This one is the one I am working on right now. I am adding lines here and there as I go. But, here it is... Be niice please :)
We all play a role
Why are you so empty?
When your palce is so full
Come back
Bring me with you
AlonelonelyAlonelonely
Challenge me.
Call me on my due
You,
As like the hallow I cannot place
Flow to me like a river to the sea.
So there ya go.
Here:
But what to do
When your mind has become
Your heart threatens to burst from you chest
And the one standing there is not the one
Making your heart yearn for a separate home
Yet the same?
15 November 2010
14 November 2010
Different Ways of the Same Thing
Hunger and Fullness are virtually the same feeling. But I like Hungry better. Fullness and I have a Love Super Hte relationship.
Run out of my shoes.
I am really scared to go home. I don't remember if I posted this before, but if so, well, I guess I'm posting it again. I will be home for six days and five nights. Not really looking forward to it as much as you would think. I mean, I am kind of happy. But, I am pretty sure I won;t be as happy to seee all my old friends as much as I hoped or thought I would. Really, I hope I get to work a lot and that way I won't feel as obligated to do so. And I'll be able to go to my gym again. Get my run on (wow that was lame). Damn, there is this girl sitting in Panera. Oooooh :D Please and thank YOU. :D:D:D:D
Oh well. Alone is certainly better, in some ways. But whatever ya. I sometimes wish everything could just stop. Like, I could stop worrying. Stop being so fucking sad. Stop just... Stop. Not stop existing I guess, but to jjust stop for a while. Too bad that isn't going to happen, but I can dream I spose.
I am just so fucking sick of hurting when I watch just about any movie. If someone were to ask me one thing I could have RIGHT NOW, it would be for someone to come along and really mean it and come up and give me a hug from behind and whisper something to me. And. Really. Mean. It. That is such a wonderful feeling. To have someone care.
I mean, why do we all even yearn for that. For someone ELSE to care about us. Is it really not enough to care about ourselves. Although, I guess many of us don;t. Care. What does that even mean????
Oh well. Alone is certainly better, in some ways. But whatever ya. I sometimes wish everything could just stop. Like, I could stop worrying. Stop being so fucking sad. Stop just... Stop. Not stop existing I guess, but to jjust stop for a while. Too bad that isn't going to happen, but I can dream I spose.
I am just so fucking sick of hurting when I watch just about any movie. If someone were to ask me one thing I could have RIGHT NOW, it would be for someone to come along and really mean it and come up and give me a hug from behind and whisper something to me. And. Really. Mean. It. That is such a wonderful feeling. To have someone care.
I mean, why do we all even yearn for that. For someone ELSE to care about us. Is it really not enough to care about ourselves. Although, I guess many of us don;t. Care. What does that even mean????
The only thing I ate today was half a bag of fat free lays potato chips. As soon as I got out of work I went to study so as not to end up eating. This seems to be avery good distraction. Studying, I mean. HA Who woulda known. Also, I made a list the other day of things I can and do do when I feel like I am going to cave. Enjoy!
Tips:
1.: Crochet
2.: Write poetry
3.: Write in journal
4.: Go to the store. Browse.
5.: Read a book/magazine
6.: Have something to drink
7.: Clean my room
8.: Make To Do and other lists
9.: Take a shower
10.: Exercise
11.: Go for a run
12.: Study/Do Homework
13.: Surf the internet
14.: Watch a movie
15.: Call someone… maybe not.
16.: Do some much needed laundry
17.: Do the dishes
18.: Cook something very intricate and time consuming
19.: Do hair/makeup
20.: Reorganize clothes
21.: Make bed
22.: Clean car
23. Vacuum/sweep
24.: Play a card game
25.: Play Sudoku or other ‘board’ game
26.: Make a collage
27.: Weigh yourself. Think of what would happen to that number if you ATE!
28.: Look at yourself naked in the mirror. Can you? Didn't fucking think so.
29.: Do a jigsaw puzzle
30.: Go to a coffee shop. Study there
31.: Go window shopping
32.: Reorganize shelves and belongings.
33.: Brush teeth and double mouthwash
34.: Repaint your nails
35.: Get a colouring book and crayons
36.: Think of tattoo ideas
37.: Think of all the things you have to do that day. Plan out your time in increments
SO there ya go. Hope you like it. There's other things you could do course. But this is the basic list for what I do. HA, don't I have SUCH an exciting existance. Yea, I know...
Tips:
1.: Crochet
2.: Write poetry
3.: Write in journal
4.: Go to the store. Browse.
5.: Read a book/magazine
6.: Have something to drink
7.: Clean my room
8.: Make To Do and other lists
9.: Take a shower
10.: Exercise
11.: Go for a run
12.: Study/Do Homework
13.: Surf the internet
14.: Watch a movie
15.: Call someone… maybe not.
16.: Do some much needed laundry
17.: Do the dishes
18.: Cook something very intricate and time consuming
19.: Do hair/makeup
20.: Reorganize clothes
21.: Make bed
22.: Clean car
23. Vacuum/sweep
24.: Play a card game
25.: Play Sudoku or other ‘board’ game
26.: Make a collage
27.: Weigh yourself. Think of what would happen to that number if you ATE!
28.: Look at yourself naked in the mirror. Can you? Didn't fucking think so.
29.: Do a jigsaw puzzle
30.: Go to a coffee shop. Study there
31.: Go window shopping
32.: Reorganize shelves and belongings.
33.: Brush teeth and double mouthwash
34.: Repaint your nails
35.: Get a colouring book and crayons
36.: Think of tattoo ideas
37.: Think of all the things you have to do that day. Plan out your time in increments
SO there ya go. Hope you like it. There's other things you could do course. But this is the basic list for what I do. HA, don't I have SUCH an exciting existance. Yea, I know...
11 November 2010
The Hollow in my Heart
Has reached my mind.
Yesterday, I did give in. I had five oreos with half a cup of fat-free milk. Today, I have not had anything other than about two pots of coffee. HA! I woke up, studied for my exam. TOOK my exam. Came to Panera's to study some more and get on the internet. Hoorah for free wifi. :) I kinda of feel like leaving now, but I don't really want to go home yet, because it's only 530pm. I sadly don't really have anyhomework. Yea, sadly. But, I don't really know what to do.
As I said before, I have gained the freshmen ick! But I am fast on my way to loosing it. In the past week I have lost three pounds. I would have lost more, but of course, my Sunday cowfest put me quite back. But, that was and is the last time I will do that. It has to be. I have somehow started writing, well, attempting, to write peotry again. I used to do it all the time back in middle school. But, I was in abnormal psych and it jsut started to pop into my head. They prof would say something and then I would start to add to it. I don't have them with me, but next time I am able to get on, I will post some of them. There is one that I am seriously working on. It's far from finished, but I am really liking it so far. The line from above is from it.
Wow, I've been at Panera's for four hours now. And I haven't really been tempted to get something. I told myself that at 5 I could eat something. But, I think I might get something from teh store instead. Less calories and all. I really do wanst a breadbowl with the fat free soup. That would be pretty niice. And I havent really eaten anything in two days. I think ehat I will do is have the bread-bowl and then again tomorrow I will fast. But actually do it. No cookies. Oh, yea after I ate those oreos yesterday, I threw the rest of the package in the trash. I've been doing that a lot lately. If there is something that I have and am really being tempted my it, I will just throw it out. It seems to be working, yes.
I've also been writing a lot in an actual journal. It is easy to carry around and I tend to think differently when I am writing to myself. Even though not many people read this, I feel like I am talking to someone rather than just writing.
I DO want a soup. But I really don't like eating in front of people. Especially a crouded cafe. I don't think I'd be able to do it. And besides it cost quite a bit more money. Yea, I think I'll jsut stop at the store on my way home. Now that I think about it, Seeing as my car is breaking, I should prolly get going so I don't get stranded in the middle of the night. AND I only have highbeams on my car now. So that's quite bad too. ha.
Well, I think my time is about up here. Love ya, talk laters.
LOVE all you followers. YOU ARE AWESOME!!!
XXX
Yesterday, I did give in. I had five oreos with half a cup of fat-free milk. Today, I have not had anything other than about two pots of coffee. HA! I woke up, studied for my exam. TOOK my exam. Came to Panera's to study some more and get on the internet. Hoorah for free wifi. :) I kinda of feel like leaving now, but I don't really want to go home yet, because it's only 530pm. I sadly don't really have anyhomework. Yea, sadly. But, I don't really know what to do.
As I said before, I have gained the freshmen ick! But I am fast on my way to loosing it. In the past week I have lost three pounds. I would have lost more, but of course, my Sunday cowfest put me quite back. But, that was and is the last time I will do that. It has to be. I have somehow started writing, well, attempting, to write peotry again. I used to do it all the time back in middle school. But, I was in abnormal psych and it jsut started to pop into my head. They prof would say something and then I would start to add to it. I don't have them with me, but next time I am able to get on, I will post some of them. There is one that I am seriously working on. It's far from finished, but I am really liking it so far. The line from above is from it.
Wow, I've been at Panera's for four hours now. And I haven't really been tempted to get something. I told myself that at 5 I could eat something. But, I think I might get something from teh store instead. Less calories and all. I really do wanst a breadbowl with the fat free soup. That would be pretty niice. And I havent really eaten anything in two days. I think ehat I will do is have the bread-bowl and then again tomorrow I will fast. But actually do it. No cookies. Oh, yea after I ate those oreos yesterday, I threw the rest of the package in the trash. I've been doing that a lot lately. If there is something that I have and am really being tempted my it, I will just throw it out. It seems to be working, yes.
I've also been writing a lot in an actual journal. It is easy to carry around and I tend to think differently when I am writing to myself. Even though not many people read this, I feel like I am talking to someone rather than just writing.
I DO want a soup. But I really don't like eating in front of people. Especially a crouded cafe. I don't think I'd be able to do it. And besides it cost quite a bit more money. Yea, I think I'll jsut stop at the store on my way home. Now that I think about it, Seeing as my car is breaking, I should prolly get going so I don't get stranded in the middle of the night. AND I only have highbeams on my car now. So that's quite bad too. ha.
Well, I think my time is about up here. Love ya, talk laters.
LOVE all you followers. YOU ARE AWESOME!!!
XXX
10 November 2010
Sudden Shift
Sorry I haven't written in a while. Myn laptop cord broke and I just got a new one. But now, the interent at my house isn't working, so whenever I get a chance to go to a wifi spot, I'll get here. Things havent been too good lately, although, in the last four days all I've eaten is a bag of caramel hard candies, gum, gum, gum, and one healthy choice frozen meal. I was finally losing the weight and over the weekend I fucked it up again. I jsut ate and ate.
Recently, for like three days straight, I was purging EVERYTHING I ate. no matter what it was. But all of a sudden, I physically couldn't do it. No matter how much I ate, or how fur I shoved my finger dopwn my fucking throat, it jsut wouldn't come. I could tell it was there and almost coming, but for a fucking hour I tried and tried and sliced my finger up nicely from my teeth. My throat is so painful. But it was worth it.
And, because I cannot do taht, well, i guess that means I cannot eat either. Yesterday the only reason I ate was because my landlords so to speak came over and make fat free vegatarian soup for me and it would have been rude not to. And today, I haven't eaten anything at all. I have been studying my ass off for this exam tomorrow. But, gotta go cuz I ahve to be home. Love ya.
XXX
Recently, for like three days straight, I was purging EVERYTHING I ate. no matter what it was. But all of a sudden, I physically couldn't do it. No matter how much I ate, or how fur I shoved my finger dopwn my fucking throat, it jsut wouldn't come. I could tell it was there and almost coming, but for a fucking hour I tried and tried and sliced my finger up nicely from my teeth. My throat is so painful. But it was worth it.
And, because I cannot do taht, well, i guess that means I cannot eat either. Yesterday the only reason I ate was because my landlords so to speak came over and make fat free vegatarian soup for me and it would have been rude not to. And today, I haven't eaten anything at all. I have been studying my ass off for this exam tomorrow. But, gotta go cuz I ahve to be home. Love ya.
XXX
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