Anon: ... if you actually look at the blog for a few minutes, that answer will be OBVIOUS. She is actually trying to get people to understand that this is Not a game. That it ruins you, that it is not only about the numbers and thast when you get to yous UGW, you will be satisfied, because most likely you will not.
CW: 101.6 this morning.
Walked 5.5 miles to the store and back. The time spend in the two stores included, took about 2 hours. Burned about 300 cals.
Had bran(80) with milk(45) and banana(50) =(175).
However, I also had a bit of other stuff, pretty much the same thing as last night... but purged all the way back to my bran.
So much for going to the Hibachi tomorrow and spending the day with the friend... I asked her what time we were going, and she said we were no longer going, but if plans changed, she would let me know. I know I should be happy about this, as I have avoided all those calories, but I just feel so let down. Ditched. Again.
Earlier, I had planned on only having egg whites today and stopped at the store to pick some up. I got there, and even put them in the basket. However, the mercy for animals video kept playing and replaying in my mind. Those chickens in the cages, but especially the baby make chicks being thrown into the grinder alive, simply becasue they were male... I have watched these videos before, but for some reason, this time it really hit me. Yes I still drink milk and sometimes eat cheese, but all in due time, I think I probably won't... It just haunts me.
CAUTION: the following, until I say, is kinda TMI, but I was happy, and it's kinda important for me I guess. I'll make it blod when I'm done with TMI.
So, today was kinda of an important day. As you know, I have been trying to lessen my use of lax. Stopped taking them the day I got my tongue pierced, then took only 1 last Sunday and since then, haven't had on. ANS Guess what I did today ALL ON MY OWN WIthout lax?!?!?
oK, I'm done. Sorry.
Showing posts with label laxatives. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laxatives. Show all posts
07 May 2011
30 April 2011
My Blue Heaven
Been rereading my actual journal. It's actually quite an inspiration. Since getting my tongue pierced, I have lost 3 lbs as of this morning (106.0). I haven't weighed myself since then. once the aid leaves my house, I am going to weigh-in and shower.
150 jumping jack
60 crunches
50 leglifts on each leg
Stretches
Cream corn(100)
Applesauce(120)
After I ate, around 230p, I felt horrible. Like I had gained five pounds from the corn. One hour to go... and I will know. I really want to go to the gym, but with my not having a job, and the price of gas, I really can't afford to drive to campus on days I really don't need to be driving anywhere... SO cannot wait to get home, lay my carpet out, and set up my treadmill. It will be wonderful. Run in the morning, walk for a bit at night. :)
I'm not sure, really what to do about the whole laxative thing. The last time I took them was tuesday night. I'm not sure if I should maybe taker 1-2, once a week, or what. I just DON'T KNOW! I just feel if I take them, then I will want to continue taking them... Honestly, I think if I had insurance, I would probably go to the dorctors. Not to recover, just to check and see if I have done any real damage. But, alas, I do not. Help?
150 jumping jack
60 crunches
50 leglifts on each leg
Stretches
Cream corn(100)
Applesauce(120)
After I ate, around 230p, I felt horrible. Like I had gained five pounds from the corn. One hour to go... and I will know. I really want to go to the gym, but with my not having a job, and the price of gas, I really can't afford to drive to campus on days I really don't need to be driving anywhere... SO cannot wait to get home, lay my carpet out, and set up my treadmill. It will be wonderful. Run in the morning, walk for a bit at night. :)
I'm not sure, really what to do about the whole laxative thing. The last time I took them was tuesday night. I'm not sure if I should maybe taker 1-2, once a week, or what. I just DON'T KNOW! I just feel if I take them, then I will want to continue taking them... Honestly, I think if I had insurance, I would probably go to the dorctors. Not to recover, just to check and see if I have done any real damage. But, alas, I do not. Help?
29 April 2011
I Feel You There
CW(9pm): 106.8
Today's Intake:
Banana Baby food (145)
4 oz. applesauce (90)
2 sugar free creamsicles (40)
Lots of coffee (0)
Total: 275!!
As I was eating my creamsicles, I felt the familiar urge to binge. However, I can't, so it was a moot point. Hopefully by the time my two weeks are up, I will have at least somewhat broken the b/p cycle at least a little bit. It takes 21 days to break a habbit. How about a mentally appealing bad habbit? Does that still apply? Let's hope so.
The farmer's market will finally be open by the time I get to go home. A friend of mine suggested we walk there. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this, due to the fact that its probably about a 5+ mile walk from her house. Longer from mine. I could definitely see driving partially there and walking the last 2 miles. That would probably be about 600 calories, both ways combined!
I was going to take jsut one lax tonight, but I decided not to. I just feel like if I do, I will want to do it again the next night and the next and nextandnextandnext. I've gone three days so far. Hopefully, this works. I decided (tmi) since I did manage to go a bit on my own, I can continue for at least one more day. Just one day at a time.
I'm going crazy without a job. The subway by my uni took me off the schedule. When I returned from this past break, I would have been working until the 9th, about 2 weeks, a few days shy. It went like this:
Me: Hey, I was just wondering if I work on Wednesday, cuz I need to know what time to leave my house to come back.
Manager: Nope, you do not work on Wednesday.
Me: Oh, ok. Well, could you tell me when's the next time I work...?
Manager: Actually, I didn't put you on this week's schedule, because you were only going to be here for the one week.
Me: Oh... umm. Ok then. Bye.
She wasn't even going to tell me that I no longer worked there. Then, I went into work today to visit a co-worker who I started to become friends with, and he said he heard it was because I took a few days off before I left (which ended up me not being able to work customer appreciation day - a crazy busy buy one get one day for subways) and she got pissed or whatevs and decided not to have me work there any longer. I was pretty pissed. I got gyped out of about $300. Luckily I have enough money in the bank for gas and such, or I would have been utterly screwed.
Pretty sleepy now. though it's only 11pm. Gym tomorrow! hope it goes well.
Today's Intake:
Banana Baby food (145)
4 oz. applesauce (90)
2 sugar free creamsicles (40)
Lots of coffee (0)
Total: 275!!
As I was eating my creamsicles, I felt the familiar urge to binge. However, I can't, so it was a moot point. Hopefully by the time my two weeks are up, I will have at least somewhat broken the b/p cycle at least a little bit. It takes 21 days to break a habbit. How about a mentally appealing bad habbit? Does that still apply? Let's hope so.
The farmer's market will finally be open by the time I get to go home. A friend of mine suggested we walk there. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this, due to the fact that its probably about a 5+ mile walk from her house. Longer from mine. I could definitely see driving partially there and walking the last 2 miles. That would probably be about 600 calories, both ways combined!
I was going to take jsut one lax tonight, but I decided not to. I just feel like if I do, I will want to do it again the next night and the next and nextandnextandnext. I've gone three days so far. Hopefully, this works. I decided (tmi) since I did manage to go a bit on my own, I can continue for at least one more day. Just one day at a time.
I'm going crazy without a job. The subway by my uni took me off the schedule. When I returned from this past break, I would have been working until the 9th, about 2 weeks, a few days shy. It went like this:
Me: Hey, I was just wondering if I work on Wednesday, cuz I need to know what time to leave my house to come back.
Manager: Nope, you do not work on Wednesday.
Me: Oh, ok. Well, could you tell me when's the next time I work...?
Manager: Actually, I didn't put you on this week's schedule, because you were only going to be here for the one week.
Me: Oh... umm. Ok then. Bye.
She wasn't even going to tell me that I no longer worked there. Then, I went into work today to visit a co-worker who I started to become friends with, and he said he heard it was because I took a few days off before I left (which ended up me not being able to work customer appreciation day - a crazy busy buy one get one day for subways) and she got pissed or whatevs and decided not to have me work there any longer. I was pretty pissed. I got gyped out of about $300. Luckily I have enough money in the bank for gas and such, or I would have been utterly screwed.
Pretty sleepy now. though it's only 11pm. Gym tomorrow! hope it goes well.
28 April 2011
NeglectfulBadStupidFatBitch
I could start off with saying 'I just don't know what happened,' but in a way, that would be a complete and utter lie. I went home weighing 104.4. Came back weighing 108.8. I comfort myself slightly with the mantra, 'you did not take lax last night, you did not take lax last night, and that has something to do with the gain. even if it IS jsut a little bit.' This is still a slight lie. I was eating like a 'regular' person pretty much would. For me, that is fucking nasty and wayy too much. All my progress has gone down the fucking toilet.
I hadn't been updating as much, because I no longer have internet at my house, so it is hard. I did, however, get offered the managemnet position at work, and I think I may take it.
As a last ditch attempt, I got my tongue pierced.. again. It has been 24 hours since I intook anything other than a few sips of water here and there, some advil and tylenol. It hurts to enev MOVE my tongue, let alone eat anything. It hurts worse than my others, because it is two side by side, going through the muscle. Oh how it hurts. But it will be worth it all in the end. Whether they stay in or not.
I haven't gone to class all week. I jsut can't. I have one more week, then just a 'week' of tests. And then I can finally leave this place forever. and Ever. It seems unreal. Like, it is so close, and when it finally comes to be, someone is going to jump out at me and scream 'PSYCH' it was just all a great joke, no one wants you back, you don't get to go home. You made the mistake of coming here when everyone told you it was a bad idea, and this is what you get for not listening. I should have dropped out in the beginning when I wanted to. It served no purpose to stay here and practically flunk out of college while simultaneously digging myself a deeper and deeper grave.
the only semi-good thing I can say is that I didn't take any laxatives last night. I think I will not take any tonight either. Then take just 1 the following night. And try doing it that way, hopefully I can wean myself off them that way.
My plan, also, is until I go home, I am going to be having only baby food, bananas, applesauce, and popsicles.
I hadn't been updating as much, because I no longer have internet at my house, so it is hard. I did, however, get offered the managemnet position at work, and I think I may take it.
As a last ditch attempt, I got my tongue pierced.. again. It has been 24 hours since I intook anything other than a few sips of water here and there, some advil and tylenol. It hurts to enev MOVE my tongue, let alone eat anything. It hurts worse than my others, because it is two side by side, going through the muscle. Oh how it hurts. But it will be worth it all in the end. Whether they stay in or not.
I haven't gone to class all week. I jsut can't. I have one more week, then just a 'week' of tests. And then I can finally leave this place forever. and Ever. It seems unreal. Like, it is so close, and when it finally comes to be, someone is going to jump out at me and scream 'PSYCH' it was just all a great joke, no one wants you back, you don't get to go home. You made the mistake of coming here when everyone told you it was a bad idea, and this is what you get for not listening. I should have dropped out in the beginning when I wanted to. It served no purpose to stay here and practically flunk out of college while simultaneously digging myself a deeper and deeper grave.
the only semi-good thing I can say is that I didn't take any laxatives last night. I think I will not take any tonight either. Then take just 1 the following night. And try doing it that way, hopefully I can wean myself off them that way.
My plan, also, is until I go home, I am going to be having only baby food, bananas, applesauce, and popsicles.
08 February 2011
Inferno
One translation, from the Princeton Dante Project, is:
"If I thought my answer were given
to anyone who would ever return to the world,
this flame would stand still without moving any further.
But since never from this abyss
has anyone ever returned alive, if what I hear is true,
without fear of infamy I answer you."
The past weekend was a complete disaster. There is no other way to describe it. I am, however down to 97.2, but besides the point. Doesn't Count, as far as I am concerned. Friday was the lady I live with's birthday, and party. Thankfully I had to work. However, when I got home, they had left a bunch of snacks and cookies and chips and cake. It was essentially everything I tend to binge on: pretzels, ritz crackers, cookies, goldfish, chocolatey foods, cake, and sweet bread. It was bad, although I guess it could have been worse. I was eating so much every night. TO fix this, today when I get home, I am going to throw away the things that are almost empty and tell the other girl here that I ate them. The things that are not even open, I am not going to touch. I will not even open that cupboard anymore.
I have learned how to effectively purge better though. I have also, though, started laxatives again. 20 last night, 15 the night before, and ten the night before that. My stomach was in so much pain this morning, I didn't even go to my first class. I have to go to my second one, though, fer sure. I have an exam on Thursday, so I have to figure things out.
Lately, I feel emotionally dead. Ever since I came back from break, really, it's like I am simply going through the motions. The days blur together, with no end in sight. The only thing I really FEEL anymore, is when I am cutting. And I have definitely been doing a lot of that. Really quick deep slashes. My side, my chest, my arm, my legs... I am going to run out of room soon enough. Part of my wants to stop, but another part of me hold onto it like a lifeline.
I used to be sad that I didn't really have any friends here, but now I don't want any. There a couple people who are trying to get together and hang out with me, and, yea, I will talk to them in class, well it's actually only one person, but I just don't want to get too close to anyone. I will be leaving soon, not coming back, and besides, if anyone gets too close, that could be a very big problem. It is hard enough keeping things a secret to begin with.
"If I thought my answer were given
to anyone who would ever return to the world,
this flame would stand still without moving any further.
But since never from this abyss
has anyone ever returned alive, if what I hear is true,
without fear of infamy I answer you."
The past weekend was a complete disaster. There is no other way to describe it. I am, however down to 97.2, but besides the point. Doesn't Count, as far as I am concerned. Friday was the lady I live with's birthday, and party. Thankfully I had to work. However, when I got home, they had left a bunch of snacks and cookies and chips and cake. It was essentially everything I tend to binge on: pretzels, ritz crackers, cookies, goldfish, chocolatey foods, cake, and sweet bread. It was bad, although I guess it could have been worse. I was eating so much every night. TO fix this, today when I get home, I am going to throw away the things that are almost empty and tell the other girl here that I ate them. The things that are not even open, I am not going to touch. I will not even open that cupboard anymore.
I have learned how to effectively purge better though. I have also, though, started laxatives again. 20 last night, 15 the night before, and ten the night before that. My stomach was in so much pain this morning, I didn't even go to my first class. I have to go to my second one, though, fer sure. I have an exam on Thursday, so I have to figure things out.
Lately, I feel emotionally dead. Ever since I came back from break, really, it's like I am simply going through the motions. The days blur together, with no end in sight. The only thing I really FEEL anymore, is when I am cutting. And I have definitely been doing a lot of that. Really quick deep slashes. My side, my chest, my arm, my legs... I am going to run out of room soon enough. Part of my wants to stop, but another part of me hold onto it like a lifeline.
I used to be sad that I didn't really have any friends here, but now I don't want any. There a couple people who are trying to get together and hang out with me, and, yea, I will talk to them in class, well it's actually only one person, but I just don't want to get too close to anyone. I will be leaving soon, not coming back, and besides, if anyone gets too close, that could be a very big problem. It is hard enough keeping things a secret to begin with.
02 February 2011
The Promise
CW: 98.8
My uni was closed today because of the storm that I guess hit a lot of people. I didn''t even know about it until last night when I was told classes were cancelled, because I don't watch TV. Good thing I get texts or I would have gone to class.
Yesterday, I ate a small low fat piece of danish. I felt really horrible, eating solid food that caloric after all my hard work. So, I took 5 laxatives. I know I shouldn't have, but I dod, so whatevs. I feel so clean. Empty. Tomorrow is going to be a fast day, because I have class 8 to 11, then I work 1130 to 730, with a half hour break probably around 4. I'm not sure what I will be eating today. Probably just a yogurt (90).
My wisdom teeth are getting better. My stitches are starting to come out, finally. It's kind of weird, actually.
So far today, I have had half a pitcher of iced coffee (1 pot coffee(0), 1 1/2 cup fat free milk(135), Splenda(0). That's it. I figure I will eat at 3PM. That way it will give me time to digest it before bed so I don't waste calories and they turn into fat.
I was on myfitnesspal.com, and it told me that if I kept eating how I was eating, I would be down to 87 in 5 weeks. Seeing that made me have a whole new motivation. 87 is a very pretty number, don't you think.
Lots of homework to catch up on, but definitely more laters.
My uni was closed today because of the storm that I guess hit a lot of people. I didn''t even know about it until last night when I was told classes were cancelled, because I don't watch TV. Good thing I get texts or I would have gone to class.
Yesterday, I ate a small low fat piece of danish. I felt really horrible, eating solid food that caloric after all my hard work. So, I took 5 laxatives. I know I shouldn't have, but I dod, so whatevs. I feel so clean. Empty. Tomorrow is going to be a fast day, because I have class 8 to 11, then I work 1130 to 730, with a half hour break probably around 4. I'm not sure what I will be eating today. Probably just a yogurt (90).
My wisdom teeth are getting better. My stitches are starting to come out, finally. It's kind of weird, actually.
So far today, I have had half a pitcher of iced coffee (1 pot coffee(0), 1 1/2 cup fat free milk(135), Splenda(0). That's it. I figure I will eat at 3PM. That way it will give me time to digest it before bed so I don't waste calories and they turn into fat.
I was on myfitnesspal.com, and it told me that if I kept eating how I was eating, I would be down to 87 in 5 weeks. Seeing that made me have a whole new motivation. 87 is a very pretty number, don't you think.
Lots of homework to catch up on, but definitely more laters.
26 January 2011
Bleed For You
As I have mentioned, I believe, Friday I am getting my wisdom teeth out. I was really worried about the cuts on my arms... I just talked to them and they said that I would have to have my arms exposed because I am getting an IV to put me under. I don't know waht I am going to do. This morning I cut my lower arms three times really bad. I don't know what to do about it. Obviously, they are going to see them. I am thinking I will wear arm warmers to hide the new ones on my lower arms and not worry too much about the scars on my upper. I will also have to make sure I tell the doctor that because I am 19, they are bound by confidentiality and not to tell my mom. OH I'm so scared.
On another point, I am back up to 102. Laxatives...
Monday I took 6. The next morning I took nine more. Then last night I took 9 more. I couldn't purge and I binged bad. I had:
6" veggie sub, dry
Over the course of the day I ate an entire box of Fiber one cereal with ff almond milk.
6 Veggie Bites
I couldn't purge it all for some reason. So when I got back from class today I took 9 laxatives.
My cuts this morning actually kind of scared me. I was doing them really quick so they didn't hurt as bad but they were deeper and bled so much more.I had to go to class with a hand toel wrapped around my arm under my coat because it wouldn't stop bleeding enough until an hour later. They will be so pretty when they heal though.
After this weekend, hopefully I won't be so dependent upon lax. I wont be able to eat anything for two and a half days, and then after that I will only be able to eat vegan pudding, applesauce and water. I am going to do that for one week, I think. You are supposed to not eat or drink anything for twelve hours beforehand. I am going to, starting tomorrow, 24 hours before, not eat anything, and just have water and tea. Then, after 7pm, not have anything else. And I believe afterwards, you cant eat or drink anything for a while either so it'll be all good.
On another point, I am back up to 102. Laxatives...
Monday I took 6. The next morning I took nine more. Then last night I took 9 more. I couldn't purge and I binged bad. I had:
6" veggie sub, dry
Over the course of the day I ate an entire box of Fiber one cereal with ff almond milk.
6 Veggie Bites
I couldn't purge it all for some reason. So when I got back from class today I took 9 laxatives.
My cuts this morning actually kind of scared me. I was doing them really quick so they didn't hurt as bad but they were deeper and bled so much more.I had to go to class with a hand toel wrapped around my arm under my coat because it wouldn't stop bleeding enough until an hour later. They will be so pretty when they heal though.
After this weekend, hopefully I won't be so dependent upon lax. I wont be able to eat anything for two and a half days, and then after that I will only be able to eat vegan pudding, applesauce and water. I am going to do that for one week, I think. You are supposed to not eat or drink anything for twelve hours beforehand. I am going to, starting tomorrow, 24 hours before, not eat anything, and just have water and tea. Then, after 7pm, not have anything else. And I believe afterwards, you cant eat or drink anything for a while either so it'll be all good.
22 January 2011
Run Right Back In
Verse 1
I'm so tired of dreaming without falling asleep
I am a ghost town and no one's visiting me
I'm on the fast track to never existing at all
It's like riding a plane only hoping to fall
I'm so sick of the clothes that seem to be wearing me
out on the town, like I'm a heart on their sleeve
I'm on the fast track to never really learning to love
it's like holding your breath just to spite your lungs
Chorus
So tell me,
Can a ghost fall in love with an angel?
I see heaven in your eyes, your grays and blues bring me back to life
Verse 2
I'm a rainstorm coming down hard over head
but everybody is safe in their beds
I'm on the fast track to never really counting at all
but you have been here with me all along
Chorus
Bridge
Hello stranger I'm a mess
all hands on deck set sails for nervous wreck
Cast away, Cast away
Chorus
'Ghost Town' Jimmy Robbins
Lasted all of two whole days off laxatives... Then the day before yesterday, because the scale said 103.6, I took 6. That number was just far too unacceptable. Yesterday, I made a veggie patty sub for a customer and I just wanted it so bad. I almost brought one home with me. But instead, I ate probably ten pieces of raisin toast and three glasses of crystal light green tea. It was a very horrible day yesterday...
My car shifter has been being a pain, but I wasn't too concerned. But I left campus and my car started to smell weird. I rolled my window down and figured I would just go home and check under the hood. I got about a mile and my serpentine belt came off. I difficultly maneuvered my car to the cas station a bit ahead and called my uncle. I had to get three miles to Cole muffler. With a few stops in between. Thankfully, I didn't blow a head gasket... Cost me 200 bucks. And apparently there is more to be done when I get home next weekend. I don't know what I am going to do.. I can't afford this. And the car isn't even worth all this fucking repair. It just seems like things are not going as they shoud anymore
I took nine laxatives last night and as of this morning I am at least at 100.0. Due to that, I am going to just have liguids for a few days to get myself off the laxatives. I know that is somewhat stupid, just becasue I know that when I do eventually have solids again, I will feel horrible. That being said, I am keeping a new diary. Whenever I binge on something, it goes in the list of foods I am not allowed to have. Newest entry: Raisin Bread.
I have been looking up foods that will help me stop taking lax and I have found:
Spinach
Broccolli
Cauliflower
Grapes
Probiiotics (?)
ANYONE wanna inform me what that last one is, exactly. I see a lot of people say take supplements for fiber and whatnot, but I don't want to replace one with the other...
I'm so tired of dreaming without falling asleep
I am a ghost town and no one's visiting me
I'm on the fast track to never existing at all
It's like riding a plane only hoping to fall
I'm so sick of the clothes that seem to be wearing me
out on the town, like I'm a heart on their sleeve
I'm on the fast track to never really learning to love
it's like holding your breath just to spite your lungs
Chorus
So tell me,
Can a ghost fall in love with an angel?
I see heaven in your eyes, your grays and blues bring me back to life
Verse 2
I'm a rainstorm coming down hard over head
but everybody is safe in their beds
I'm on the fast track to never really counting at all
but you have been here with me all along
Chorus
Bridge
Hello stranger I'm a mess
all hands on deck set sails for nervous wreck
Cast away, Cast away
Chorus
'Ghost Town' Jimmy Robbins
Lasted all of two whole days off laxatives... Then the day before yesterday, because the scale said 103.6, I took 6. That number was just far too unacceptable. Yesterday, I made a veggie patty sub for a customer and I just wanted it so bad. I almost brought one home with me. But instead, I ate probably ten pieces of raisin toast and three glasses of crystal light green tea. It was a very horrible day yesterday...
My car shifter has been being a pain, but I wasn't too concerned. But I left campus and my car started to smell weird. I rolled my window down and figured I would just go home and check under the hood. I got about a mile and my serpentine belt came off. I difficultly maneuvered my car to the cas station a bit ahead and called my uncle. I had to get three miles to Cole muffler. With a few stops in between. Thankfully, I didn't blow a head gasket... Cost me 200 bucks. And apparently there is more to be done when I get home next weekend. I don't know what I am going to do.. I can't afford this. And the car isn't even worth all this fucking repair. It just seems like things are not going as they shoud anymore
I took nine laxatives last night and as of this morning I am at least at 100.0. Due to that, I am going to just have liguids for a few days to get myself off the laxatives. I know that is somewhat stupid, just becasue I know that when I do eventually have solids again, I will feel horrible. That being said, I am keeping a new diary. Whenever I binge on something, it goes in the list of foods I am not allowed to have. Newest entry: Raisin Bread.
I have been looking up foods that will help me stop taking lax and I have found:
Spinach
Broccolli
Cauliflower
Grapes
Probiiotics (?)
ANYONE wanna inform me what that last one is, exactly. I see a lot of people say take supplements for fiber and whatnot, but I don't want to replace one with the other...
18 January 2011
Snow Globe
So, I'm back at school. I am doing pretty much the same thing, but after I got all unpacked and whatnot, I just got... really down. Not sad, just, down. Classes start tomorrow. Hopefully my mood doesn't get any worse. I can't deal with that and first day stress all together. Too much.
Comment Replies (of which are ridiculousy overdue):
O.G.:Yep, the Blogger app for the droid is awesome! And FREE! I'm glad we both enjoi talking to the internet :) very much so
Elara: I am soo going to read that... once i get through the big list of other books also awaiting my mind's eye. Once I do, I'll let ya know how it was. Thanks for telling me bouts it. And thanks for the happy birthday!
TheScaleCracked: I see what you mean about gaining weight after becoming vegan. I never would have thought it was easier to gain weight being vegan than being vegetarian. I have to be so much more strict now. And I am jealous of YOU >> Beautiful (if you don't mind my saying :) I noticed you don't have a blog. Do you have one somewhere else? I would be quite interested in reading.
It has been so long since I last posted. Quite a lot has kinda happened.
To begin, my birthday dinner... oh mymymy. Very bad. Very bad indeed. We ended up going to Friendly's and I ate half a veggie patty and some fries. However, allowing myself to eat that caused me to keep eating them. I went out with friends about three times that week after and at one point, went to applebees and ate an entire veggire cowboy burger, and all my fries. HOLY CRAP! Just imagining those calories makes me want to puke.
Last night was pretty bad too. I hung out with Kristin, she made me dinner. We had spaghetti and meatless meatballs, garlic bread, and a cup of soy milkshake. That alone was too much. But, then, I went home and for some reason had a vegan brownie and two sliced of lite wheat toast with peanut butter. Then I had two more slices of toast with pb. and I had probably three glasses of crystal light lemonade as well. I hadn't purged since my birthday dinner, but last night, it was really not a choice. It was surprisingly easy to do so, I was glad.
Another thing that has badly developed is laxatives. I hate to think of what I have likely done to myself. The night of my birthday dinner, I took 4 before dinner and six more after purging because I was worried purging had possibly gotten rid of some of the laxatives I had already taken. Then the day after I took 6, and the day after that 8, and so on and so forth. Friday night, I took a total of twelve... In the past two weeks, I have probably not taken laxatives maybe, three days max? I, however, did not take any today. Simply becasue I don't want to be in class with a bunch of new people and be running to the bathroom. I don't want to be worrying about having to do so, either.
One good thing about being back here, is that I already feel more of a sense of control again. Back home, I had been doing so well, all the way down to 97, only to lose it and get back all the way up to 102. I am down to 100 right now. I ate a fat free scone my dad picked up for me. I felt bad, becasue it was vegan and he was all excited about it, so I ate it, because I didn't want to make him sad right before I left. Then, I weighed myself just now, after drinking some Powerade (trying to get some electrolytes back from all those laxatives. Zero calories, of course) and it said 100.3, so hopefully with my new restrictions, I will at least be able to be back down to 97 by Friday. I only work three days this week, and no closing days (thankfully, I don't think I will be closing anymore)so, I am going to be planning out my days from everything to going to class, laundry, when I will do what, and when and what exactly I will eat. This seems to work the best for me, so nothing it unplanned and there is no time to roam. Also, I have takien all the food that is in my room and placed it in a drawer in my dresser and covering the food are pictures of me in eighth grade, at about my highest weight and pictures of my favourite Versace thinspo.
Tomorrow's intake: I am going to go down to 300 calories. This seems to be a perfect number. More, and it seems wrong, and less is almost sure to spark a binge.
Coffee x2 w/Splenda
1 serving vegetarian Vegetable soup - 90
1/2 cup applesauce - 50
20 Grapes - 60
This is only 200 calories, but I am going to toy around with it tomorrow and see what my other options are to make it be 300.
Off to bed, 9am class tomorrow.
XXX
Comment Replies (of which are ridiculousy overdue):
O.G.:Yep, the Blogger app for the droid is awesome! And FREE! I'm glad we both enjoi talking to the internet :) very much so
Elara: I am soo going to read that... once i get through the big list of other books also awaiting my mind's eye. Once I do, I'll let ya know how it was. Thanks for telling me bouts it. And thanks for the happy birthday!
TheScaleCracked: I see what you mean about gaining weight after becoming vegan. I never would have thought it was easier to gain weight being vegan than being vegetarian. I have to be so much more strict now. And I am jealous of YOU >> Beautiful (if you don't mind my saying :) I noticed you don't have a blog. Do you have one somewhere else? I would be quite interested in reading.
It has been so long since I last posted. Quite a lot has kinda happened.
To begin, my birthday dinner... oh mymymy. Very bad. Very bad indeed. We ended up going to Friendly's and I ate half a veggie patty and some fries. However, allowing myself to eat that caused me to keep eating them. I went out with friends about three times that week after and at one point, went to applebees and ate an entire veggire cowboy burger, and all my fries. HOLY CRAP! Just imagining those calories makes me want to puke.
Last night was pretty bad too. I hung out with Kristin, she made me dinner. We had spaghetti and meatless meatballs, garlic bread, and a cup of soy milkshake. That alone was too much. But, then, I went home and for some reason had a vegan brownie and two sliced of lite wheat toast with peanut butter. Then I had two more slices of toast with pb. and I had probably three glasses of crystal light lemonade as well. I hadn't purged since my birthday dinner, but last night, it was really not a choice. It was surprisingly easy to do so, I was glad.
Another thing that has badly developed is laxatives. I hate to think of what I have likely done to myself. The night of my birthday dinner, I took 4 before dinner and six more after purging because I was worried purging had possibly gotten rid of some of the laxatives I had already taken. Then the day after I took 6, and the day after that 8, and so on and so forth. Friday night, I took a total of twelve... In the past two weeks, I have probably not taken laxatives maybe, three days max? I, however, did not take any today. Simply becasue I don't want to be in class with a bunch of new people and be running to the bathroom. I don't want to be worrying about having to do so, either.
One good thing about being back here, is that I already feel more of a sense of control again. Back home, I had been doing so well, all the way down to 97, only to lose it and get back all the way up to 102. I am down to 100 right now. I ate a fat free scone my dad picked up for me. I felt bad, becasue it was vegan and he was all excited about it, so I ate it, because I didn't want to make him sad right before I left. Then, I weighed myself just now, after drinking some Powerade (trying to get some electrolytes back from all those laxatives. Zero calories, of course) and it said 100.3, so hopefully with my new restrictions, I will at least be able to be back down to 97 by Friday. I only work three days this week, and no closing days (thankfully, I don't think I will be closing anymore)so, I am going to be planning out my days from everything to going to class, laundry, when I will do what, and when and what exactly I will eat. This seems to work the best for me, so nothing it unplanned and there is no time to roam. Also, I have takien all the food that is in my room and placed it in a drawer in my dresser and covering the food are pictures of me in eighth grade, at about my highest weight and pictures of my favourite Versace thinspo.
Tomorrow's intake: I am going to go down to 300 calories. This seems to be a perfect number. More, and it seems wrong, and less is almost sure to spark a binge.
Coffee x2 w/Splenda
1 serving vegetarian Vegetable soup - 90
1/2 cup applesauce - 50
20 Grapes - 60
This is only 200 calories, but I am going to toy around with it tomorrow and see what my other options are to make it be 300.
Off to bed, 9am class tomorrow.
XXX
09 January 2011
Trees Get Wheeled Away
So, starting today I will be going on a fast until Thursday. The last two days have been really horrible, to say the least... it all started with my birthday dinner. We ended up going to Friendly's for some reason. I got the bbq fronionn Boca burger no cheese no mayo extra lite fronion. I ate an entire half of the burger. I asked the waiter to not give me fries it anything, because I knew that I'd eat them but then mmy sister said she would eat them if I got waffle fries. She didn't. I ate some of those... but then I got home and ate a bit more. And couldn't throw it up. I managed to throw up most of what I ate when I got home.but that's it. So I took 7 laxatives. The next morning I was at least down to 98.8. But then I didn't eat all day because I want hungry. Which is even worse. Until my brother got home and I had a heath cookie and some cheeseless cheese puffs. Gah! And when I went to purge, my dad calls and tells me if he pays me could I take my sister out to her friends house. So I did that. So instead of purging I just took like 8 laxatives. I think that's how many, anyway. I would take 3 then felt that wasn't near enough so I took 3 more and then took some before bed... I think it was maybe a total of 8.
So beginning today and until my certain to be disastrous date on Thursday, I am going to limit my intake to 200 calories max. But today, I will have absolutely.nothing other than 0 calorie drinks. And no laxatives allowed. I want to see how long I can go. It's.just that, with the laxatives, they are a security blanket. Even if I have, say my 160 calorie oatmeal concoction, I still feel like I fucked up and need to take them.
Why my date will surely be disastrous:
It is that date with Kristin at johnny rockets. We are.going at noon on Thursday. When she asked me I said yes. And hen I asked her what she as up to. She was out to lunch with Aaron, her ex, because he was going to buy her a new wallet. He buys her all this shot. I asked her why she was.still with him, because she deserves much better and he is not a niice person at all. And she said she knew that, but that she just loves him and knows that no matter what she will always end up going back to him. She told me this after confessing to me that she did like me again and wanted to 'get to know me again'
So I agreed to go to johnny rockets with her and we are going to talk about things. It's not going to be all that rest because I'm going to tell her that we have to just be friends because I can't play games. Not like this. Not again. My heart can't take it. I barely managed to just het it somewhat back together so it at least isn't crumbling...
'Everyone has the exact love life that they want.'
If that is true then someone slap me. For the most part I am ok with being single. It's easier.raw chance of getting hurt if I'm single. Less complicated. But of course it is always nice for someone to care enough.
So beginning today and until my certain to be disastrous date on Thursday, I am going to limit my intake to 200 calories max. But today, I will have absolutely.nothing other than 0 calorie drinks. And no laxatives allowed. I want to see how long I can go. It's.just that, with the laxatives, they are a security blanket. Even if I have, say my 160 calorie oatmeal concoction, I still feel like I fucked up and need to take them.
Why my date will surely be disastrous:
It is that date with Kristin at johnny rockets. We are.going at noon on Thursday. When she asked me I said yes. And hen I asked her what she as up to. She was out to lunch with Aaron, her ex, because he was going to buy her a new wallet. He buys her all this shot. I asked her why she was.still with him, because she deserves much better and he is not a niice person at all. And she said she knew that, but that she just loves him and knows that no matter what she will always end up going back to him. She told me this after confessing to me that she did like me again and wanted to 'get to know me again'
So I agreed to go to johnny rockets with her and we are going to talk about things. It's not going to be all that rest because I'm going to tell her that we have to just be friends because I can't play games. Not like this. Not again. My heart can't take it. I barely managed to just het it somewhat back together so it at least isn't crumbling...
'Everyone has the exact love life that they want.'
If that is true then someone slap me. For the most part I am ok with being single. It's easier.raw chance of getting hurt if I'm single. Less complicated. But of course it is always nice for someone to care enough.
05 January 2011
Wear Me Down
CW: 99.0
I seem to be stuck... since going vegan, I though I would have actually lost weight. But nope... my grandpa made vegan brownie a la mode today for me so I had to eat that but I was only able to purge a small amount of it. The only other thing I ate today was a lettuce and tomato low calorie wrap. Even though that wasnt very much intake for the day, still I took 6 fucking dulcolax laxatives... starting now, tomorrow, no laxatives for at least 4 days. I am just worried that I am going to really hurt myself, being this stupid with the laxatives. Over the next week and a half, until the 15th, my 19th birthday, I will only be allowed to have the following, period:
Coffee
Water
Apples
Carrots
Peas, raw only
Broccoli
Celery
Grapes
Skinny water (amazing stuff)
If I feel the need to eat something else, then I will have to do 100 jumping jacks and 30 leg lifts each before I actually do so. That way, I will be too tired to lake anything besides the prepared fruits and veggies I have been stocking.
I finally made it to the gym. But I was only able.to go for about fifteen minutes because I had to wear a long sleeve shirt (people would probably be most if thy saw my arm, especially now that there are fresh scars on it. Update ok THAT later... so I was excessively lightheaded. I think it also has to do with the super abuse of laxatives in the last couple days, well, almost a week. No, more than hat even. About. Week and a half that I have been taking laxatives straight... wow.
So tired though. I can barely keep my eyes open, and this entry.prolly makes mo sense so ill elaborate tomorrow... sorry.
XXX
I seem to be stuck... since going vegan, I though I would have actually lost weight. But nope... my grandpa made vegan brownie a la mode today for me so I had to eat that but I was only able to purge a small amount of it. The only other thing I ate today was a lettuce and tomato low calorie wrap. Even though that wasnt very much intake for the day, still I took 6 fucking dulcolax laxatives... starting now, tomorrow, no laxatives for at least 4 days. I am just worried that I am going to really hurt myself, being this stupid with the laxatives. Over the next week and a half, until the 15th, my 19th birthday, I will only be allowed to have the following, period:
Coffee
Water
Apples
Carrots
Peas, raw only
Broccoli
Celery
Grapes
Skinny water (amazing stuff)
If I feel the need to eat something else, then I will have to do 100 jumping jacks and 30 leg lifts each before I actually do so. That way, I will be too tired to lake anything besides the prepared fruits and veggies I have been stocking.
I finally made it to the gym. But I was only able.to go for about fifteen minutes because I had to wear a long sleeve shirt (people would probably be most if thy saw my arm, especially now that there are fresh scars on it. Update ok THAT later... so I was excessively lightheaded. I think it also has to do with the super abuse of laxatives in the last couple days, well, almost a week. No, more than hat even. About. Week and a half that I have been taking laxatives straight... wow.
So tired though. I can barely keep my eyes open, and this entry.prolly makes mo sense so ill elaborate tomorrow... sorry.
XXX
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