Hello Goodbye

In less than two hours I will be heavily sedated. When I wake up, my wisdom teeth will be gone and in Thor place a lot of pain.

I have good news and I have bad news. I am vegan no more. I do see the reasons for it but being vegan has me binging like crazy. I used to eat say, a yogurt and 60 calories of a healthy choice meal. Being vegan, I couldn't do that as well. So now it is back to strict restricting. I have to get down to 98 by next Friday. Definitely doable. I did not bring mg scale back home with me, regrettably. When I left yesterday, I was back the fuck all the way to 103.4. It is so hard for me to see hhat number. It is a discusting fat number. 5 pounds in 7 days. Definitely.

A friend of mine, Kristiin was going to go with me today, but she set her alarm wrong so I told her just to. Not worry about it.

Wish me luck! Love yous

XXX

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Bleed For You

As I have mentioned, I believe, Friday I am getting my wisdom teeth out. I was really worried about the cuts on my arms... I just talked to them and they said that I would have to have my arms exposed because I am getting an IV to put me under. I don't know waht I am going to do. This morning I cut my lower arms three times really bad. I don't know what to do about it. Obviously, they are going to see them. I am thinking I will wear arm warmers to hide the new ones on my lower arms and not worry too much about the scars on my upper. I will also have to make sure I tell the doctor that because I am 19, they are bound by confidentiality and not to tell my mom. OH I'm so scared.

On another point, I am back up to 102. Laxatives...

Monday I took 6. The next morning I took nine more. Then last night I took 9 more. I couldn't purge and I binged bad. I had:
6" veggie sub, dry
Over the course of the day I ate an entire box of Fiber one cereal with ff almond milk.
6 Veggie Bites

I couldn't purge it all for some reason. So when I got back from class today I took 9 laxatives.

My cuts this morning actually kind of scared me. I was doing them really quick so they didn't hurt as bad but they were deeper and bled so much more.I had to go to class with a hand toel wrapped around my arm under my coat because it wouldn't stop bleeding enough until an hour later. They will be so pretty when they heal though.

After this weekend, hopefully I won't be so dependent upon lax. I wont be able to eat anything for two and a half days, and then after that I will only be able to eat vegan pudding, applesauce and water. I am going to do that for one week, I think. You are supposed to not eat or drink anything for twelve hours beforehand. I am going to, starting tomorrow, 24 hours before, not eat anything, and just have water and tea. Then, after 7pm, not have anything else. And I believe afterwards, you cant eat or drink anything for a while either so it'll be all good.

Now Hit Repeat

First Day of Classes.
Don't know why I made such a big deal. It was the same as it always was. Just different profs. I would say the same, just different people, too, but they don't count. I didn't talk to anyone except Josh in Juvenile Justice, and after I left Statistical Psych I saw Justin. But that is it. The rest of the day, the only other person I actually spoke to in person was Wendy, my new housemate, and I went to the mall with Mel to kill a couple hours. I put on my 'Fuck off, Oh damn, please don't see me, just pretend I don't exist' Face. It would be niice to be noticed, but... I suppose the best way to put it, is I don't trust these people. I don't want to get to know a bunch of people and then leave for good in May and never see them again.

I have to go back home to get my wisdom teeth removed. Apparently, because of my dentist, I have to get them done back where I live rather than here at school. And I will probably have to miss a day or two of classes becasue my insurance runs out 1 February so whenever i will be able to get in, is when I will have to go or else I won't be able to get it done.

One good thing about that, though, is I cannot eat for 24 hours before, not even water, and then I probab;y won't be able to eat, if at all, for at least a day or two after. The only bad thing about this is that I will have to make sure I don't cut on my forearms until then, because I don't know if I will have to have a needle in my arm or if it will go in my hand. I've never been under anestesia before... Gotta go to class though, or I'm going to be late.