Just a Reminder for Ma. haha.

So, I'm supposed to be writing a ten page paper about anorexia for my beginner Sociology class right now. It was due three days ago. Lately I've been ahving trouble sleeping, so when I get home, I'm just so damn tired. Tomorrow is the cut-off date for late papers that my professor will actually look at, so I fugure I should probably do it. It's just that, I'm doing all this 'statistical, factual' research and it is pissing me off. I'm trying to keep my paper neutral and whatnot, and not go overboard with saying something like, being five four, if you weight 120 lbs. go get some damn help. ew, figure that might cause some questions that are quite unwanted. I'm finally back down to 102. For about a week I was at 103.4 and today I checked and was so happy to see that I was once again at least back down to 102.0, which is pretty good. I did quite well today with eating.

Breakfast: Coffee with light 'creamer' and a little sugar.
Lunch: 100 calorie fruit and grain bar. Apple juice
Snack: 4 small apple slices.
Dinner: 2 small Boca Tacos (Hard shell, boca, lettuse, spinach, tomato, teaspoon taco sauce. Grape juice

I'm so happy I stayed away from junk food today. Lately I see and and want to try just a little bite, but I know it is definitely NOT worth it.

Oooh! And I found these LIpton Cup o' Soup things at the grocery store today, and a wholw mug of soup is only 45 calories. And they will probably fill me up for a while, which is niice. But they won't make me feel overful. haha.

Probably should get back to writing that essay now... Damn, so don't want to though.

it' not so bad,now is it?

Coffee with cream and sugar 150 calories
1/2 cup special k w/milk 150 calories
pear 80 calories
apple juice 60 calories

total: 440 calories

So glad i avoided those brownies today!! dont even know why i made them. They just taunt me. damn how the hell do you spell taunt?!?! it so doesnt look right. haha
woke up today and had a really bad headache. weird because i havent had one in a while. not since i started drinking coffee that is. but maybe its becasue in the last couple weeks ive been really watching how much i eat. i try to stay under 600 calories. today was quite an accomplishment! im so happy. i know i may have a problem, but i cant bring myself to say anything. i like feeling empty. light. i realized it feels just as bad to feel too full as it does to feel hungry. and i feel happier when im hungry. what is so bad about that?

Should That Make Me Feel Good...?

When people comment on how skinny I am, I act like it doesn't phase me. Or that it's just whatever. But on the inside I am jumping for joy. And when I see people looking at me in public, I feel awesome. I feel better than them, because I have more control and they are weakweakweak. Even my best friend. She is SOSOSO not skinny really. But shes not supermajor fat. She has this joke. She says I have 'Hip Bones of DEATH' and I just pass it off like she never said anything, but it always makes me feel better.

Today, I ate a small brownie and felt so discusting. why did I have to eat that. It was quite unneccesary. So, for the rest of the day all I did was exercise and drink water. But that. Where did that get me...

Taking Advantage

Never thought I'd be blogging about this... It has been a long time coming though I guess. I remember, people have always called me skinny, but I never really paid much attention. I saw a picture of myself in 8th grade and it totally discusted me. And that scared me. But I have decided that's maybe a bad thing, but not completely. I am 5'4'' and in 8th grade i weighed around 120 lbs. give or take a couple pounds. I never really paid much attention to it. Back then, I was always taller than my friends. Then, they all caught up to me. However, witht height they all gained weight too.

Now, I am a Senior in high school and weigh 102 lbs. Still the same height. Yet, I'm not happy with it. I feel I could loose more and look better. Much. Much. Better. No one has noticed this. No onenoticed when I stopped eating breakfast. Then junk food. Then only ate a small bit here and there. I think maybe it kind of started when I became vegetarian. After that, I gradually lost the weight, and it didn't really occur to me too much.

About a year ago, my doctor took notice that I was down to 114 lbs. and she would ask me if there was anything wrong. I always said - and still say - no. No No No No No No No NO

Then, I got sick and was down to 107 lbs. I felt proud of myself for being that small. When my doctor told me I was in the twelfth percentile for my height and whatnot, all I could think was 'I can get to a smaller percentile than that, definitely.'

I've been stuck at 102 lately but I want less. Less is more, they always do say. Even just 101 would be niice. But, then what? What happens when I get to 101?

I recently heard about this place called Ophelia's Place kind of close to where I live and I was thinking about talking to them, or even talking to my therapist, but then I got to thinking. I don't know if I'm ready to get help yet. It's not a problem yet. Obviously not becasue no one even noticed yet.

Does that even make any sense...