The Answer. Unknown.

The other day I tore apart my room. Looking for my long-forgotten razors.

I found them.
I used them.

Did I feel better? I couldn't say even if I had wanted to. I don't understand myself anymore. My actions do not follow my thoughts, my desires do not follow with the realm of what could be as much as what used to be and will never be again.

I am not moving in with her agian. Hell if I ever even talk to her again. After my last post, she sent me a collection of apartment listings far higher than we could comfortably afford without worrying month to month. I was working a lot so I never got a chance to andwer her back for a few days more. When I finally did, I had found the perfect place. ALL included, in our homnetown, everything. I knew the other people in the building and they gave rave reviews. I sent her the link and she responded my telling me that she was moving in with another friend now because she never heard from me and decided I was unreliable. I asked her if she had planned on telling mw thins and she said she figured I would have gotten in touch with her eventually. I couldn't believe it. The one person I am still in touch with and she does this. I tried to talk to her and she said that it did not matter, what was done was done. 'Then, yes, what's done is done. Thank you so fucking much for your support.'
And I have yet to tlak to her since. I do not plan on talking to her again. At least not for a while. I realize I am slowly pushing everyone away, but I don't know how to stop myself, or if I even want to.

I was on my way to the movies with my sister last night, and as I drove by the gas station, I passed a car trying to pull out onto the roadway. I was going quite slow so I glanced into the car. And pain surprise lost love showed upon my face. It was him. I swear it. He saw me and leaned out the window as if trying to get a better look. I was not completely sure it was him, part of me thinks I was jsut seeing him because I want to, that it was someone who looks uncannily like him. But I have no sure way of knowing. Nonetheless, I felt my heart break all over again. I felt it crumble to the bottoms of my feet and settle in waves content to just remain there than mend it.

I know it is a recurring theme in my posts lately, and I am sorry, but I feel I am so lonely and have been for so long that I don't know how to not be. I tell them that I am content with the social life I lack to lead, but is that really the truth? Sometimes I wish I had friends that I wanted to go out and party and have fun with people when they ask me. But I always find myself declining, smiling softly and making excuses as to why I am unable. I feel if the sky were to fall to pieces around me, I would barely flinch. More likely, i would fall to pieces right with it and hardly care. After all the pieces fell, what would be left would be a small hole of what, I do not know. I love to hate myself. What would happen when there is nothing left to hate but an empty shell?

I don't know what I am doing when it comes to food and myself. I am not eating as much as I should, and what I do eat id not the best for me. At least every other day, I run four miles on my treadmill, and walk every day for an least half an hour while reading. I tried not to purge last night after eating far too much. I tried to just go to sleep and ignore it. I woke up about an hour later feeling so sick I couldn't not do something. So into the bathroom I went. Feeling somewhat better, I popped seven Dulcolax and called it a night. Waking every twenty minutes or so. For the past week or so, I haven't been able to shake off the latest bout of sadness that often engulfs me. I might feel ok for a little while, but as soon as my mind has a chance it reminds my heart that, Hey, you suck and no one loves you. There is no reason for you to be happy. Why are you happy? But why am I sad? The answer remains unknown.

Is it better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all, to know that you are now alone and don't know love from hate anymore?