Garden Statement

I love you more than even I know. If that makes any sense. You are the only friend. ONLY. one that I have not pushed away. I have known you for so long and loved you just as well. You know everything there is to know about me.

Honestly, I am worried about myself as well. But not enough to really be worried worried. I managed to go two whole days off laxatives. I took 6 the day brfore yesterday and 9 last night. I am working on it though, and that is all I am asking for. I have yet to take any today, and tomorrow I am going to go buy frozen vegetables, because that way all I will be eating is lite soup and frozen veggies.

haha, I had what I think were three rum balls this morning. I think thats what they were anyway. My housemate left them for me and her. They were like, pb or something covered in chocolate. they had a lil hole in the top like someone stuck something in them and the idea of rum balls comes to mind. So... yea. But, I don't wanna keep taking lax cuz I havent felt that well lately. And I watched that docu on youtube, Thin, and it totally scared me. It didnt scared me, ED scared me. It lax scared me. In the end, it says one of the girls tried to commit suicide by od on diuretics! Holy shit I didn't know that could happen. So yea, I want to try and stay off them for a couple days. In order to do this, I am going to not weigh myself for a while. Okies, Imma go write all this in my blog. :) I just want you to know, I love you and you above all for the most part. I read this message from you and just started fucking crying. It just. I dont know, sometimes i see what others maybe see, but then a split second later, that part of me jumps up and sees what my head sees with different eyes. that is the best way i can explain it i guess. .

J sent me a message about my blog, and that was essentially what I told him. Every bit of it is true. Sometimes, I do think I am maybe OK looking, but for the most part, I see my stomach and my thighs and my fucking muffin top and it totally grosses me out. I wish I could just cut it off and be done with it. Like my chin. My double chin is discusting.

I should really be studying though so more tonight. Been going to bed well before midnight and getting up early. TTH I have an 8aam class and MWF is 9am.