The Beginning of the End?

CW: 104.8

Someone recently asked me if this whole thing was maybe triggered by something, if something happened to set it in motion. At first, I really couldn't think of anything, it just kind of happened. However, the more I think about it, the more the dates seem to match up and make sense. maybe I'm just looking for an excuse, a reason, but it seems to make sense... This is really hard for me to write, but I think it might help (?)

Around last February i met this guy. He seemed sweet. But then He got pushy. I was at the time - and still am - a virgin. After about a month and a half, two months, he tried to go a bit further, and I didn't stop him. I suppose I didn't want him to be mad. I hate when people are mad at me. I felt used, dirty, a disgrace, afterwards. And yet, I let it happen again. At the end of March, I got back from Vermont from a weekend snowboarding trip with Ski Club. The following weekend, we went camping with some friends. It wasn't really all that exciting. After I had been there a few hours, everyone decided to go to sleep.

First thing. The tent zipper got stuck and he got pissed off. Kind of scared me, but not scary scared. Then, all he wanted to do was make out and attempt to go further. After a while I told him I wanted to go to sleep. A bit into the night, he woke up. I was awake, but he didn't know that as I was pretending to sleep. He had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and apparently taken his boxers off. He took my hand and... well, put the pieces together, because I refuse to say it. Or type it. I still pretended to sleep. He said 'I KNOW you're awake.' Still, I did nothing. The next morning, he completely ignored me. His friend, also a friend of mine, gave me a morning hug and made me breakfast. Was really nice to me. I the guy take me home. I went straight to my room. When I got to work, I told my friend, and she flipped out. When I finally confronted him, via text, he completely brushed it off. Claimed it was nothing, that I needed to get over myself and stop being so prude. I told him we were done, and he said something along the lines of 'Well, it was fun while it lasted. I know I had fun ;)'

I remember right around the same time was when I started really counting calories and checking the scale daily. I am not saying that is what caused it, exactly, just that it can't be JUST a coincidence. This has been bothering me for the past couple weeks, but hopefully not anymore.

I told Kristin that I had a blog, hoping, I guess, that she would ask about it, but all she did was laugh and say 'YOU BLOG?!' When I was at her house, I took lax, and usually, I won't tell her what they are, but I finally told her. She didn't get it. She just said 'ew, poo.' So, I give up. It's not worth telling anyone, because they have no idea. None at all.

_____________

I have been feeling on the verge of a panic attack as of late. I think know it is because of the coming weather and my going home. The fact that I am going home for good means I will inevitably need to tell my mom at least about my cutting. It is not so bad, since I stopped, but I juust don't want her to get all emotional and think I have finally completely forgiven her for what she did last june. No way. However, there really isn't a choice, becasue she is going to wonder anyways. I just don't know how to tell her. I am not really 'close' with my parents. Sure, we go shopping and I will hang out with her for a bit here and there and whatnot, but... I don't give her my confidences. If that makes any sense? I want to tell her outright, not in a letter or anything, but I jsut don't know. I will probably tell her something along the line of, I started, but I stopped. It doesn't even occur to me to do it anymore, really. I started, I guess, becasue I was jsut so unhappy at college. I really hated it, so that's what I turned to. However, I did get help, and I stopped. The reason I am telling to this,is because I don't want you to be wondering all summer, and me flipping out at you. Please, don't make a huge deal about this. I have dealt with it and stopped. I won't show you, so please don't ask. I realize it was stupid, well, it seems stupid now, but at the time, it really wasn't. I am sorry if this hurts you, but it is done and over with.

So what do you think?? Any advice or feedback?