CW(6pm): 105.4

Today: Total(250)
Coffee
More coffee
Applesauce(120)
Cream Corn(100)
SF Creamsicle(20)
SF Popsicle(10)

I feel like there are different calories. I know it's not neccesarily the calories, but more what ELSE is in it. carbs, fat, sodium, ect. But, I could 250 cals of the above, and lose a pound a day, whereas I can have 200 cals of a frozen dinner and not lose as much. I felt pretty good after the second set of 50 jumping jacks/55 crunches. I shall do more before I go to sleep - which will be quite soon as I for somereason have been up since 7...

Sorry I've been posting a lot of stupid shit, I'M JUST SO BORED! and it passes the time...

My Blue Heaven

Been rereading my actual journal. It's actually quite an inspiration. Since getting my tongue pierced, I have lost 3 lbs as of this morning (106.0). I haven't weighed myself since then. once the aid leaves my house, I am going to weigh-in and shower.
150 jumping jack
60 crunches
50 leglifts on each leg
Stretches
Cream corn(100)
Applesauce(120)
After I ate, around 230p, I felt horrible. Like I had gained five pounds from the corn. One hour to go... and I will know. I really want to go to the gym, but with my not having a job, and the price of gas, I really can't afford to drive to campus on days I really don't need to be driving anywhere... SO cannot wait to get home, lay my carpet out, and set up my treadmill. It will be wonderful. Run in the morning, walk for a bit at night. :)

I'm not sure, really what to do about the whole laxative thing. The last time I took them was tuesday night. I'm not sure if I should maybe taker 1-2, once a week, or what. I just DON'T KNOW! I just feel if I take them, then I will want to continue taking them... Honestly, I think if I had insurance, I would probably go to the dorctors. Not to recover, just to check and see if I have done any real damage. But, alas, I do not. Help?

I Feel You There

CW(9pm): 106.8

Today's Intake:
Banana Baby food (145)
4 oz. applesauce (90)
2 sugar free creamsicles (40)
Lots of coffee (0)
Total: 275!!

As I was eating my creamsicles, I felt the familiar urge to binge. However, I can't, so it was a moot point. Hopefully by the time my two weeks are up, I will have at least somewhat broken the b/p cycle at least a little bit. It takes 21 days to break a habbit. How about a mentally appealing bad habbit? Does that still apply? Let's hope so.

The farmer's market will finally be open by the time I get to go home. A friend of mine suggested we walk there. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this, due to the fact that its probably about a 5+ mile walk from her house. Longer from mine. I could definitely see driving partially there and walking the last 2 miles. That would probably be about 600 calories, both ways combined!

I was going to take jsut one lax tonight, but I decided not to. I just feel like if I do, I will want to do it again the next night and the next and nextandnextandnext. I've gone three days so far. Hopefully, this works. I decided (tmi) since I did manage to go a bit on my own, I can continue for at least one more day. Just one day at a time.

I'm going crazy without a job. The subway by my uni took me off the schedule. When I returned from this past break, I would have been working until the 9th, about 2 weeks, a few days shy. It went like this:

Me: Hey, I was just wondering if I work on Wednesday, cuz I need to know what time to leave my house to come back.
Manager: Nope, you do not work on Wednesday.
Me: Oh, ok. Well, could you tell me when's the next time I work...?
Manager: Actually, I didn't put you on this week's schedule, because you were only going to be here for the one week.
Me: Oh... umm. Ok then. Bye.

She wasn't even going to tell me that I no longer worked there. Then, I went into work today to visit a co-worker who I started to become friends with, and he said he heard it was because I took a few days off before I left (which ended up me not being able to work customer appreciation day - a crazy busy buy one get one day for subways) and she got pissed or whatevs and decided not to have me work there any longer. I was pretty pissed. I got gyped out of about $300. Luckily I have enough money in the bank for gas and such, or I would have been utterly screwed.

Pretty sleepy now. though it's only 11pm. Gym tomorrow! hope it goes well.

Survey

Age: 19
Height: 5’4”
Weight: 107.0
Dress Size: 0
Highest Weight: 122 lbs.
Lowest Weight (at height): 96 lbs
Goal Weight: 84 lbs
Favorite Diet Food: fruit (pears, apples, grapefruit, grapes, plums, ect), soup,
Favorite Binge Food: pasta, pizza, breads, cereal.
Favorite Exercise: running, jumping jacks, JM workout DVD,
Favorite Thinspo: tiny legs with gaps, hip bones, flat tummy, real girls, before and after
Where Do You Slip Up: when I go home after being gone for a crazy long time. When I do really well out with friends, then they go home and I am alone, I feel they might not come back. Just alone.


When Did It Start?
Hating your body: about a year and a half ago? I was never conscious of my body before, really. Except when friends would pick on my ‘huge butt’
Restricting/counting: about a year and a half.
Does Anyone Know: one person
You Want Help: no.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: I try to stay below 500, right now, though, and for the next two weeks until I leave college, I am on a not solid baby food diet.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: ‘a lil tummy that sticks out’ huge thighs, squishy, an ass
Are You In A Relationship: nope
Are You Depressed: yes
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: no
Ever Been To A Psychologist: yes

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[I am exactly] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[to remove scars] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.


FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.


EMBARRASSMENT -
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[x] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[x] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.


BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x recovering x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[kinda] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[xxxxx] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[xx] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

NeglectfulBadStupidFatBitch

I could start off with saying 'I just don't know what happened,' but in a way, that would be a complete and utter lie. I went home weighing 104.4. Came back weighing 108.8. I comfort myself slightly with the mantra, 'you did not take lax last night, you did not take lax last night, and that has something to do with the gain. even if it IS jsut a little bit.' This is still a slight lie. I was eating like a 'regular' person pretty much would. For me, that is fucking nasty and wayy too much. All my progress has gone down the fucking toilet.

I hadn't been updating as much, because I no longer have internet at my house, so it is hard. I did, however, get offered the managemnet position at work, and I think I may take it.

As a last ditch attempt, I got my tongue pierced.. again. It has been 24 hours since I intook anything other than a few sips of water here and there, some advil and tylenol. It hurts to enev MOVE my tongue, let alone eat anything. It hurts worse than my others, because it is two side by side, going through the muscle. Oh how it hurts. But it will be worth it all in the end. Whether they stay in or not.

I haven't gone to class all week. I jsut can't. I have one more week, then just a 'week' of tests. And then I can finally leave this place forever. and Ever. It seems unreal. Like, it is so close, and when it finally comes to be, someone is going to jump out at me and scream 'PSYCH' it was just all a great joke, no one wants you back, you don't get to go home. You made the mistake of coming here when everyone told you it was a bad idea, and this is what you get for not listening. I should have dropped out in the beginning when I wanted to. It served no purpose to stay here and practically flunk out of college while simultaneously digging myself a deeper and deeper grave.

the only semi-good thing I can say is that I didn't take any laxatives last night. I think I will not take any tonight either. Then take just 1 the following night. And try doing it that way, hopefully I can wean myself off them that way.

My plan, also, is until I go home, I am going to be having only baby food, bananas, applesauce, and popsicles.

Discovery Me

ME: SO, what're you going to school for next year, anyway??
Friend: history education and eventually i want my masters in psych..
ME: cool beans. that was what i was passionate about but i dont wanna be a teacher, but i like history. but i also am fascinated my eating disorders (xD) so imma do psych and then focus on that..
Friend: haha im glad youre admitting to having one, thats the first step. but i think that would be good for you, even before you told me thats what i was thinking..
ME:i meant 'by' not 'my' lol..
Friend:yeah yeah, it shouldve said by my* because youre a skinny mini who needs a fucking cheese burger..

This is the conversation I had with a friend on FB last night. I just brushed it off and changed the conversation, but it scares me. I though I had been relatively apathetic towards my eating when it came to others, but the more I see, I realize many people had suspected. Or jsut accepted it without actual confirmation or talking to me about it... When I found out one of my other friends just assumed that I had ED, she just said, 'yea, I kinda knew. At least you're not super skinny like real ones.'
My heart just fell.

Negative

The best I can say for the past four days is I didn't gain. SW:105.4. This morning CW: 105.4.

Today:
wake up, cafe (30).
Drove to campus, use treadmill (-250)
Then at 1pm - Salad(french blend, 13; FF Dressing, 30)= (43)
5pm - Apple (80)
Ricecake(40) with jam(10)
Total: 203
Treadmill: -250
Net Total: -47

That is actually SO much food. This way, I can eat a couple times, rather than making myself wait until afternoon and wanted a shit ton of sweets.

This was not what I wanted for today, to just not have gained... Because of this, I am going to motivate myself even more, especially when I get to finally move back home. |I am going to buy a treadmill.| Simple as that. I am looking at a few different ones. I figure I am going to go to Sports Authority and Dick's Sporting when I finally go home on Wednesday. With the warrantee and tax, my max is going to be 700. Prefferably 600. I figure it is for a good cause though. :) Time for that salad... I'm so scared to eat it. But I WILL have control today! I will.

Those In Glass Houses

Why didn't I think of this before?!?! I went to the gym again today, (-220). It is soo much better now. I barely feel the urge to eat anymore. Before, I would have to pass through the kitchen to go to the basement to do laundry, and I would find myself rooting in the fridge for some cookies. they weren't even GOOD cookies, they were just there and crunchy and whatever, but now, I don't even really want them. Why eat them. 2 cookies would mean twenty-five minutes on the treadmill. No thanks. I realize now, I was 'confusing' boredom for hunger. Not anymore.

I talked to my professor, and rearranged my testing schedule, so instead of going home on the 17th of May, I will not be going home on the 13th! The trade-off for this, however, is on the 11th I have my stats test 8-10, then my English final 1010-12. Then I have a test on the 9th during the scheduled class time, as well as my History final on the 13th 2-4. Then I will finally be able to go home. I can't believe it. 30 days. That is all. That is nothing. Simple. My GW for the day I go home, as of right now, is 95, but surely that will be modified as I lose more weight. We shall see my progress.

To distract myself from boredom, I have been walking to Dunkin Donuts, getting a coffee. Making pretty tables and charts to keep me on track. I was knitting, but I ran out of yarn... Randomly organizing and reorganizing my room.

I feel like a cop-out. I got Maderma for the worse of my scars. It's not that I am ashamed of them. I do not want to get rid of them. However, as of late, I will wake up in the middle of the night because they hurt and itch so bad. I am hoping with the Maderma, once the scars get a bit smaller, they won't hurt as bad. Hopefully.

Plan 15698531

Today was actually quite a good day. Yesterday morning, when I stepped on the scale and saw a significant gain, I flipped. I went to the store and bought new running shoes - this way, I feel obligated to run no matter what because I spent money on them.

Today, I had a presentation and felt like this one kid, who was smirking and whispering throughout my presentaion, was laughing at me so I started hyperventilating and shaking, so I just said that was it, and sat down. My professor wasn't very understanding and gave me a 75 overall on my paper and presentaion...

Because of that, I was more upset. When I went back to my house to get my gym clothes, I had three cookies, purged, and promised to run extra when I got to the gym.

Gym:
Treadmill, 30 miutes - 235 cals
Workout DVD - 120

My net calories for the day was 350. Not too bad, considering, I suppose.

One week from tomorrow, I go home. I need to loose at least 3 lbs by then. That's all I ask for, please please PLEASE!

|~~~|


I can't stand this body anymore, this fat. The swollen glands from purging. The aches in my teeth. I am getting better at control. My weight gain was the result of one very painful day.

Many things had gone very badly, I ate Subway. When I got home, I tried to purge. After about ten minutes, my throat felt like it was on fire and ripping to shred. After I gave up and was weak, my stomach continued to try to rid itself of its contents. I was continuously burping, and at one point I did purge a bit of it involuntarily, but the rest just couldn't come up. I was so very scared. Lieing in bed that night, my heart felt like it was running a marathon. I was up until 5am because I was scared to sleep. I was not tired. I was just scared. Terrified of the number to come the next day. 105.8 (yesterday morning). I almost died of shame. As of tonight, I was 104.8. It CAN be done.
I am going to have a salad with dressing and cucumber (41), yogurt(100), coffee with cafe(70). I will also be going to the gym daily after my class to use the treadmill (-200 to -250). Things will be better.

To distract myself today, I made a fancy-looking chart to track my daily food and exercise as well as weekly weight loss. I figure it will be more motivation with it displayed on my wall for me to see every day.

The Crow & The Butterfly

You built me up, just to break me down. What is even more is that I knew it was coming. I chose to push it away and pull you closer – pushing myself further and further away. Until I almost lost myself. Now that I have myself back, I can’t let go of what I did. What you did. What they have all done and will do. I will burn in my own arms. Because of the past, I cannot let anything more break me down; to do so would be to lose myself for good, never to return to the real world. The world where the crow catches the butterfly, hearts are broken time and time again, and happiness is just a prelude to the ethereal pain of what is to be. There is no escaping what I have done, but I cannot taste it anymore. It was so close to me that I buried it alive, under layers of lies. I couldn’t face a broken heart and empty arms; choosing instead a story of black and white monotones that lead to nowhere but the never-ending trek across the insides of us all. The tragedy that makes my farewell a final greeting, embrace the pain I/you/me/we caused that one blind summer that I gave everything up to be with you only to get false glances, and then, when it was too late. It all came crashing down around me. When finally the dust cleared from the rubble of fallen expectations you were nowhere to be found.

Sophie

Something trivial I just wrote... I don't know why. It just, sometimes things pout into my head and I have to write them down.


Sophie.

Just to fit in, she starved herself. Just to fit in. Her life has become one excuse after another. Punishment after punishment. Every morsel that passes her lips brought with it terrified eyes and calculating numbers. How many miles to burn this off? That? How long on the treadmill? These questions were always answered before the food had even been chewed. To Sophie, food was not life. Food was not energy required by the body. It was a weakness of the flesh - a thing to ne overcome. If you are strong enough to resist, you will be rewarded. The greatest reward of all. Frail. Thin. Finally.

What no one tells you is, you not only must be strong enough to resist, you must be strong enough to suffer the consequences until you are rewarded. Deal with the constant fear, the relentless guilt, and, ultimately, the solitude, because, no matter what, you are in this alone. It doesn't matter who knows, who you tell. They cannot possibly understand. You are not like them. You are other. Something Else. What that is exactly, you will only know when you have finally reached it. So be strong. Fold into yourself; embrace the hole that gaped and oozes - the hole that was once your heart. It was too weak and would nut stand by while you transformed into what you almost are today. Something beautiful, to be admired.

And This Marks the Shift.

Today was not the best days, for sure. The weather was shitty so hey, why not make the day feel shitty as well eh? TO start off, in my Juvneile Justice class, we watched a video on Missouri juvenile corrections - group homes. Usually, I would have sat there and watched with interest. However, one of the boys divulged that he had been sexually abused by his father at a young age. His dad denied it and his grandma flat-out refused to belive him. I realized after about a minute that I had tears falling down my face as I stared blankly at the screen. I quickly brushed them away, grabbed my phone and deliberately ignored the rest of the movie. As soon as class was dismissed, I was out of there. Someone touched my shoulder as I made my escape, but I ignored them and just walked faster, practically floating down the stairs and out the door. When I finally pulled into my driveway and turned off my car, all was silent. As I sat there with the clouds rolling in, I let my mind escape and go where it pleased. I couldn't help but feel in the same boat as the boy in the movie. I had told someone, and it was written off as a dream - that I must have just been mad at him for something and maybe I just remember getting a bath. Afterwards, we never spoke of it again. Lock it up and do NOT think about it again. Don't even think about thinking about it. The detective did not even take me seriously. I was just another 'goth misunderstood youth' looking for some attention.

I got home from work tonight. I had brought with me a bag of Doritos. My weakness. Chips. I had not felt any real emotion all day, so I knew this was going to be bad. I made a milkshake to help get it all up. Ice cream is good that way. Makes it easier. I ate my chips and drank my shake. Before I had left for work, I had had a veggie english muffin as well. After finishing those off, I was already pretty full on account of the milkshake. I made my way downstair where, in a haze, I grabbed a light english muffin, light jam, and peabutter. While I teffiryingly awaited my muffin to taost, I munched on a few crackers and a gingerbread man. I was full to bursting by the time I was finished. Grabbing my toilettries and laptop - to record and later punish myself by reliving it - and quietly slid the deadbolt into place. Shower to full blast to freeze. Record. Shut down and begin. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Finally, no more is able to leak out. My stomach is groaning in empty protest as it tries to appease my pestering fingers. When I was sure there was nothing left, and I was on the verge of practically throwing up my own stomach - although that would be a few pounds (joking... mostly), I finally accepted that I had dome what I could. After showering, I force down three laxatives. Tomorrow is a new day. And hopefully a better one.

My mom calls. We talk about a friends pregnancy. She has recently lost weight and her doctors are.concerned. Eventually, I make the comparison to my beautifully this sister. Turns out sneak weighs 96 pounds. My LE. This sparks in me a new fire. New motivation. If sneak can do that without even trying, I can do it, surely, if I try. I cam and AM stronger than this. I have to be...

Once again, I can feel my eyes attempting to leak. To cry. Release this pain and ache that I am forever attached to that is my body. If I cannot escape it, I WILL fix it. No more excuses. I know I nave said this in the past, but if I am so tired of being alone and being scared, why am I not doing anything about it? Because I am scared. Try harder. They should not be the equivalents of your CW and she your LW. Unacceptable to the max.

And this marks the shift.