Inferno

One translation, from the Princeton Dante Project, is:

"If I thought my answer were given
to anyone who would ever return to the world,
this flame would stand still without moving any further.
But since never from this abyss
has anyone ever returned alive, if what I hear is true,
without fear of infamy I answer you."

The past weekend was a complete disaster. There is no other way to describe it. I am, however down to 97.2, but besides the point. Doesn't Count, as far as I am concerned. Friday was the lady I live with's birthday, and party. Thankfully I had to work. However, when I got home, they had left a bunch of snacks and cookies and chips and cake. It was essentially everything I tend to binge on: pretzels, ritz crackers, cookies, goldfish, chocolatey foods, cake, and sweet bread. It was bad, although I guess it could have been worse. I was eating so much every night. TO fix this, today when I get home, I am going to throw away the things that are almost empty and tell the other girl here that I ate them. The things that are not even open, I am not going to touch. I will not even open that cupboard anymore.

I have learned how to effectively purge better though. I have also, though, started laxatives again. 20 last night, 15 the night before, and ten the night before that. My stomach was in so much pain this morning, I didn't even go to my first class. I have to go to my second one, though, fer sure. I have an exam on Thursday, so I have to figure things out.

Lately, I feel emotionally dead. Ever since I came back from break, really, it's like I am simply going through the motions. The days blur together, with no end in sight. The only thing I really FEEL anymore, is when I am cutting. And I have definitely been doing a lot of that. Really quick deep slashes. My side, my chest, my arm, my legs... I am going to run out of room soon enough. Part of my wants to stop, but another part of me hold onto it like a lifeline.

I used to be sad that I didn't really have any friends here, but now I don't want any. There a couple people who are trying to get together and hang out with me, and, yea, I will talk to them in class, well it's actually only one person, but I just don't want to get too close to anyone. I will be leaving soon, not coming back, and besides, if anyone gets too close, that could be a very big problem. It is hard enough keeping things a secret to begin with.