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Today's intake:
4 subway cookies... (two right before I weighed myself)
1 small sweet potato, baked plain with skin.

I weighed myself when I got home from work, right after I ate two of the cookies. I was at 100.6. Epic fail. My little brother, awesome dude, got up when I got home. O guess they all, my family, went to friendly's for dinner. He told me what he ate and it was more calories or even food than I have eaten in the last week. He has the following:
Two chocolate milks
A plate of chicken slides, no cheese
A whole side of waffle fries (that's a lot of fries alone!)
A bowl of mandarin oranges
A few bites of his ice cream and then he brought the rest home.

He was telling me all this and I just wanted to like. He said his stomach hurt from eating so much and the thought actually occurred to me to tell him to go throw it up then, why don't you. Am I really that fucked that I would tell my eleven, almost twelve, year old brother to go throw up...? I didn't, but the fact that it even occurred to me just pisses me the fucked off.

Seeing the number 100.6 on the ace tonight made me rely sad. I know it's from those cookies. There was no excuse for my eating them... I don't know, I've been doing so well. But things will be better. They just have to be. By the time I go back to school on the 18th, I have to be down to at least 94. That is more than do-able. Especially with my tongue being stupid like it has been. It is looking better though if it a little.

Have another date/non date tomorrow morning. Morning cuz I work at night. But then she decides to tell me that after she goes out with me, she's going out with her ex bf. I know her and I will probably never get back together, I totally blew it years ago, but oh well. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone going from crush to crush forever. That is until I actually give up and just say fuck it. Which is surely not far off.

Update after the whatever you want to call it tomorrow. Night all

XXX

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To Be Would Be A Wonderful Thing, Indeed

As if yesterday, I was at 99.8. I didn't eat anything all day until got home. I had three small quarters of sweet potato and water. I was so so full. I hava to mail in my ticket today for my overdue inspection, $135. Ouch.

Better post later. This is a pretty uneventful one. Although such a pretty name, yes?

XXX

Drop Dead Lonely

Today. Christmas. It was the same thing as every other year... I get to thinking that today will be different. That today I might actually manage to be in a good mood. That I won't be miserable all day for no expandable reason. Well, too dammit bad. Today was NOT a different day unlike all the others. It was just the same. Except I didn't blow up at anyone. I guess that's progress, yes? It's just that sometimes I get in these moods that I will be randomly pissed off or upset or so fucking down that I can't explain it.

On a better note, yesterday as you know, I was down to 101.6. Today, all I had was a small cinnamon roll with no frosting, reduced fat of course. And I had a. Small scoop of squash. I had it before I went out to my grandparents house, that way, when I got out there the rest of my family was already there and I just told them that I was full. I left after a while so they wouldn't notice that I hadn't eaten anything. They thought I was going to a friends house and when they got home I told them I stuffed myself full at her house. And its already eight o'clock so I won't be eating anything else tonight. It probably wasn't the best idea in the world, but for some reason I took two laxatives when I got home around six maybe. They were the last two left in my package that I bought just after thanksgiving and they were just taunting me. I bought more, so I guess why not use up the last two and then I can start fresh.

Also, tomorrow being Sunday, it is a fast day. And good thing is that I work twelve to eight. The first four hours are with this hi who I am pretty sure restricts too. She has lost at least fifteen pounds since xhalloween. She eats like a bird kinda, so its always been easy to not eat around her. Maybe by Monday I will have broken the triple digit barrier!

Something my sister said really.got to me when I got home last week. We were in her room, because she has a good sized mirror that i can do my hair and makeup in. And I for some reason I mentioned to her that I had lost most if the weight I gained in college. She asked me all obnoxious-like if I was less than a hundred pounds. But the was she asked it, there was a hint of jealousy in her voice. I wouldn't tell her how much I weighed and she said, "if you weigh less than a hundred pounds I'm going to hit you. If you weigh less than me I'm going to hit you harder, because I've been trying to get to at least a hundred pounds and I stuff my face and I can't get there." I wanted to cry. But I didn't, because that would have sparked more questions and I've been so good at hiding this for so long, no point in ruining it now.

Also, since I got my tongue pierced, my throat has been in so much pain. At night it gets worse, as throat soars usually work out. But even though it has gotten somewhat better, it still hurts so much. I was talking to my friend J, although he wasn't quite in the conversation - seemed kind of distracted and whatnot - but said it might have something to do with all the purging I was doing and trying to force myself to do. But that as a couple weeks ago. Why would it o.ly start when I got my tongue pierced?

My blogs have been a lot longer lately. It's because being home, I still haven't really Hung out with my old friends. I say old because it seems we have already grown.apart. but whatever. I don't have much else to do and not many others to talk to. So, like the pathetic person I am, I talk to the internet in my head in a way... if that made any sense at all.

"The truth is beautiful, without doubt, but so are lies."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

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Your Love Is A Lie

CW: 101.6

I got my tongue pierced on Monday. I haven't really eaten much since then. A couple bites of applesauce, a few glasses of light soy milk. I did have two pieces of a cheese sheet pizza on Wednesday at a friends Christmas cookie swap party. It was fun. Got to see all my old friends again my ex girlfriend...

Speaking of which... after the party, I went back to her house to watch Toy Story 3. Never happened. Not much really happened. But I had fun. We played dirty truth or dare and also the foreplay game. They were apps downloaded onto my phone. But yea, the game was quite against me. After about ten minutes, I was down to my underwear. I certainly wasn't complaining too much though. However, I can't kiss with my tongue ring right now so it was quite hard... I wanted to so fucking bad, but she still seems to want her ex back. They are still friends, but iunno. I just can't deal with anymore pain. Heartbeat. Disappointment. Confusion. I'm not really sure. I just, I guess I feel baf, liking someone even though I don't even know for sure WHO I like. I'm just confused. No one wouldnwant this. A fucked up ball of whatever it is that I am.

But she also brought up the fact that I have never had another girlfriend besides her. I guess I was just scared. People were.so mean. I got it into my head that everyone was like that. I realize now that they aren't. It's not as simple as that, but that's all I've got. For now, anyways.

Since I've been home, I haven't cut. Trays something at least. Oh! So, my meeting with ms. Sugar. My therapist from high school. Turns out, my sister was there too. So it wasnt really much of anything. I guess when I hey back, maybe ill go see someone, maybe I won't. We'll just have to wait and see.

More tomorrow. Person to see. :)

XXX

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To stop Is To Love

So I got my tongue pierced yesterday for the second time. Hurts like a bitch. But good news is I haven't eaten anything since yesterday at one pm' I had a small bowl of raisin branp with fat free milk. It's right now 5 o'clock the next day and I am glad to say the only thing I have had is ice water. The thing is, I'm not even really very hungry. I think what I am going to do is keep up this fast until tomorrow. Then, tomorrow at whenever I get up, I will have some applesauce and try to maybe have some coffee.

Going to go tak e a nap now. More later probably...
XXX

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Almost Alice

CW: 102.4

So, I go home in about two and a half days… I am so scared. It just hit me that I am going to have to see people. Like, people that I used to think were my friends and now which are people I don’t care if I see or not. Well, I think I don’t care at least. It wouldn’t really surprise me if I truly did indeed care about them still. It’s just that, well, maybe I don’t WANT to care? If I could just be at least 102 by the time I go home. The first thing I am going to do I’d go to the gym; before I even go home. I am going to get off the thruway in Liverpool and go to the gym and then I’ll be able to get in the shower when I get there and be all ready to go bowling with my sister.
I am all packed ready to go home. I just don’t want to be HERE anymore. Although, I know it will be the same thing when I get there. I won’t want to be THERE anymore and will want to be here again - but hey, maybe not. I am not as lonely there as I am here. That is for damn sure. I don’t really have too many friends, but that is really my own doing. I know if I wanted to, I could probably make a bunch of friends, but I am not sure I do. No, I do not. I enjoy the… not quiet, but, maybe the, ease I suppose. It is so much easier. Yes, that’s it. Easier.

Laxitives are bad yet so fucking wonderful. Gotta go. More in a bit.

And Let the Birds Sing

I just got done reading Portia de Rossi's memoir, Unbearable Lightness. HA! And I thought I liked Wasted... I think I have a new favourite. I really felt like I was often reading about myself. It really did help me more than I could have ever imagined. Lately, I have been really at odds with myself.

I recently went on a not date with my ex. It wasn't really a date, jsut friends, but I am sad to say that, to me, it really truely felt like one. And that hurts more than anything. We were originally going to just go have lunch, but as she usually does, she slept in. So, we went to dinner at friendly's and then saw Tangled. Really good movie. But yea, granted everything I ate later ended up in the toilet, and all through the movie I was resisting the urge to hold her and and more... it was a good time. The weird thing was, she was sending me mixed signals... She kept going on about how her and her bf had broken up. And how, beofre she came over to my house, he asked her when her and I were finally going to have sex. And when I mentioned I really wanted to find someone, like to be with and dateand soemone who wasnt ashamed of me and someone who would be happy to jsut hang out at home rather than have to party, she kept saying how she was single. It was all very confusing. And, all day before we got together, I was in such a good fucking mood. Didn't even THINK about food. My sister even commented on my elated mood. Usually, when I see my friends, guy or girl, I will give them a hug, as well as when we part. However, with Kristin, I didn't even touch her all night except the accidental bumping into her... I don't want to read into it, but I cannot help it...

On another note, Yesterday was a very interesting day...
I got back from class, ate three of those personal size bags you get from like say, subway, of spicy sweet doritos. Then, I puked them all up until I was practically puking my stomach up...As I go, I keep finding better techniques to do it. When I was doing it yesterday, my finger was practically halfway down my throat. It was so easy. Grandted it took a bit longer, but it was pretty good otherwise. Well, I guess I wouldn't say good per se. And that happened at around oneish... The rest of the day I couldn't even think about eating. AND i lost more weight. I guess I can tell you guys how much fucking weight I have gained while being with him and then going to school...


The first time I weighed myself after being at school for a montha nd doing drugs for over a month before that, I weighed almost one hundred and fourteen fucking pounds. I practically ran through the wall to get away form that damn scale. I am now, as of this morning, 106.2

I know that is still fucking nasty, but, idea from unbearable lightness, I have stuck index cards on my wall right where I have to look at them all the time, that is each listed with a weight, pound by pound, down to 92. Every time I pass a pound, the card gets taken off. I was so fucking happy to be able to take down the 107 one this morning!

I haven't really eaten anything per se today. I sadly did have a 2 bite size snickers and three bite size reeses santas.... imagine the fucking calories! but that is all. I did have a cup of coffee with one oacket of truvia and 2/3 cup of light vanilla soymilk. It certainly was not as good as the coffee creamer, but did have WAY less calories. about 6o versus prolly at least 100. Tomorrow, I will try it with an extra packet or truvia and maybe that will make it better. Maybe some of those flavour packets that are no calorie for coffee. wow, my coffee is going to be more complex preparation than that of a fucking recipe. :)

I am currently at Panera, using the internet. I am quickly feeling like I am moer a burden than help for them at the place I live. I don't know aht to do. Every time I talk to my landlady person, it feels like she really wants to tell me to get the fuck out of her mothers home but won't because I have no where else to go. When I go home over break for Christmas,I am going to bring a bunch of my stuff back with me and only keep the stuff there that I really need, jsut in case I DO end up getting kicked out, although I don't think they will. Kick me out I mean.

Also, I can't seem to stop cutting. I think I have mentioned this before. But, I have realized if i cut a certain way I can go deeper, more blood, prettier scars, with less pain. It is not about the pain for me. It is more about seeing the blood come and then, when they are all healed, It makes me feel so good to see those scars. Analyze that as you may, but I don't know. everyone I have heard, they usually say it is the pain, that the pain makes them forget, even if for a minute and focus on something else. Not for me. When I am cutting, It is almost like whatever is making me feel that way, It is intensified tenfold. And when I look at that scar, I remember all over again, but then it's like, I get through it and then something else comes along.

A line just popped into my head.



They are the blueprints for my hell.
Tracking my pain across the surface of my self.
Bringing it for all to see. Don't let them see.
She may look all she wants.
She is my heart.
Holding me as I curl up
Alone
With no one to witness
This show they call life.


Wow... I really like that. I was listening to Armor for sleep and a line from Williamsburg caught my attention. Intrigue. This si quite a long post.

Also, about my 'not-date.' She saw the cuts. She say my stomacha nd my arm (although not the new ones. She would probably have freaked out if she were to see what my arm looks like now....) but she saw them, gave me a hug, and that was that. She didn't badger me or give me a pitying look. And for that I am grateful. I am very very grateful.

The thing is, when I went home for Thanksgiving break, something struck me as really odd. I thought for a second that I wasn't going to be able to hang out with Kristin, and I got really upset. However, I had a few opportunities to see who I thought was one of my better firends,even though we ahve only beenf riends for about a year and a half, but I really didn't care. I knew I should have felt bad, but I didn't. I really didn't...

I was afraid that would happen, but I never thought I woould reconnect with my old friends. Some of them anyways. I pretty much deserted them in high school. Well, there's really no 'pretty much' about it. I did. And for that I am ashamed.

Now the food is tempting and it seems to be all I can think of, so that is my cue to leave. Head over to the bookstore. I am in the mood for some good poetry. More tomorrow morning.

Love you all stay strong


XXX