The Beginning of the End?

CW: 104.8

Someone recently asked me if this whole thing was maybe triggered by something, if something happened to set it in motion. At first, I really couldn't think of anything, it just kind of happened. However, the more I think about it, the more the dates seem to match up and make sense. maybe I'm just looking for an excuse, a reason, but it seems to make sense... This is really hard for me to write, but I think it might help (?)

Around last February i met this guy. He seemed sweet. But then He got pushy. I was at the time - and still am - a virgin. After about a month and a half, two months, he tried to go a bit further, and I didn't stop him. I suppose I didn't want him to be mad. I hate when people are mad at me. I felt used, dirty, a disgrace, afterwards. And yet, I let it happen again. At the end of March, I got back from Vermont from a weekend snowboarding trip with Ski Club. The following weekend, we went camping with some friends. It wasn't really all that exciting. After I had been there a few hours, everyone decided to go to sleep.

First thing. The tent zipper got stuck and he got pissed off. Kind of scared me, but not scary scared. Then, all he wanted to do was make out and attempt to go further. After a while I told him I wanted to go to sleep. A bit into the night, he woke up. I was awake, but he didn't know that as I was pretending to sleep. He had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and apparently taken his boxers off. He took my hand and... well, put the pieces together, because I refuse to say it. Or type it. I still pretended to sleep. He said 'I KNOW you're awake.' Still, I did nothing. The next morning, he completely ignored me. His friend, also a friend of mine, gave me a morning hug and made me breakfast. Was really nice to me. I the guy take me home. I went straight to my room. When I got to work, I told my friend, and she flipped out. When I finally confronted him, via text, he completely brushed it off. Claimed it was nothing, that I needed to get over myself and stop being so prude. I told him we were done, and he said something along the lines of 'Well, it was fun while it lasted. I know I had fun ;)'

I remember right around the same time was when I started really counting calories and checking the scale daily. I am not saying that is what caused it, exactly, just that it can't be JUST a coincidence. This has been bothering me for the past couple weeks, but hopefully not anymore.

I told Kristin that I had a blog, hoping, I guess, that she would ask about it, but all she did was laugh and say 'YOU BLOG?!' When I was at her house, I took lax, and usually, I won't tell her what they are, but I finally told her. She didn't get it. She just said 'ew, poo.' So, I give up. It's not worth telling anyone, because they have no idea. None at all.

_____________

I have been feeling on the verge of a panic attack as of late. I think know it is because of the coming weather and my going home. The fact that I am going home for good means I will inevitably need to tell my mom at least about my cutting. It is not so bad, since I stopped, but I juust don't want her to get all emotional and think I have finally completely forgiven her for what she did last june. No way. However, there really isn't a choice, becasue she is going to wonder anyways. I just don't know how to tell her. I am not really 'close' with my parents. Sure, we go shopping and I will hang out with her for a bit here and there and whatnot, but... I don't give her my confidences. If that makes any sense? I want to tell her outright, not in a letter or anything, but I jsut don't know. I will probably tell her something along the line of, I started, but I stopped. It doesn't even occur to me to do it anymore, really. I started, I guess, becasue I was jsut so unhappy at college. I really hated it, so that's what I turned to. However, I did get help, and I stopped. The reason I am telling to this,is because I don't want you to be wondering all summer, and me flipping out at you. Please, don't make a huge deal about this. I have dealt with it and stopped. I won't show you, so please don't ask. I realize it was stupid, well, it seems stupid now, but at the time, it really wasn't. I am sorry if this hurts you, but it is done and over with.

So what do you think?? Any advice or feedback?

Inferno

One translation, from the Princeton Dante Project, is:

"If I thought my answer were given
to anyone who would ever return to the world,
this flame would stand still without moving any further.
But since never from this abyss
has anyone ever returned alive, if what I hear is true,
without fear of infamy I answer you."

The past weekend was a complete disaster. There is no other way to describe it. I am, however down to 97.2, but besides the point. Doesn't Count, as far as I am concerned. Friday was the lady I live with's birthday, and party. Thankfully I had to work. However, when I got home, they had left a bunch of snacks and cookies and chips and cake. It was essentially everything I tend to binge on: pretzels, ritz crackers, cookies, goldfish, chocolatey foods, cake, and sweet bread. It was bad, although I guess it could have been worse. I was eating so much every night. TO fix this, today when I get home, I am going to throw away the things that are almost empty and tell the other girl here that I ate them. The things that are not even open, I am not going to touch. I will not even open that cupboard anymore.

I have learned how to effectively purge better though. I have also, though, started laxatives again. 20 last night, 15 the night before, and ten the night before that. My stomach was in so much pain this morning, I didn't even go to my first class. I have to go to my second one, though, fer sure. I have an exam on Thursday, so I have to figure things out.

Lately, I feel emotionally dead. Ever since I came back from break, really, it's like I am simply going through the motions. The days blur together, with no end in sight. The only thing I really FEEL anymore, is when I am cutting. And I have definitely been doing a lot of that. Really quick deep slashes. My side, my chest, my arm, my legs... I am going to run out of room soon enough. Part of my wants to stop, but another part of me hold onto it like a lifeline.

I used to be sad that I didn't really have any friends here, but now I don't want any. There a couple people who are trying to get together and hang out with me, and, yea, I will talk to them in class, well it's actually only one person, but I just don't want to get too close to anyone. I will be leaving soon, not coming back, and besides, if anyone gets too close, that could be a very big problem. It is hard enough keeping things a secret to begin with.

Bleed For You

As I have mentioned, I believe, Friday I am getting my wisdom teeth out. I was really worried about the cuts on my arms... I just talked to them and they said that I would have to have my arms exposed because I am getting an IV to put me under. I don't know waht I am going to do. This morning I cut my lower arms three times really bad. I don't know what to do about it. Obviously, they are going to see them. I am thinking I will wear arm warmers to hide the new ones on my lower arms and not worry too much about the scars on my upper. I will also have to make sure I tell the doctor that because I am 19, they are bound by confidentiality and not to tell my mom. OH I'm so scared.

On another point, I am back up to 102. Laxatives...

Monday I took 6. The next morning I took nine more. Then last night I took 9 more. I couldn't purge and I binged bad. I had:
6" veggie sub, dry
Over the course of the day I ate an entire box of Fiber one cereal with ff almond milk.
6 Veggie Bites

I couldn't purge it all for some reason. So when I got back from class today I took 9 laxatives.

My cuts this morning actually kind of scared me. I was doing them really quick so they didn't hurt as bad but they were deeper and bled so much more.I had to go to class with a hand toel wrapped around my arm under my coat because it wouldn't stop bleeding enough until an hour later. They will be so pretty when they heal though.

After this weekend, hopefully I won't be so dependent upon lax. I wont be able to eat anything for two and a half days, and then after that I will only be able to eat vegan pudding, applesauce and water. I am going to do that for one week, I think. You are supposed to not eat or drink anything for twelve hours beforehand. I am going to, starting tomorrow, 24 hours before, not eat anything, and just have water and tea. Then, after 7pm, not have anything else. And I believe afterwards, you cant eat or drink anything for a while either so it'll be all good.