the road closer to recovery. I chose to try it, what the hell. I have been eating, not restricting, but just eating if I feel like it, othertimes, not feeling hungry, so I don't eat. I might decide to have some peanut butter cookies at eleven o'clock at night after jsut eating some spaghetti. I am careful, though. I know that if I eat pizza or a big bowl of cereal while at home alone, I will be tempted to purge it up, so instead I decide to have a pop-tart or an apple. I run 4, 5, 6, 7 days a week, whenever I feel like it. I know it has part to do with him, but for now, I will just be happy with the gift he has unintentionally given me - a life worth living.

He has been coming in my work since I started working there. He always used the make small remarks of how we should hang out, since I never do anything besides work. Well, finally, I gave him my number and we have hung out a couple of times. I find that I am happier. I care more. I still see a distorted mirror now and again, but that is something that I will have to learn to accept of myself. I need to realize that although I am not perfect, I am happy. Happier now than I have been in some time. True, I deleted everyone from my life. Every friend who stood by me, I dropped them for no reason other than the fact that I could not stand to see them happier than myself. How long will this/he last? What will happen when he leaves for tour next month? Will I turn around and run back to the path well-trodden or will I stay strong and hope when he gets back four weeks later, I can say proudly that I stayed strong. He knows that I used to cut, and he still wants to hang out with me. He came over Sunday night until 230am, until I was falling asleep. He saw the ones on my stomach, due to my shirt riding up, and asked if I would tell him what happened. He hugged me and told me he was glad I didn't hurt so bad anymore. Then we went to his house last night and he made me dinner. I didn't even worry that it was going to make me fat. Still, though, he has yet to kiss me. But I guess I am just used to guys who are overly more confident than myself, I am out of my element. He seems like I am, goes one little tip-toe to getting closer to intimate every time I see him. I don't know, I'm sure nop one wants to read this so I will just stop.

I'm not sure if I will keep coming back here or not. It is too triggering and I am mostly getting better at this recovery thing. Some days it hurts, some days I jump for joy at life. At new possibilities. I might make a sub at work and decide I am not hungry anymore, then the next day decide I want a pretzel with cheese dip. It is a work in progress, but one that I am willing to try to work through. Being on here will just pull me back in.

So, seven years later, I am accepting my body, mostly, for how it naturally should be. I don't know where this path will lead me to, or if I will be just another statistic, and relapse due to self-recovery almost never works. Hopefully I can be strong and maybe one day, when we are both ready, we can finally see each other again. I hope you get better soon, my love, I ache to think of the pain you are going through. I love you forever and always. Philosraptors and forgotten nights and staying up late high off life and each other. I love you no matter what I do or say.