I am so happy. I wasn't able to get to a scale yesterday so I was all worried that I had gained weight. When I got on the scale today, I was down to 100.8!!!! perhaps I will start doing that randomly - not weighing myself and just super restricting on those days.
Also, very sunny -- this guy I used to, well, still kinda do, have a crush on (i've smoked with him a couple times, hung out) apparently likes me. I even made a facebook yesterday. I really have no reason to be on there really, except I wanted to get in touch with some people... okay, okay, in touch with him. But, we were supposed to meet up today at the feild days and I ended up getting called into work. Hopefully, I'll be able to hang out with him soon. :)
Haven'y eaten anything yet today. Just had my morning cup of coffee as usual.
XX
31 May 2010
30 May 2010
Epic Fail
Yesterday was a failure. I have been doing really good as of late. Not eating very much. No breakfast except coffee, something small and fat free for lunch. And just a yogurt or small fruit for dinner. Then, yesterday, I worked with one of my friends and she always eats SO much. And the bad part is, she always wants me to make it for her becasue she asys that I make it well, but then, she always wants me to eat with her. Yesterday, I ate a smaller half of a persoanl viggie pizza (at Subway). That was at 1930h and I still feel gross at 955h the next morning. UGH!!
Luckily, I work a ten hour shift today with people that don't often eat at work. Yay :)
And Dunkin Donuts gives us free coffee so we are all goo-ood. Lotsa fat free coffee to fill up my tummy. YAY. Well, gotta go to work, but I am going to blog more. I don'y know who I am talking to though, because I don't really expect any followers. Even though that would be cool, jsut won't get my hopes up, ya know?
XX
Luckily, I work a ten hour shift today with people that don't often eat at work. Yay :)
And Dunkin Donuts gives us free coffee so we are all goo-ood. Lotsa fat free coffee to fill up my tummy. YAY. Well, gotta go to work, but I am going to blog more. I don'y know who I am talking to though, because I don't really expect any followers. Even though that would be cool, jsut won't get my hopes up, ya know?
XX
29 May 2010
Dear Lovely
Dear Lovely,
I know you know you think you are on to something, but I would be helped so much more if you would just leave it be. So, what? You think that just by asking me if I am anorexic or even remotely anything along those lines, that I am going to just simply jump up and shout 'Oh, why, YES! How could I have not known. Now everything is so much better!!' Fuck. That.
Just leave it be. there is nothing wrong here. I should know when and even if I am too skinny. I love you, but there is nothing to fix here, so, please, stop trying. I will be leaving soon and will be away form everyone. I cannot wait!
Love Always
sAm
I know you know you think you are on to something, but I would be helped so much more if you would just leave it be. So, what? You think that just by asking me if I am anorexic or even remotely anything along those lines, that I am going to just simply jump up and shout 'Oh, why, YES! How could I have not known. Now everything is so much better!!' Fuck. That.
Just leave it be. there is nothing wrong here. I should know when and even if I am too skinny. I love you, but there is nothing to fix here, so, please, stop trying. I will be leaving soon and will be away form everyone. I cannot wait!
Love Always
sAm
21 May 2010
Uh-Oh Physical
Well, I have a physical tomorrow morning for college. My doctor is alreqdy suspicious, as, I think, I mentioned before. Cannot remember. But what is she going to think when she sees that I have lost more weight? It makes me happy, but I KNOW that she will not understand. I'm just not as hungry as most people are. I don't need as much. Perhaps if I down a LOT of water right before. And some coffee, of course. Cannot keep going without that...
20 May 2010
Almost Sly
My therapist, I think, might be 'on to me' as some would put it. I was talking to her about how many calories and fat is in a cookie, because she offered me one, and I just went off about how bad it was and how bad it would make me feel if I were to eat it. Luckily, though, my session ended and I go tto leave. and there;s only a few more weeks of school and then I won't be able to see her anymore because I am graduating. But, I don;t really want to think about that, because I have been seeing her since eighth grade - when I began cutting... Crap, someone's here. Write more later. :)
15 May 2010
Coffee Coffee Coffee and Espresso Shots at IHOP
Breakfast
Lunch:
Coffee with 1% milk and 2 tsp. sugar
Small bowl of raisin bran with 1% milk
Dinner:
XL Coffee from DD
1 Packet Strawberries & Cream oatmeal
Today I was worried all day because I wasn't home this morning so I wasn't able to weigh myself on my own scale. I used my freinds and it said 100 (not digital, so thats about as close as I could figure), but I don't know just how accurate her scale is so yea...
Friday (yesterday) was my prom. It was pretty good i guess. Certainly not the 'amazing night' everyone makes it out to be that's for sure. It was fun, just not amazing. I had a better time at IHOP after prom. We got there at like 2 in the morning. The waiter was mad flirting with me. That is where the espresso shots come in. We did them together, but mine ended up half espresso half coffee. Ha. I'm a horrible cheater. Even though its kind of far away, next time I;m in the area, I will certainly be going back. It was kind of difficult at IHOP though, with at the fat foods. I ended up getting a crepe with banana and very little nuttella[sp?]. No whip cream of course.
I was quite happy though, I didn't eat and junk food today or fatty foods, so that's just awesome of course. By the end of the week I vow to be down to AT LEAST 99.
And, by the way, my dress was not as loose as when I tried it on from getting fitted, so thats an improvement too. And I danced ALOT. good bye some calories.
Lunch:
Coffee with 1% milk and 2 tsp. sugar
Small bowl of raisin bran with 1% milk
Dinner:
XL Coffee from DD
1 Packet Strawberries & Cream oatmeal
Today I was worried all day because I wasn't home this morning so I wasn't able to weigh myself on my own scale. I used my freinds and it said 100 (not digital, so thats about as close as I could figure), but I don't know just how accurate her scale is so yea...
Friday (yesterday) was my prom. It was pretty good i guess. Certainly not the 'amazing night' everyone makes it out to be that's for sure. It was fun, just not amazing. I had a better time at IHOP after prom. We got there at like 2 in the morning. The waiter was mad flirting with me. That is where the espresso shots come in. We did them together, but mine ended up half espresso half coffee. Ha. I'm a horrible cheater. Even though its kind of far away, next time I;m in the area, I will certainly be going back. It was kind of difficult at IHOP though, with at the fat foods. I ended up getting a crepe with banana and very little nuttella[sp?]. No whip cream of course.
I was quite happy though, I didn't eat and junk food today or fatty foods, so that's just awesome of course. By the end of the week I vow to be down to AT LEAST 99.
And, by the way, my dress was not as loose as when I tried it on from getting fitted, so thats an improvement too. And I danced ALOT. good bye some calories.
12 May 2010
Here it is For you To See...
Today, I did so very well. Here is what I ate all day:
Breakfast:
Coffee with lite cream and 2 tsp sugar.
Lunch:
1/2 Veggie Sandwich (1 piece bread total)
Dinner:
Apple
Coffee with lite cream and 2 tsp. sugar
My weight, sadly, was up to 102.8 this morning so I also exercised for two total hours today to burn off that cupcake that was forced upon me yesterday. It was my brother's birthday and was quite pressured to eat one and so as not to arouse suspition, I ATE IT! I am a pig and should have tried to get out of it harder. Soon, though, I will be going away to college and will not have to worry about people noticing what I eat.
I have devised a plan to goet them off my backs though. I make sure that I get something to 'eat' and bring it in my room. Then, becasue I always get food that is not going to go bad or anything, just keep it in my room until I get home from work, when everyone is sleeping and put it back.
Friday is my senior prom and hopefully my dress is loose. My tailor did it a week ago and when I tried it on, it was a big snug. I felt so discusting and fat. I'll let you know (if there really is anyone actually reading this, which would be pretty cool I guess) how that goes. Especially the dinner part. And my attemp at putting make-up on and making my hair look super niice.
I have been reading Wasted, by Marya Hornbacher. An awesome book by the way. Whenever I am feeling weak, I read more and more of the book, over and over again if I have to even. It has really helped me. Although not in the way that it was intended. :)
Breakfast:
Coffee with lite cream and 2 tsp sugar.
Lunch:
1/2 Veggie Sandwich (1 piece bread total)
Dinner:
Apple
Coffee with lite cream and 2 tsp. sugar
My weight, sadly, was up to 102.8 this morning so I also exercised for two total hours today to burn off that cupcake that was forced upon me yesterday. It was my brother's birthday and was quite pressured to eat one and so as not to arouse suspition, I ATE IT! I am a pig and should have tried to get out of it harder. Soon, though, I will be going away to college and will not have to worry about people noticing what I eat.
I have devised a plan to goet them off my backs though. I make sure that I get something to 'eat' and bring it in my room. Then, becasue I always get food that is not going to go bad or anything, just keep it in my room until I get home from work, when everyone is sleeping and put it back.
Friday is my senior prom and hopefully my dress is loose. My tailor did it a week ago and when I tried it on, it was a big snug. I felt so discusting and fat. I'll let you know (if there really is anyone actually reading this, which would be pretty cool I guess) how that goes. Especially the dinner part. And my attemp at putting make-up on and making my hair look super niice.
I have been reading Wasted, by Marya Hornbacher. An awesome book by the way. Whenever I am feeling weak, I read more and more of the book, over and over again if I have to even. It has really helped me. Although not in the way that it was intended. :)
09 May 2010
Why Can I Not Forget Him??
SO, today, I was working and my ex came in. He isn't just an ex though- he was my first boyfriend. The story with him is as follows:
He saw me in the hallway and it took him 3 weeks to figure out who I was. When he did, we started talking, then dated for a shprt while, then jumped into the relationship phase, so to speak. (The thing with that, is,m I tend to do that more foten than not. jump right into things i mean, I know it's not good for me, but tha's just what happens)He was pushy, and kind of mean in the way that he was always telling me that he had all these other girlfriends and everything. He told me we should 'take a break' essentially because I wouldn't sleep with him or give him head. Then, we didn't talk for five months and then he reandomly texted me and we kind of got together again, then I realized he was seeing a 15 year old, even though I had specifically asked him if he was seeing anyone else. He even told me he loved me. I never said it back, but that's not entirely my point. So i broke up with him, and today, in he walks. I don't want to have feelings for him. And I thought I didn't. I was sure I didn't. But seeing him today, we were being civil and he was being nice. and I was smiling, even though I was trying not to. I don;t like that he has that effect on me. It doesn't make any sense that I should have feelings for him. He broke my heart and hurt me in so many ways. It doesn;t make any sense!
On a better note though, I have gotten down to 100.7 a new low for me - which is awesome. I'm that close to getting thin finally. I noticed that I have discusting love handles. Everyone envies me for not having them, but I see them and they are nasty. I DON'T even want to look at myself anymore. It hurts that I feel I am losing everyone. I can't tell them about my body or my emotions. Npt even him. I just don't know what I should do, it's just so confusing and it doesn't make any sense.
Breakfast:
Coffee w/lite cream and 1.5 tsp. sugar
Lunch:
Raisin Bran with milk
Dinner:
One stuffed shell ( I had to go to dinner and had to eat a little bit just to show them. I felt horrible. All those calories and cheese. It doesn't bellong inside me. Nothing does.)
Chef garden salad, no dressing (had lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, spinach)
He saw me in the hallway and it took him 3 weeks to figure out who I was. When he did, we started talking, then dated for a shprt while, then jumped into the relationship phase, so to speak. (The thing with that, is,m I tend to do that more foten than not. jump right into things i mean, I know it's not good for me, but tha's just what happens)He was pushy, and kind of mean in the way that he was always telling me that he had all these other girlfriends and everything. He told me we should 'take a break' essentially because I wouldn't sleep with him or give him head. Then, we didn't talk for five months and then he reandomly texted me and we kind of got together again, then I realized he was seeing a 15 year old, even though I had specifically asked him if he was seeing anyone else. He even told me he loved me. I never said it back, but that's not entirely my point. So i broke up with him, and today, in he walks. I don't want to have feelings for him. And I thought I didn't. I was sure I didn't. But seeing him today, we were being civil and he was being nice. and I was smiling, even though I was trying not to. I don;t like that he has that effect on me. It doesn't make any sense that I should have feelings for him. He broke my heart and hurt me in so many ways. It doesn;t make any sense!
On a better note though, I have gotten down to 100.7 a new low for me - which is awesome. I'm that close to getting thin finally. I noticed that I have discusting love handles. Everyone envies me for not having them, but I see them and they are nasty. I DON'T even want to look at myself anymore. It hurts that I feel I am losing everyone. I can't tell them about my body or my emotions. Npt even him. I just don't know what I should do, it's just so confusing and it doesn't make any sense.
Breakfast:
Coffee w/lite cream and 1.5 tsp. sugar
Lunch:
Raisin Bran with milk
Dinner:
One stuffed shell ( I had to go to dinner and had to eat a little bit just to show them. I felt horrible. All those calories and cheese. It doesn't bellong inside me. Nothing does.)
Chef garden salad, no dressing (had lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, spinach)
03 May 2010
Today was horrible. I was at work, and when I was wrapping cookies, I found myself reaching out and grabbing a chocolate chip cookie from the tray. After I ate it, I felt horrible. The entire time I was eating and chewing it - ugh! the thought of this is making me sick - I was thinking 'I shouldn't be eating this. My thighs are fucking huge.' Even though I am a tmy lowest since my mad crazy weekend and unthinkable hangover, it still isn't enough.
When I had that hangover, I did'nt eat anything for a little over a day and a half. I had managed to get down to 101.9 then. This morning when I weighed myself, I was down to 101.2!!
Today's Intake:
Coffee with light cream and little sugar
Morning Star Boca Patty w. small ketchup and one piece of wheat bread. 250 cal
Kid's size Subway Sub. 300 cal
Chocolate Chip Cookie. Too Many Cal
This is more calories than I have eaten in almost two weeks. I feel discusting and, even though I am too ckicken shit to actually do it, I was sososo tempted to try to throw up at work today after I ate that sub.. Tomorrow I will make up for it
Tomorrow:
Breakfast
Coffee with light cream and sugar.
Lunch
Lipton Cup of Soup 90 cal
Snack/Dinner
Pear 80 cal
Ten grapes 15 cal
Last night I logged onto the internet, and my ex and i ended up actually talking. He was really clingy and I felt bad because we used to be really good friends. I can tell that he wants to try and make it work again, but I know that is definitely a VERY bad idea. I'm not sure hif I regret talking to him or not. Was it a mistake to make him seem like I am still ven remotely interested in him? I think probably, yes.
When I had that hangover, I did'nt eat anything for a little over a day and a half. I had managed to get down to 101.9 then. This morning when I weighed myself, I was down to 101.2!!
Today's Intake:
Coffee with light cream and little sugar
Morning Star Boca Patty w. small ketchup and one piece of wheat bread. 250 cal
Kid's size Subway Sub. 300 cal
Chocolate Chip Cookie. Too Many Cal
This is more calories than I have eaten in almost two weeks. I feel discusting and, even though I am too ckicken shit to actually do it, I was sososo tempted to try to throw up at work today after I ate that sub.. Tomorrow I will make up for it
Tomorrow:
Breakfast
Coffee with light cream and sugar.
Lunch
Lipton Cup of Soup 90 cal
Snack/Dinner
Pear 80 cal
Ten grapes 15 cal
Last night I logged onto the internet, and my ex and i ended up actually talking. He was really clingy and I felt bad because we used to be really good friends. I can tell that he wants to try and make it work again, but I know that is definitely a VERY bad idea. I'm not sure hif I regret talking to him or not. Was it a mistake to make him seem like I am still ven remotely interested in him? I think probably, yes.
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