Hello Goodbye

In less than two hours I will be heavily sedated. When I wake up, my wisdom teeth will be gone and in Thor place a lot of pain.

I have good news and I have bad news. I am vegan no more. I do see the reasons for it but being vegan has me binging like crazy. I used to eat say, a yogurt and 60 calories of a healthy choice meal. Being vegan, I couldn't do that as well. So now it is back to strict restricting. I have to get down to 98 by next Friday. Definitely doable. I did not bring mg scale back home with me, regrettably. When I left yesterday, I was back the fuck all the way to 103.4. It is so hard for me to see hhat number. It is a discusting fat number. 5 pounds in 7 days. Definitely.

A friend of mine, Kristiin was going to go with me today, but she set her alarm wrong so I told her just to. Not worry about it.

Wish me luck! Love yous

XXX

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False Advertising

I was right. It is easier to be alone than try to make something work that shouldn't couldn't wouldn't. There's this guy that works next door to me back home, he goes to a local uni by me and we went to the same high school, hes two years older than me. A really sweet guy. I say that with a slight scowl, however. I went on a date, I guess, with him tonight. We just went to the movies. At first, I thought it was going to be okay. I had that 'date' jitters or whatever. I was glad to be there. Although he's at least a foot taller than me. But anyways, a little while into the movie he put his hand on my knee. Before he did that, I was okay, I was all nervous and such like when you are on a first date, but the moment he touched me, I felt... I'm not sure the exact word, but dirty, cheap, a liar.
Tease. Fake. Closet. Fall.
I didn't do anything. Didn't really move to acknowledge that it was ok or not. just. sat. there. After the movie, I gave him a big hug. I have needed a hug for a long time. That is definitely true. Hugs can hold you together. They can squish everything back into place sometimes. However, afterwards he kissed me. Just a small peck, but still. I smiled, he said we would get together next week when I was feeling better from my teeth. I didn't really say anything and I got in my car. The second he drove away, everything ceased. Then the wave hit me. I felt so guilty. I kept thinking about what a horrible person I am. I should not be dating anyone, because I don't even know what I want and shouldn't bring anyone else down with me. I zoned out the entire drive home and even missed my exit. It took everything just to drive in my own lane straight.

Sorry about the pity post, it jsut helps for some reason.

Bleed For You

As I have mentioned, I believe, Friday I am getting my wisdom teeth out. I was really worried about the cuts on my arms... I just talked to them and they said that I would have to have my arms exposed because I am getting an IV to put me under. I don't know waht I am going to do. This morning I cut my lower arms three times really bad. I don't know what to do about it. Obviously, they are going to see them. I am thinking I will wear arm warmers to hide the new ones on my lower arms and not worry too much about the scars on my upper. I will also have to make sure I tell the doctor that because I am 19, they are bound by confidentiality and not to tell my mom. OH I'm so scared.

On another point, I am back up to 102. Laxatives...

Monday I took 6. The next morning I took nine more. Then last night I took 9 more. I couldn't purge and I binged bad. I had:
6" veggie sub, dry
Over the course of the day I ate an entire box of Fiber one cereal with ff almond milk.
6 Veggie Bites

I couldn't purge it all for some reason. So when I got back from class today I took 9 laxatives.

My cuts this morning actually kind of scared me. I was doing them really quick so they didn't hurt as bad but they were deeper and bled so much more.I had to go to class with a hand toel wrapped around my arm under my coat because it wouldn't stop bleeding enough until an hour later. They will be so pretty when they heal though.

After this weekend, hopefully I won't be so dependent upon lax. I wont be able to eat anything for two and a half days, and then after that I will only be able to eat vegan pudding, applesauce and water. I am going to do that for one week, I think. You are supposed to not eat or drink anything for twelve hours beforehand. I am going to, starting tomorrow, 24 hours before, not eat anything, and just have water and tea. Then, after 7pm, not have anything else. And I believe afterwards, you cant eat or drink anything for a while either so it'll be all good.

Garden Statement

I love you more than even I know. If that makes any sense. You are the only friend. ONLY. one that I have not pushed away. I have known you for so long and loved you just as well. You know everything there is to know about me.

Honestly, I am worried about myself as well. But not enough to really be worried worried. I managed to go two whole days off laxatives. I took 6 the day brfore yesterday and 9 last night. I am working on it though, and that is all I am asking for. I have yet to take any today, and tomorrow I am going to go buy frozen vegetables, because that way all I will be eating is lite soup and frozen veggies.

haha, I had what I think were three rum balls this morning. I think thats what they were anyway. My housemate left them for me and her. They were like, pb or something covered in chocolate. they had a lil hole in the top like someone stuck something in them and the idea of rum balls comes to mind. So... yea. But, I don't wanna keep taking lax cuz I havent felt that well lately. And I watched that docu on youtube, Thin, and it totally scared me. It didnt scared me, ED scared me. It lax scared me. In the end, it says one of the girls tried to commit suicide by od on diuretics! Holy shit I didn't know that could happen. So yea, I want to try and stay off them for a couple days. In order to do this, I am going to not weigh myself for a while. Okies, Imma go write all this in my blog. :) I just want you to know, I love you and you above all for the most part. I read this message from you and just started fucking crying. It just. I dont know, sometimes i see what others maybe see, but then a split second later, that part of me jumps up and sees what my head sees with different eyes. that is the best way i can explain it i guess. .

J sent me a message about my blog, and that was essentially what I told him. Every bit of it is true. Sometimes, I do think I am maybe OK looking, but for the most part, I see my stomach and my thighs and my fucking muffin top and it totally grosses me out. I wish I could just cut it off and be done with it. Like my chin. My double chin is discusting.

I should really be studying though so more tonight. Been going to bed well before midnight and getting up early. TTH I have an 8aam class and MWF is 9am.

Run Right Back In

Verse 1
I'm so tired of dreaming without falling asleep
I am a ghost town and no one's visiting me
I'm on the fast track to never existing at all
It's like riding a plane only hoping to fall
I'm so sick of the clothes that seem to be wearing me
out on the town, like I'm a heart on their sleeve
I'm on the fast track to never really learning to love
it's like holding your breath just to spite your lungs
Chorus
So tell me,
Can a ghost fall in love with an angel?
I see heaven in your eyes, your grays and blues bring me back to life
Verse 2
I'm a rainstorm coming down hard over head
but everybody is safe in their beds
I'm on the fast track to never really counting at all
but you have been here with me all along
Chorus
Bridge
Hello stranger I'm a mess
all hands on deck set sails for nervous wreck
Cast away, Cast away
Chorus

'Ghost Town' Jimmy Robbins

Lasted all of two whole days off laxatives... Then the day before yesterday, because the scale said 103.6, I took 6. That number was just far too unacceptable. Yesterday, I made a veggie patty sub for a customer and I just wanted it so bad. I almost brought one home with me. But instead, I ate probably ten pieces of raisin toast and three glasses of crystal light green tea. It was a very horrible day yesterday...

My car shifter has been being a pain, but I wasn't too concerned. But I left campus and my car started to smell weird. I rolled my window down and figured I would just go home and check under the hood. I got about a mile and my serpentine belt came off. I difficultly maneuvered my car to the cas station a bit ahead and called my uncle. I had to get three miles to Cole muffler. With a few stops in between. Thankfully, I didn't blow a head gasket... Cost me 200 bucks. And apparently there is more to be done when I get home next weekend. I don't know what I am going to do.. I can't afford this. And the car isn't even worth all this fucking repair. It just seems like things are not going as they shoud anymore

I took nine laxatives last night and as of this morning I am at least at 100.0. Due to that, I am going to just have liguids for a few days to get myself off the laxatives. I know that is somewhat stupid, just becasue I know that when I do eventually have solids again, I will feel horrible. That being said, I am keeping a new diary. Whenever I binge on something, it goes in the list of foods I am not allowed to have. Newest entry: Raisin Bread.

I have been looking up foods that will help me stop taking lax and I have found:

Spinach
Broccolli
Cauliflower
Grapes
Probiiotics (?)
ANYONE wanna inform me what that last one is, exactly. I see a lot of people say take supplements for fiber and whatnot, but I don't want to replace one with the other...

Now Hit Repeat

First Day of Classes.
Don't know why I made such a big deal. It was the same as it always was. Just different profs. I would say the same, just different people, too, but they don't count. I didn't talk to anyone except Josh in Juvenile Justice, and after I left Statistical Psych I saw Justin. But that is it. The rest of the day, the only other person I actually spoke to in person was Wendy, my new housemate, and I went to the mall with Mel to kill a couple hours. I put on my 'Fuck off, Oh damn, please don't see me, just pretend I don't exist' Face. It would be niice to be noticed, but... I suppose the best way to put it, is I don't trust these people. I don't want to get to know a bunch of people and then leave for good in May and never see them again.

I have to go back home to get my wisdom teeth removed. Apparently, because of my dentist, I have to get them done back where I live rather than here at school. And I will probably have to miss a day or two of classes becasue my insurance runs out 1 February so whenever i will be able to get in, is when I will have to go or else I won't be able to get it done.

One good thing about that, though, is I cannot eat for 24 hours before, not even water, and then I probab;y won't be able to eat, if at all, for at least a day or two after. The only bad thing about this is that I will have to make sure I don't cut on my forearms until then, because I don't know if I will have to have a needle in my arm or if it will go in my hand. I've never been under anestesia before... Gotta go to class though, or I'm going to be late.

Heavy Hangs the Albatross

So, no more food is allowed 'open' in my room. No snack-like things anyway. Last night, I was doing so well. I ate:

10 Dried cherries around 2
1.5 Servings Vegetarian Vegetable Soup at 6
But then, Because I wasn't especially hungry when i had my soup, I just wanted to keep eating. I had more dried cherries, because that was the only thing that I have that isn't individually wrapped and in a can or in the basement. I ate them, and I ate them. After I ate probably a little less than a cup, but we will say a cup just to be safe, maybe more? Not more than two cups, I know that much, at least, I threw them away and poured nail polish remover over them so I wouldn't pick them out, becasue they were the only thing in the garbage. I threw some of it up, but I wasn't able to continue, becasue, I cannot remember if I mentioned, I have a housemate now. Her bedroom is right nest to the bathroom and after I threw up the first time, she knocked on the door and asked how long I was going to be. I don't know if she heard me or not, but I was too scared.

Beacause of my trying to get off laxatives, i couldn't get rid of it. It just sat in my stomach. Due to that, I am going to fast today. I will have coffee, and skinny water. At 315, I will have ten grapes.

I have to work 5 to 9 at work. The crap one by my college... At least I don't have to close anymore, so I will be out of work at 9 all three days I work. I bought all my textbooks last night, 5 in total, and, because I am a super bargain shopper and was able to buy 4 of them the edition previous to what the prof had listed, I spent all of $107.71 My Stats book cost $63 of that!

Snow Globe

So, I'm back at school. I am doing pretty much the same thing, but after I got all unpacked and whatnot, I just got... really down. Not sad, just, down. Classes start tomorrow. Hopefully my mood doesn't get any worse. I can't deal with that and first day stress all together. Too much.

Comment Replies (of which are ridiculousy overdue):

O.G.:Yep, the Blogger app for the droid is awesome! And FREE! I'm glad we both enjoi talking to the internet :) very much so

Elara: I am soo going to read that... once i get through the big list of other books also awaiting my mind's eye. Once I do, I'll let ya know how it was. Thanks for telling me bouts it. And thanks for the happy birthday!

TheScaleCracked: I see what you mean about gaining weight after becoming vegan. I never would have thought it was easier to gain weight being vegan than being vegetarian. I have to be so much more strict now. And I am jealous of YOU >> Beautiful (if you don't mind my saying :) I noticed you don't have a blog. Do you have one somewhere else? I would be quite interested in reading.


It has been so long since I last posted. Quite a lot has kinda happened.

To begin, my birthday dinner... oh mymymy. Very bad. Very bad indeed. We ended up going to Friendly's and I ate half a veggie patty and some fries. However, allowing myself to eat that caused me to keep eating them. I went out with friends about three times that week after and at one point, went to applebees and ate an entire veggire cowboy burger, and all my fries. HOLY CRAP! Just imagining those calories makes me want to puke.
Last night was pretty bad too. I hung out with Kristin, she made me dinner. We had spaghetti and meatless meatballs, garlic bread, and a cup of soy milkshake. That alone was too much. But, then, I went home and for some reason had a vegan brownie and two sliced of lite wheat toast with peanut butter. Then I had two more slices of toast with pb. and I had probably three glasses of crystal light lemonade as well. I hadn't purged since my birthday dinner, but last night, it was really not a choice. It was surprisingly easy to do so, I was glad.

Another thing that has badly developed is laxatives. I hate to think of what I have likely done to myself. The night of my birthday dinner, I took 4 before dinner and six more after purging because I was worried purging had possibly gotten rid of some of the laxatives I had already taken. Then the day after I took 6, and the day after that 8, and so on and so forth. Friday night, I took a total of twelve... In the past two weeks, I have probably not taken laxatives maybe, three days max? I, however, did not take any today. Simply becasue I don't want to be in class with a bunch of new people and be running to the bathroom. I don't want to be worrying about having to do so, either.

One good thing about being back here, is that I already feel more of a sense of control again. Back home, I had been doing so well, all the way down to 97, only to lose it and get back all the way up to 102. I am down to 100 right now. I ate a fat free scone my dad picked up for me. I felt bad, becasue it was vegan and he was all excited about it, so I ate it, because I didn't want to make him sad right before I left. Then, I weighed myself just now, after drinking some Powerade (trying to get some electrolytes back from all those laxatives. Zero calories, of course) and it said 100.3, so hopefully with my new restrictions, I will at least be able to be back down to 97 by Friday. I only work three days this week, and no closing days (thankfully, I don't think I will be closing anymore)so, I am going to be planning out my days from everything to going to class, laundry, when I will do what, and when and what exactly I will eat. This seems to work the best for me, so nothing it unplanned and there is no time to roam. Also, I have takien all the food that is in my room and placed it in a drawer in my dresser and covering the food are pictures of me in eighth grade, at about my highest weight and pictures of my favourite Versace thinspo.

Tomorrow's intake: I am going to go down to 300 calories. This seems to be a perfect number. More, and it seems wrong, and less is almost sure to spark a binge.
Coffee x2 w/Splenda
1 serving vegetarian Vegetable soup - 90
1/2 cup applesauce - 50
20 Grapes - 60
This is only 200 calories, but I am going to toy around with it tomorrow and see what my other options are to make it be 300.

Off to bed, 9am class tomorrow.


XXX

Trees Get Wheeled Away

So, starting today I will be going on a fast until Thursday. The last two days have been really horrible, to say the least... it all started with my birthday dinner. We ended up going to Friendly's for some reason. I got the bbq fronionn Boca burger no cheese no mayo extra lite fronion. I ate an entire half of the burger. I asked the waiter to not give me fries it anything, because I knew that I'd eat them but then mmy sister said she would eat them if I got waffle fries. She didn't. I ate some of those... but then I got home and ate a bit more. And couldn't throw it up. I managed to throw up most of what I ate when I got home.but that's it. So I took 7 laxatives. The next morning I was at least down to 98.8. But then I didn't eat all day because I want hungry. Which is even worse. Until my brother got home and I had a heath cookie and some cheeseless cheese puffs. Gah! And when I went to purge, my dad calls and tells me if he pays me could I take my sister out to her friends house. So I did that. So instead of purging I just took like 8 laxatives. I think that's how many, anyway. I would take 3 then felt that wasn't near enough so I took 3 more and then took some before bed... I think it was maybe a total of 8.

So beginning today and until my certain to be disastrous date on Thursday, I am going to limit my intake to 200 calories max. But today, I will have absolutely.nothing other than 0 calorie drinks. And no laxatives allowed. I want to see how long I can go. It's.just that, with the laxatives, they are a security blanket. Even if I have, say my 160 calorie oatmeal concoction, I still feel like I fucked up and need to take them.

Why my date will surely be disastrous:
It is that date with Kristin at johnny rockets. We are.going at noon on Thursday. When she asked me I said yes. And hen I asked her what she as up to. She was out to lunch with Aaron, her ex, because he was going to buy her a new wallet. He buys her all this shot. I asked her why she was.still with him, because she deserves much better and he is not a niice person at all. And she said she knew that, but that she just loves him and knows that no matter what she will always end up going back to him. She told me this after confessing to me that she did like me again and wanted to 'get to know me again'

So I agreed to go to johnny rockets with her and we are going to talk about things. It's not going to be all that rest because I'm going to tell her that we have to just be friends because I can't play games. Not like this. Not again. My heart can't take it. I barely managed to just het it somewhat back together so it at least isn't crumbling...

'Everyone has the exact love life that they want.'
If that is true then someone slap me. For the most part I am ok with being single. It's easier.raw chance of getting hurt if I'm single. Less complicated. But of course it is always nice for someone to care enough.

There Will Be No Next Time

So yesterday I sadly took 5 laxatives... but then right after I purged everything in my stomach. Felt Soo good to ne empty. I was down to 97.6 but then after last night I am, ad of this morning at 98.4. Fail! Tonight I have to go to this stupid sports bar with my dad for my birthday dinner. Why we are going to a sports bar? Because he has a gift certificate. Grrr. I looked at the menu Nd I am going to have to have like nachos with salsa or something. My only other option really, is fries so ill just have the lesser of the two... then ill go home and purge it all. I have to. No choice. The only other option would have been going to panera tomorrow for lunch, which would have been even more calories. So instead I will fast tomorrow and just like super clean my room again.

I am also going to reread Unbearable Lightness. Amazing book. If you have not read it yet, you must. I don't even know what to say about it except that it is absolutely amazing.

I'm on my break at work and stupidly forgot to brig a book to read so instead I am trying to find ways to waste the next ten minutes.

Does anybody have any good suggestions for novels and memoirs about ED?

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Wear Me Down

CW: 99.0

I seem to be stuck... since going vegan, I though I would have actually lost weight. But nope... my grandpa made vegan brownie a la mode today for me so I had to eat that but I was only able to purge a small amount of it. The only other thing I ate today was a lettuce and tomato low calorie wrap. Even though that wasnt very much intake for the day, still I took 6 fucking dulcolax laxatives... starting now, tomorrow, no laxatives for at least 4 days. I am just worried that I am going to really hurt myself, being this stupid with the laxatives. Over the next week and a half, until the 15th, my 19th birthday, I will only be allowed to have the following, period:
Coffee
Water
Apples
Carrots
Peas, raw only
Broccoli
Celery
Grapes
Skinny water (amazing stuff)
If I feel the need to eat something else, then I will have to do 100 jumping jacks and 30 leg lifts each before I actually do so. That way, I will be too tired to lake anything besides the prepared fruits and veggies I have been stocking.

I finally made it to the gym. But I was only able.to go for about fifteen minutes because I had to wear a long sleeve shirt (people would probably be most if thy saw my arm, especially now that there are fresh scars on it. Update ok THAT later... so I was excessively lightheaded. I think it also has to do with the super abuse of laxatives in the last couple days, well, almost a week. No, more than hat even. About. Week and a half that I have been taking laxatives straight... wow.

So tired though. I can barely keep my eyes open, and this entry.prolly makes mo sense so ill elaborate tomorrow... sorry.

XXX

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Yesterday, so Yesterday...

Hey guys. So, my Blogger app on my Droid is being stupid. I posted on the 29th but lost it somehow. Anyways...

My main new years resolution is I am going vegan! I have been having a lot of trouble lately with junk food and such. So, when I was rereading my blog, I realized how strict I used to be. I am going to get that back. My tongue is healed now for the most part so it isn't too bad eating. I decided that going vegan will do the following:
-stop me from eating subway
-stop me from eating at friends houses so much because there won't be much choices.
-stop me from just eating as much as I was and help me lose these last few pounds.

The only thing that is really difficult is when people ask me why I decided to do it. Latter.I just tell that I've wanted to do it for a while and finally decided to do it. Also, there really isn't a reason for me Not to, ya know?

Yesterday I had the following:
Quaker oatmeal (1/2 cup dry) with splenda, cinnamon, and a few bits of chopped apples
Small bite of vegan cookie.

Before I ate tbd cookie, I weighed myself at about ten thirty. I was at 99.8. Today, because I am far too close to being in the triple digits, I am going on a fast for today. I had a cup of coffee this morning. Going to the gym before work. Maybe another coffee at work from dunkin donuts. Then go home and clean my room.

I am so happy I can be going.g to the gym again.

Another resolution is that by the end of this school year, I want to have at least 500 dollars saved up. I know thats not a lot. But lately i haven't been able to save money.

---

The blog I wrote the other day, the one that got lost was quite significant. Now that I am back from school, I am seeing all my regulars from work again. They all have neen saying the same general thing. That I look really skinny like I lost weight. I just smile and say no, all puzzled. My favourite regarding, also the mom of one of my kinda friends, I saw at wegmans. She was overly.concerned about it. She went on for like ten minutes about if I was eating at school and if I was okay and whatnot. Inside I was beaming of joy.

Off to work though. More later.

XXX

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