It's Not My Fault, Really

Wow. I was reading O.G.'s blog
and the last comment pasted in it really pisses me off. As seen, this ladt is 220 lbs and only 5'4''

I AM 5'4''. When I weighed 122 lbs in 8th grade, I was... in my opinion chunky, in others, perhaps 'healthy' and this lady says her healthy weight is 220. I just cannot wrap my head around this. My mouth just dropped, my mind, blank. Dumbfounded. I mean, why would people not want to get healthy and avoid serious problems because of excessively high weight later on in thier future. Does it not discust them that when they look down, they can barely, if at all, see thier feet?? That's just wrong on so many levels... I don't care if you've been fat all your life or whatever, take control, get healthy. She says she eats normally and exercises and hikes, ect, ect, ect. BUllshit. If there was some sort of medical issue, someone would have picked up on that for sure. I bet her idea of eating healthy is making fat foods at home rather than going out and stuffing her face.

I realize this is mean to say, but I'm angry atm so there ya go.

CW: 103.0

I am attempting to navigate and figure out Tumblr...

My Tumblr

Wonderland?

Today was... interesting to say the least. I had a 99 cent Moolatte because a friend bought some and I had yet to have anything yet. Then I had a bowl of Mini wheats. Purged until I was legit empty again. Didn't eat for the rest of the day. Then, I got home around 8pm, extremely, wonderfully empty, from my extra credit thing for History, decided to have a sugar free cafe drink (55 cals). About an hour later, (WARNING: THIS IS KINDA ICK, SO DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED TO READ) I - iunno, burp kinda. But those burps where... erm its not so pleasent(?). I had no intention of puking whatsoever, but I couldn't get it out of my mind. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but the thought would not escape me. So I did it. granted, it hurt SO bad, but it was worth it. Hopefully tomorrow I will not see a gain...

OK BAD PART OVER! :)

I have gotten myself back on wonderful track. The plan:
A yogurt or fruit when I get back from class (100)
Portioned Frozen Diet meal, weighted specifically for me (60-80 cals max) between 3 and 5pm, depending on my work schedule.

This is wuite effective for me, and keeps me from going over 300 calories as well as allows me to eat more than once, fooling my brain into thinking I am treating myself.

The Day of Reversal

As much as it hurts me to write this entry, I feel I owe what followers I have to at least let you know what has been happening...
CW:104.2

The past... month maybe, all I have wanted to do was eat. I wouldn't eat a shit-ton at once. It was more eat a cookie here. Have a cup of cereal there, but have, over the course of every day, for example:
small pack oatmeal, 3 cookies, a handful of chips, finish off the box of cereal, some more cookies. Purge. But this would be over the entire day...

I was down to 96, now am back up to 104. This entry marks the day of reversal. I will actually start paying for my food. :/ Please don't hate me. Also, I will only have enough food in the house for a few days. Also, paying for the food makes me try to not bunge a bit harder.

One upside to the past month, however, I am now the amazingly proud owner of a mint condition 03 Mustang. It is my baby. I refuse to eat in it, so that makes me extremely happy - no more driving around binging in my car.

Food has completely taken over. I can barely focus in my studies, because all I want to think about is what I will eat today and how I am going to keep myself busy and distracted enough to stay away from food and the bathroom.

Two weeks ago, I went to see Red Riding Hood with friends. We went to Unos, I said I had to stop at the store and would meet them for the movie, went to my work, purged, went to the movies. After the movie, another friend asked my ex how much she weighed. 107. I died a little inside. There is now was I can have the same BMI as her. She is 5'6'' so no. I need to loose this weight. Laxatives only every OTHER day... well, I'm trying. I got my period back. I really didn't want to tell you that, but I feel it will motivate me. I go home in about 18 days for Easter break. My Temporary GW for then is 99. That's it. Just 99.

The Versatile Blogger

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.


ver·sa·tile
adj.
1. Capable of doing many things competently.
2. Having varied uses or serving many functions.
3. Variable or inconstant; changeable.
4. Biology Capable of moving freely in all directions, as the antenna of an insect, the toe of an owl, or the loosely attached another of a flower.

Seven Things About Me... hmmm
1: I am an easy liar
2: I am terrified.
3: I act like I don't care and put up a face of indifference, when really, I am screaming and aching on the inside.
4: I am addicted to cutting and have a vice-like grip on my ED and hope it doesn't leave me.
5: The death and pain of animals affect me far more than most human suffering and death.
6: I am gay.
7: I am car-crazy. You have not seen the full extent until you see me freak out over a beautiful car. I own a GORGEOUS 03 Mustang, Standard, Mint cond.

And, tag, you're it!

>>http://dragonflyandamoth.blogspot.com
>>http://paperthinpowderwhite.blogspot.com/
>>http://collapsedbeauty.blogspot.com/
>>http://kellydrinkstea.blogspot.com/
>>http://myjourney-b-may.blogspot.com/
>>http://gauntvisage.blogspot.com/
>>http://stars-in-the-gutter.blogspot.com/
>>http://sk1nnylove.blogspot.com/
>>http://thincapacitated.blogspot.com/
>>http://anafairytale.blogspot.com/

Onward Downward

Going home today... Won't even have a chance to eat until probably five. So I will probably just have a pear today. I purposely wore my skinny jeans today, because they are a bit snug, so, whenever I think about eating, I am reminded how fat I am again because of my jeans.

Sunday, I am going to Uno's and then to see Red Riding Hood with friends. I am going to wear a pair of tighter jeggings again to make sure I don't stuff my face at Uno's. I WILL be in control again. And I will not lose this. I just can't. 101.2 this morning. Slowly but surely, getting there.

I found a couple peoople on prettythin who actually go to school right by me. That made me pretty happy. It just feel differently, interesting, to know there are other who you don't know right by you going through the same thing. It is different than to just assume, yea there are definitely others around here... But gotta go pack my car now. More later tonight.

XXX

Remains

Ever since I got back to -- school, from Spring Break, I just don't want to eat. Entire spring break and before that, that was ALL I wanted to do... The moment I got back practically, it was like a shift. Today, I was eating a Smart Ones Angel Hair Pasta dinner. I love those things. I was eating it and after a few bites, I decided that after I ate it, I was going to throw up. The only other thing I had had was a few swedish fish during classes cuz I was feeling funny, and a windmill cookie. But, I was eating the pasta dinner, and although I was enjoying the taste, I was not, in any sense, enjoying it being in my body. So, to be safe rather than sorry, and to avoid a binge later in the night, I decided to eat the dinner, to trick myself into thinking I had eaten, and then just go throw it up. It worked. I threw it up afterwards and now, I am completely satified. Took five laxatives afterwards (sadly) just to make sure everything comes out. Tomorrow I go home to, hopefully, buy a Mustang. I won't be getting home until about three, then right to the bank to tranfer money, then home, unpack. Clean. Maybe have a pear? We shall see. Prolly just some coffee.

This morning I was down to 101.4 at least. Lost two pounds since Tuesday!

Kirrari:I so missed your comments! Part of me wants to stop cutting, but the other part of me just finds it so beautiful. Is that twisted...?

SO my therapist from HS was talking to me yesterday on Facebook, and she asked me how my eating was... O.O ummm... i never told her about my eating. I fear my binging and purging when I was home the past two times did not go as unnoticed as I though. My sister sees her now as well, so I feel like I cannot tell either of them anything anymore. So be it. But, I just played it off and told her I was much better and feeling much healthier. I still don't know where exactly she got this from and it scares me greatly.

Also, I cannot remember if I said this before, but I do not believe I did... anyways! Ah yes, I did. About my mom finding the bloody gauze that I apparently forgot to clean up (ewey). I am scared she is going to ask me about it again when I go home this weekend. I will jsut tell her that I am not, that I will not prove anyhting to her, because she should believe me, and if that does not work, I may strike below the belt. Depends on how pushy she gets...

Today, I practically plastered my walls with my thinspo I have been collecting in my binders. It looks amazing. Beauty everywhere I look. All showing me how fat I still am, but how skinny I could be. It is doable and so close!

Pull You Back Down

It has been so long since I have posted, and for that, I am very sorry. Ever since I got back from winter break in January, it seems like I will go a day or two really well, but then, for three days, I will just binge and purge... ALL. DAY. LONG. I just got back from spring break, and, for some reason, I don't even want to eat. Before I left to go home, going into the kitchen meant eating three of four cookies, a few pieces of toast, some oatmeal, some pbj, going to the store to get more food, then purging in between. I got back form classes today, went into the kitchen, and was just repulsed. I had a 50 cal. applesauce, but could barely finish that. I also weighed myself AFTER i ATE...

102.9

I am going to not eat for the rest of the day, nor tomorrow. And only salad and fruit. No more fat. Period.

ALso, because of the constant lax usage... still no period.

Back to the reason I originally got on here today:
When I went home, I couldn't sleep in my room, because no one would get me firewood, which means no heat, which means my room was about fourty or fifty degree max, so I was sleeping in the livingroom on the loveseat, and getting dressed and such in my sisters room. Apparently, I left some bloody washcloth in her room... My mom called me and I told her I had cut myself shaving really bad... But now it keeps running through my mind what I am going to do this summer. It is going to be so fucking obvious... No point in stressing about it now, but I know I will.

Still feeling pretty numb since I got back. At first, I was sad, but now I'm quite apathetic... Glad that hollow in my stomach is back though.

I'll try to post more, sorry again for my long absence. Love ya