She Will Break You

As the tears rush down my face,
I wonder what I have done.
My heart breaks into a tiny million pieces
For times lost and terrifying setbacks.


I know it needs work, I just wrote it now. I mini-binged a few hours ago and still I feel like shit. I did manage, I think, to get most of it up. I had drank (drunk, drinked, wtf??) some bright red drink mix a bit before. My housemate wanted me to make her brownies for this coming finals week. However, she got out the mix and such today, and asked me to make one box for just general that everyone would be able to eat - whatever. I knew I shouldn't have made them, but I ignored myself. I made them anyways. I ate some of the mix, then I ate a bit more.
Brownie mix, 3 bites(200)
About 5 cookies (400)
2 slices bread(150)
ketchup, it. dressing (70)
Then when the brownies were done, I cut off the edges adn had a bit of brownie with a scoop of ice cream (250)

I know many people would criticise me for calling this a binge, but when you usually consume less than 300 calories a day and burn off at least 150 of those, this is quite ridiculous. Also, it is because I just felt... out of control, detatched, I guess. I then threw all the brownies away, including the unopened box. I will buy her new ones and make them Sunday night when she gets back and ask her to please keep them in her room. She won't ask why, because I have done this before. I really don't care if she suspects anything, becasue I am leaving soon, no one here will see me again, and no one here knows anything except the general area where I live. two and a half hours away.

Sorry this wasn't all that interesting, I just wanted to get that off my chest. It makes me feel better, usually, when I can letit out. Thanks for listening to my pity party or whatever.

At first, I wasn't going to purge, becasue I am trying to stop that, but it was jsut too much. I was feeling physically nauscious from all the sugar and just general fullness I guess. Toothbrush here I come. Afterwards, I just started crying. I think that;s honestly the first time I have really cried after a binge. Oftentimes, I will just feel numb, pathetic, sad, but this time was different. I felt like a complete failure, not worthy of anything. Belittled by my own lack of control...