I could start off with saying 'I just don't know what happened,' but in a way, that would be a complete and utter lie. I went home weighing 104.4. Came back weighing 108.8. I comfort myself slightly with the mantra, 'you did not take lax last night, you did not take lax last night, and that has something to do with the gain. even if it IS jsut a little bit.' This is still a slight lie. I was eating like a 'regular' person pretty much would. For me, that is fucking nasty and wayy too much. All my progress has gone down the fucking toilet.
I hadn't been updating as much, because I no longer have internet at my house, so it is hard. I did, however, get offered the managemnet position at work, and I think I may take it.
As a last ditch attempt, I got my tongue pierced.. again. It has been 24 hours since I intook anything other than a few sips of water here and there, some advil and tylenol. It hurts to enev MOVE my tongue, let alone eat anything. It hurts worse than my others, because it is two side by side, going through the muscle. Oh how it hurts. But it will be worth it all in the end. Whether they stay in or not.
I haven't gone to class all week. I jsut can't. I have one more week, then just a 'week' of tests. And then I can finally leave this place forever. and Ever. It seems unreal. Like, it is so close, and when it finally comes to be, someone is going to jump out at me and scream 'PSYCH' it was just all a great joke, no one wants you back, you don't get to go home. You made the mistake of coming here when everyone told you it was a bad idea, and this is what you get for not listening. I should have dropped out in the beginning when I wanted to. It served no purpose to stay here and practically flunk out of college while simultaneously digging myself a deeper and deeper grave.
the only semi-good thing I can say is that I didn't take any laxatives last night. I think I will not take any tonight either. Then take just 1 the following night. And try doing it that way, hopefully I can wean myself off them that way.
My plan, also, is until I go home, I am going to be having only baby food, bananas, applesauce, and popsicles.
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
Showing posts with label College. Show all posts
28 April 2011
22 January 2011
Garden Statement
I love you more than even I know. If that makes any sense. You are the only friend. ONLY. one that I have not pushed away. I have known you for so long and loved you just as well. You know everything there is to know about me.
Honestly, I am worried about myself as well. But not enough to really be worried worried. I managed to go two whole days off laxatives. I took 6 the day brfore yesterday and 9 last night. I am working on it though, and that is all I am asking for. I have yet to take any today, and tomorrow I am going to go buy frozen vegetables, because that way all I will be eating is lite soup and frozen veggies.
haha, I had what I think were three rum balls this morning. I think thats what they were anyway. My housemate left them for me and her. They were like, pb or something covered in chocolate. they had a lil hole in the top like someone stuck something in them and the idea of rum balls comes to mind. So... yea. But, I don't wanna keep taking lax cuz I havent felt that well lately. And I watched that docu on youtube, Thin, and it totally scared me. It didnt scared me, ED scared me. It lax scared me. In the end, it says one of the girls tried to commit suicide by od on diuretics! Holy shit I didn't know that could happen. So yea, I want to try and stay off them for a couple days. In order to do this, I am going to not weigh myself for a while. Okies, Imma go write all this in my blog. :) I just want you to know, I love you and you above all for the most part. I read this message from you and just started fucking crying. It just. I dont know, sometimes i see what others maybe see, but then a split second later, that part of me jumps up and sees what my head sees with different eyes. that is the best way i can explain it i guess. .
J sent me a message about my blog, and that was essentially what I told him. Every bit of it is true. Sometimes, I do think I am maybe OK looking, but for the most part, I see my stomach and my thighs and my fucking muffin top and it totally grosses me out. I wish I could just cut it off and be done with it. Like my chin. My double chin is discusting.
I should really be studying though so more tonight. Been going to bed well before midnight and getting up early. TTH I have an 8aam class and MWF is 9am.
Honestly, I am worried about myself as well. But not enough to really be worried worried. I managed to go two whole days off laxatives. I took 6 the day brfore yesterday and 9 last night. I am working on it though, and that is all I am asking for. I have yet to take any today, and tomorrow I am going to go buy frozen vegetables, because that way all I will be eating is lite soup and frozen veggies.
haha, I had what I think were three rum balls this morning. I think thats what they were anyway. My housemate left them for me and her. They were like, pb or something covered in chocolate. they had a lil hole in the top like someone stuck something in them and the idea of rum balls comes to mind. So... yea. But, I don't wanna keep taking lax cuz I havent felt that well lately. And I watched that docu on youtube, Thin, and it totally scared me. It didnt scared me, ED scared me. It lax scared me. In the end, it says one of the girls tried to commit suicide by od on diuretics! Holy shit I didn't know that could happen. So yea, I want to try and stay off them for a couple days. In order to do this, I am going to not weigh myself for a while. Okies, Imma go write all this in my blog. :) I just want you to know, I love you and you above all for the most part. I read this message from you and just started fucking crying. It just. I dont know, sometimes i see what others maybe see, but then a split second later, that part of me jumps up and sees what my head sees with different eyes. that is the best way i can explain it i guess. .
J sent me a message about my blog, and that was essentially what I told him. Every bit of it is true. Sometimes, I do think I am maybe OK looking, but for the most part, I see my stomach and my thighs and my fucking muffin top and it totally grosses me out. I wish I could just cut it off and be done with it. Like my chin. My double chin is discusting.
I should really be studying though so more tonight. Been going to bed well before midnight and getting up early. TTH I have an 8aam class and MWF is 9am.
18 January 2011
Snow Globe
So, I'm back at school. I am doing pretty much the same thing, but after I got all unpacked and whatnot, I just got... really down. Not sad, just, down. Classes start tomorrow. Hopefully my mood doesn't get any worse. I can't deal with that and first day stress all together. Too much.
Comment Replies (of which are ridiculousy overdue):
O.G.:Yep, the Blogger app for the droid is awesome! And FREE! I'm glad we both enjoi talking to the internet :) very much so
Elara: I am soo going to read that... once i get through the big list of other books also awaiting my mind's eye. Once I do, I'll let ya know how it was. Thanks for telling me bouts it. And thanks for the happy birthday!
TheScaleCracked: I see what you mean about gaining weight after becoming vegan. I never would have thought it was easier to gain weight being vegan than being vegetarian. I have to be so much more strict now. And I am jealous of YOU >> Beautiful (if you don't mind my saying :) I noticed you don't have a blog. Do you have one somewhere else? I would be quite interested in reading.
It has been so long since I last posted. Quite a lot has kinda happened.
To begin, my birthday dinner... oh mymymy. Very bad. Very bad indeed. We ended up going to Friendly's and I ate half a veggie patty and some fries. However, allowing myself to eat that caused me to keep eating them. I went out with friends about three times that week after and at one point, went to applebees and ate an entire veggire cowboy burger, and all my fries. HOLY CRAP! Just imagining those calories makes me want to puke.
Last night was pretty bad too. I hung out with Kristin, she made me dinner. We had spaghetti and meatless meatballs, garlic bread, and a cup of soy milkshake. That alone was too much. But, then, I went home and for some reason had a vegan brownie and two sliced of lite wheat toast with peanut butter. Then I had two more slices of toast with pb. and I had probably three glasses of crystal light lemonade as well. I hadn't purged since my birthday dinner, but last night, it was really not a choice. It was surprisingly easy to do so, I was glad.
Another thing that has badly developed is laxatives. I hate to think of what I have likely done to myself. The night of my birthday dinner, I took 4 before dinner and six more after purging because I was worried purging had possibly gotten rid of some of the laxatives I had already taken. Then the day after I took 6, and the day after that 8, and so on and so forth. Friday night, I took a total of twelve... In the past two weeks, I have probably not taken laxatives maybe, three days max? I, however, did not take any today. Simply becasue I don't want to be in class with a bunch of new people and be running to the bathroom. I don't want to be worrying about having to do so, either.
One good thing about being back here, is that I already feel more of a sense of control again. Back home, I had been doing so well, all the way down to 97, only to lose it and get back all the way up to 102. I am down to 100 right now. I ate a fat free scone my dad picked up for me. I felt bad, becasue it was vegan and he was all excited about it, so I ate it, because I didn't want to make him sad right before I left. Then, I weighed myself just now, after drinking some Powerade (trying to get some electrolytes back from all those laxatives. Zero calories, of course) and it said 100.3, so hopefully with my new restrictions, I will at least be able to be back down to 97 by Friday. I only work three days this week, and no closing days (thankfully, I don't think I will be closing anymore)so, I am going to be planning out my days from everything to going to class, laundry, when I will do what, and when and what exactly I will eat. This seems to work the best for me, so nothing it unplanned and there is no time to roam. Also, I have takien all the food that is in my room and placed it in a drawer in my dresser and covering the food are pictures of me in eighth grade, at about my highest weight and pictures of my favourite Versace thinspo.
Tomorrow's intake: I am going to go down to 300 calories. This seems to be a perfect number. More, and it seems wrong, and less is almost sure to spark a binge.
Coffee x2 w/Splenda
1 serving vegetarian Vegetable soup - 90
1/2 cup applesauce - 50
20 Grapes - 60
This is only 200 calories, but I am going to toy around with it tomorrow and see what my other options are to make it be 300.
Off to bed, 9am class tomorrow.
XXX
Comment Replies (of which are ridiculousy overdue):
O.G.:Yep, the Blogger app for the droid is awesome! And FREE! I'm glad we both enjoi talking to the internet :) very much so
Elara: I am soo going to read that... once i get through the big list of other books also awaiting my mind's eye. Once I do, I'll let ya know how it was. Thanks for telling me bouts it. And thanks for the happy birthday!
TheScaleCracked: I see what you mean about gaining weight after becoming vegan. I never would have thought it was easier to gain weight being vegan than being vegetarian. I have to be so much more strict now. And I am jealous of YOU >> Beautiful (if you don't mind my saying :) I noticed you don't have a blog. Do you have one somewhere else? I would be quite interested in reading.
It has been so long since I last posted. Quite a lot has kinda happened.
To begin, my birthday dinner... oh mymymy. Very bad. Very bad indeed. We ended up going to Friendly's and I ate half a veggie patty and some fries. However, allowing myself to eat that caused me to keep eating them. I went out with friends about three times that week after and at one point, went to applebees and ate an entire veggire cowboy burger, and all my fries. HOLY CRAP! Just imagining those calories makes me want to puke.
Last night was pretty bad too. I hung out with Kristin, she made me dinner. We had spaghetti and meatless meatballs, garlic bread, and a cup of soy milkshake. That alone was too much. But, then, I went home and for some reason had a vegan brownie and two sliced of lite wheat toast with peanut butter. Then I had two more slices of toast with pb. and I had probably three glasses of crystal light lemonade as well. I hadn't purged since my birthday dinner, but last night, it was really not a choice. It was surprisingly easy to do so, I was glad.
Another thing that has badly developed is laxatives. I hate to think of what I have likely done to myself. The night of my birthday dinner, I took 4 before dinner and six more after purging because I was worried purging had possibly gotten rid of some of the laxatives I had already taken. Then the day after I took 6, and the day after that 8, and so on and so forth. Friday night, I took a total of twelve... In the past two weeks, I have probably not taken laxatives maybe, three days max? I, however, did not take any today. Simply becasue I don't want to be in class with a bunch of new people and be running to the bathroom. I don't want to be worrying about having to do so, either.
One good thing about being back here, is that I already feel more of a sense of control again. Back home, I had been doing so well, all the way down to 97, only to lose it and get back all the way up to 102. I am down to 100 right now. I ate a fat free scone my dad picked up for me. I felt bad, becasue it was vegan and he was all excited about it, so I ate it, because I didn't want to make him sad right before I left. Then, I weighed myself just now, after drinking some Powerade (trying to get some electrolytes back from all those laxatives. Zero calories, of course) and it said 100.3, so hopefully with my new restrictions, I will at least be able to be back down to 97 by Friday. I only work three days this week, and no closing days (thankfully, I don't think I will be closing anymore)so, I am going to be planning out my days from everything to going to class, laundry, when I will do what, and when and what exactly I will eat. This seems to work the best for me, so nothing it unplanned and there is no time to roam. Also, I have takien all the food that is in my room and placed it in a drawer in my dresser and covering the food are pictures of me in eighth grade, at about my highest weight and pictures of my favourite Versace thinspo.
Tomorrow's intake: I am going to go down to 300 calories. This seems to be a perfect number. More, and it seems wrong, and less is almost sure to spark a binge.
Coffee x2 w/Splenda
1 serving vegetarian Vegetable soup - 90
1/2 cup applesauce - 50
20 Grapes - 60
This is only 200 calories, but I am going to toy around with it tomorrow and see what my other options are to make it be 300.
Off to bed, 9am class tomorrow.
XXX
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