False Advertising

I was right. It is easier to be alone than try to make something work that shouldn't couldn't wouldn't. There's this guy that works next door to me back home, he goes to a local uni by me and we went to the same high school, hes two years older than me. A really sweet guy. I say that with a slight scowl, however. I went on a date, I guess, with him tonight. We just went to the movies. At first, I thought it was going to be okay. I had that 'date' jitters or whatever. I was glad to be there. Although he's at least a foot taller than me. But anyways, a little while into the movie he put his hand on my knee. Before he did that, I was okay, I was all nervous and such like when you are on a first date, but the moment he touched me, I felt... I'm not sure the exact word, but dirty, cheap, a liar.
Tease. Fake. Closet. Fall.
I didn't do anything. Didn't really move to acknowledge that it was ok or not. just. sat. there. After the movie, I gave him a big hug. I have needed a hug for a long time. That is definitely true. Hugs can hold you together. They can squish everything back into place sometimes. However, afterwards he kissed me. Just a small peck, but still. I smiled, he said we would get together next week when I was feeling better from my teeth. I didn't really say anything and I got in my car. The second he drove away, everything ceased. Then the wave hit me. I felt so guilty. I kept thinking about what a horrible person I am. I should not be dating anyone, because I don't even know what I want and shouldn't bring anyone else down with me. I zoned out the entire drive home and even missed my exit. It took everything just to drive in my own lane straight.

Sorry about the pity post, it jsut helps for some reason.

Trees Get Wheeled Away

So, starting today I will be going on a fast until Thursday. The last two days have been really horrible, to say the least... it all started with my birthday dinner. We ended up going to Friendly's for some reason. I got the bbq fronionn Boca burger no cheese no mayo extra lite fronion. I ate an entire half of the burger. I asked the waiter to not give me fries it anything, because I knew that I'd eat them but then mmy sister said she would eat them if I got waffle fries. She didn't. I ate some of those... but then I got home and ate a bit more. And couldn't throw it up. I managed to throw up most of what I ate when I got home.but that's it. So I took 7 laxatives. The next morning I was at least down to 98.8. But then I didn't eat all day because I want hungry. Which is even worse. Until my brother got home and I had a heath cookie and some cheeseless cheese puffs. Gah! And when I went to purge, my dad calls and tells me if he pays me could I take my sister out to her friends house. So I did that. So instead of purging I just took like 8 laxatives. I think that's how many, anyway. I would take 3 then felt that wasn't near enough so I took 3 more and then took some before bed... I think it was maybe a total of 8.

So beginning today and until my certain to be disastrous date on Thursday, I am going to limit my intake to 200 calories max. But today, I will have absolutely.nothing other than 0 calorie drinks. And no laxatives allowed. I want to see how long I can go. It's.just that, with the laxatives, they are a security blanket. Even if I have, say my 160 calorie oatmeal concoction, I still feel like I fucked up and need to take them.

Why my date will surely be disastrous:
It is that date with Kristin at johnny rockets. We are.going at noon on Thursday. When she asked me I said yes. And hen I asked her what she as up to. She was out to lunch with Aaron, her ex, because he was going to buy her a new wallet. He buys her all this shot. I asked her why she was.still with him, because she deserves much better and he is not a niice person at all. And she said she knew that, but that she just loves him and knows that no matter what she will always end up going back to him. She told me this after confessing to me that she did like me again and wanted to 'get to know me again'

So I agreed to go to johnny rockets with her and we are going to talk about things. It's not going to be all that rest because I'm going to tell her that we have to just be friends because I can't play games. Not like this. Not again. My heart can't take it. I barely managed to just het it somewhat back together so it at least isn't crumbling...

'Everyone has the exact love life that they want.'
If that is true then someone slap me. For the most part I am ok with being single. It's easier.raw chance of getting hurt if I'm single. Less complicated. But of course it is always nice for someone to care enough.