How Long Could This possibly Last?

How long could this he possibly last. I told you guys last time that I wasn't sure which road I was going to take. Go down the road of continuous disappointment that I had been traveling since coming back home, or take that final step to the road closer to recovery. I chose to try it, what the hell. I have been eating, not restricting, but just eating if I feel like it, othertimes, not feeling hungry, so I don't eat. I might decide to have some peanut butter cookies at eleven o'clock at night after jsut eating some spaghetti. I am careful, though. I know that if I eat pizza or a big bowl of cereal while at home alone, I will be tempted to purge it up, so instead I decide to have a pop-tart or an apple. I run 4, 5, 6, 7 days a week, whenever I feel like it. I know it has part to do with him, but for now, I will just be happy with the gift he has unintentionally given me - a life worth living.

He has been coming in my work since I started working there. He always used the make small remarks of how we should hang out, since I never do anything besides work. Well, finally, I gave him my number and we have hung out a couple of times. I find that I am happier. I care more. I still see a distorted mirror now and again, but that is something that I will have to learn to accept of myself. I need to realize that although I am not perfect, I am happy. Happier now than I have been in some time. True, I deleted everyone from my life. Every friend who stood by me, I dropped them for no reason other than the fact that I could not stand to see them happier than myself. How long will this/he last? What will happen when he leaves for tour next month? Will I turn around and run back to the path well-trodden or will I stay strong and hope when he gets back four weeks later, I can say proudly that I stayed strong. He knows that I used to cut, and he still wants to hang out with me. He came over Sunday night until 230am, until I was falling asleep. He saw the ones on my stomach, due to my shirt riding up, and asked if I would tell him what happened. He hugged me and told me he was glad I didn't hurt so bad anymore. Then we went to his house last night and he made me dinner. I didn't even worry that it was going to make me fat. Still, though, he has yet to kiss me. But I guess I am just used to guys who are overly more confident than myself, I am out of my element. He seems like I am, goes one little tip-toe to getting closer to intimate every time I see him. I don't know, I'm sure nop one wants to read this so I will just stop.

I'm not sure if I will keep coming back here or not. It is too triggering and I am mostly getting better at this recovery thing. Some days it hurts, some days I jump for joy at life. At new possibilities. I might make a sub at work and decide I am not hungry anymore, then the next day decide I want a pretzel with cheese dip. It is a work in progress, but one that I am willing to try to work through. Being on here will just pull me back in.

So, seven years later, I am accepting my body, mostly, for how it naturally should be. I don't know where this path will lead me to, or if I will be just another statistic, and relapse due to self-recovery almost never works. Hopefully I can be strong and maybe one day, when we are both ready, we can finally see each other again. I hope you get better soon, my love, I ache to think of the pain you are going through. I love you forever and always. Philosraptors and forgotten nights and staying up late high off life and each other. I love you no matter what I do or say.

The Answer. Unknown.

The other day I tore apart my room. Looking for my long-forgotten razors.

I found them.
I used them.

Did I feel better? I couldn't say even if I had wanted to. I don't understand myself anymore. My actions do not follow my thoughts, my desires do not follow with the realm of what could be as much as what used to be and will never be again.

I am not moving in with her agian. Hell if I ever even talk to her again. After my last post, she sent me a collection of apartment listings far higher than we could comfortably afford without worrying month to month. I was working a lot so I never got a chance to andwer her back for a few days more. When I finally did, I had found the perfect place. ALL included, in our homnetown, everything. I knew the other people in the building and they gave rave reviews. I sent her the link and she responded my telling me that she was moving in with another friend now because she never heard from me and decided I was unreliable. I asked her if she had planned on telling mw thins and she said she figured I would have gotten in touch with her eventually. I couldn't believe it. The one person I am still in touch with and she does this. I tried to talk to her and she said that it did not matter, what was done was done. 'Then, yes, what's done is done. Thank you so fucking much for your support.'
And I have yet to tlak to her since. I do not plan on talking to her again. At least not for a while. I realize I am slowly pushing everyone away, but I don't know how to stop myself, or if I even want to.

I was on my way to the movies with my sister last night, and as I drove by the gas station, I passed a car trying to pull out onto the roadway. I was going quite slow so I glanced into the car. And pain surprise lost love showed upon my face. It was him. I swear it. He saw me and leaned out the window as if trying to get a better look. I was not completely sure it was him, part of me thinks I was jsut seeing him because I want to, that it was someone who looks uncannily like him. But I have no sure way of knowing. Nonetheless, I felt my heart break all over again. I felt it crumble to the bottoms of my feet and settle in waves content to just remain there than mend it.

I know it is a recurring theme in my posts lately, and I am sorry, but I feel I am so lonely and have been for so long that I don't know how to not be. I tell them that I am content with the social life I lack to lead, but is that really the truth? Sometimes I wish I had friends that I wanted to go out and party and have fun with people when they ask me. But I always find myself declining, smiling softly and making excuses as to why I am unable. I feel if the sky were to fall to pieces around me, I would barely flinch. More likely, i would fall to pieces right with it and hardly care. After all the pieces fell, what would be left would be a small hole of what, I do not know. I love to hate myself. What would happen when there is nothing left to hate but an empty shell?

I don't know what I am doing when it comes to food and myself. I am not eating as much as I should, and what I do eat id not the best for me. At least every other day, I run four miles on my treadmill, and walk every day for an least half an hour while reading. I tried not to purge last night after eating far too much. I tried to just go to sleep and ignore it. I woke up about an hour later feeling so sick I couldn't not do something. So into the bathroom I went. Feeling somewhat better, I popped seven Dulcolax and called it a night. Waking every twenty minutes or so. For the past week or so, I haven't been able to shake off the latest bout of sadness that often engulfs me. I might feel ok for a little while, but as soon as my mind has a chance it reminds my heart that, Hey, you suck and no one loves you. There is no reason for you to be happy. Why are you happy? But why am I sad? The answer remains unknown.

Is it better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all, to know that you are now alone and don't know love from hate anymore?

Falling in Love, Falling in the Mud

Where to begin...

I suppose, I will just go in order? Firstly, I finally got my treadmill up! It is great, every morning I get up and almost immediately go running for at least 30 minutes. I feel like I can finally get back on track, somewhat, anyways. The food here still tempts me, though.

Which leads to the next -- I am likely moving out! Finally, out of my parents house, out of random mood swings (from others) and tip-toeing around. One of my few and greatest friend asked me if I would get a two-bedroom apartment with them, and, well the more I thought about it, the more the idea grew into an action and once I had the sprout growing, I could not stop it. Hopefully, I will be looking at it on Thursday and making my final decision. I know I will miss my brother and sister and even my parents, but it's not like I will be two hundred miles away again. Only about fifteen miles, twenty minute drive, tops. Moving in with this friend, I will not need to hide. They are, I do believe more similar to me than they realize. She is a 'health nut' on a close level of mine, so temptation will be out the door, competition begin.

On to my last point I have been meaning to make... as much as it pains me to say, it is so hard for me to see you. I do love you, we share so much. You are the one that probably knows just about every secret. Almost. However, I seclude myself for a reason. Though I do not know this reason to a point to allow myself to explain it to you, it is true. Every time you pop in and surprise me, I feel my self-esteem fall, feel the rubble of what is left of my heart drift bit by bit by the passing wind. I feel the vice tighten around me. I wish I could cover up my heart, remove it from my sleeve, bury it on a deserted island where no one would find it. Please do not worry. I do still love you, but I feel I am unable to express my mind as to the innerworkings of my being with you any longer. I wrote you a letter. I sealed it away. Will I give it to you? Would you read it would you digest it or purge it and pretend it never happened would I hear back from you or would I lose you forever? I am terrified I will be left behind so I run. Run so far my feet begin to bleed. Soon they will only be stumps left in the dust. How will I run then?

Scream So Loud That No One Can Hear You Cry

I haven't really been very motivated lately. I don't really know what to do. I am at a loss. Other than work and reading... I really don't care about anything else. For the past two weeks, I haven't even logged into my school courses. I wanted to drop them, but they said that if I did, I would have to pay all the tuition and fees myself, becasue my financial aid would not disperse. SO, I am going to 'stay in the classes' and then just not go back next semester. I was so sure of what I wanted to do with my life. Go to school, graduate, get a job helping others like myself. However, all of that now seems irrelevant - so far away. I felt as though I were wasting my time in school. I am now the official store manager and on my way to gaining another store in the next year or so. Quite honestly, as pathetic as it may seem, I feel like maybe...

This is it. This is what I will have to show for the rest of my short life. Subway. I mean, I guess I could make this work. I just can't see myself sticking with school anymore. Last year fucked me up beyond belief and I guess that's why. That's why I feel like, if I can get control of at least one thing in my life, and drop the thing that terrifies me, maybe everything will be better. At least for now, maybe.

I am going to tell you guys how much I weigh. Just because of the fact that I think it may motivate me to get back down. The past week-two weeks, I have been purging AT LEAST twice a day. It has gotten to the point that every time I use that toothbrush, I feel the lacerations on the very back edge of my tongue. But no matter how much it hurts, I cannot stop. Because I know, that no matter how scared I am, I will always feel better once I get it out. I even started to purge at work. We have our own employee prvate bathroom, so I don't have to worry about anyone coming in while I am in the stall, dieing.

Sometimes, I look at myself and see someone who is smaller. Someone who others may envy to be this size, but barely a second after that thought crosses my mind, I snap out of dreamland and back to my world of tear-soaked pillows, crying in the dark, screaming in the empty house, hoping no one will come home while I am bent double over the void that take my problems momentarily away. I must always remind myself of the girl that once was. The girl that smiled and had friends and had a life. I see that girl as though looking through an old warped stained glass window. She looks at me with pity and trust. If only I could tell her - scream to her - to talk to someone, to trust on others as she trusted in me, in herself, rather than push everyone away and pretend it was thier fault. They no longer cared, no longer wanted to sit with her at the lunch table, invite her to parties, invite her to the movies and a night of staying up all night talking about how we were the outcasts, we were the different ones, the ones that were better. In reality, it was her, me, that ran away from reality, from friends, from everyone who ever cared.

Even to this day, I realize I am... detached(?) from my family. My brother and sister love hanging with my parents, hugging them. I couldn't even bring myself to touch them without cringing. Even for my graduation photos, I remember, the picture seemed staged. My posture gently detached from the touch of care, from the touch that meant a bond. There was no bond, just a void. A crater that fell through and through the day my world came tumbling apart. I wish I could tell that little girl that, the first time her mother left, her own heart would break. Everything would not always be ok. That even though after a few days, her mom will come back, she will leave again. You cannot watch anothers heart break without experiencing little hairline fractures of the heart yourself. The heart can only take so much before it crumbles to pieces, no longer able to hold itself together with hopes of forever and someone to come along and fill in those fractures with thier own heart.

They say 19 is too young to be a cynic. But when your heart gets broken for the first time before the age of 11, whose to say. To stop believing in love does not inquire a lack of hope that love is out there, but merely to accept the fact that it is less likely to happen that it is to not. TO look in my eyes and see deep would be to allow your heart to experience the gripping hairline fractures of a witness to pain, a witness to what it is like to live every day in the clutches of something you cannot beat, but cannot succumb to either. So, what is left to do?


113.0

Party if You Can Rememberr

Down another three pounds... I never would have guessed it though, really. I suppose one good thing from the horrible experience last Wednesday is that it kind of turned me around. I guess that's what happens when you snort a hella lot Ativan and then the only thing you remember is watching a movie about ED with your ED friend. Honestly, I barely remember from ten minutes after doing it until the morning two days later... Everyone thought I was just really sick. Thankfully, no one pressed that I go to the hospital - not sure that is necessarily a good thing, really. However, whenever I eat anything at my house or when I am out and get get to a private bathroom, I have been purging what ever possible. Then taking 5-8 lax a night... The one thing I DO remember from that morning after is that I weighed myself and remember seeing - almost told you how much I weigh!

I have two weeks from Sunday to get down to 100. Most certainly doable.

Going or Coming.

J.P.: First off, let me say, I look forward to your comments quite a bit that it scares me. Your questions were... intrigueing? But I will absolutely answer them, because why would I not, no?
Aiighty. 'Do I poop like diarrhera?' Pretty much yea.
'Is it something I get used to?' I wouldn't say used to per se. The above, yea I guess I got used to it, but.. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It's like me saying I got used to puking. Does that help :/ I'm not sure how else to put that, really.
'Do I take it in the morning or with meals...?' Never WITH a meal. And almost never in the morning unless I get really anxious. Usually I take it after a b/p or I eat more than I planned... Which usually occurs at night after I get home from work. (Which I really am trying to work on not doing. trying being the opperative word I suppose)
Keep the comments and questions coming, I appreciate them very much. <3

Earlier, I got a pretel at work from a friend and ate it. Which entirely set me off. I got home from work and ate more. Then, purged until it seemed at though there was a gaping hole in my throat. Realized I had no more lax, and even though I would then have to get gas, drove the the grocery store to pick more up. Thankfully no one realized I was gone. No one heard me coming or going. going or coming. Tomorrow: liquid fast.

P.S. I got both sides of my nose pierced yesterday. It looks quite cute, I think.

Ice... Cold...

Lately, I have been eating less and less. B/P less and less as well, gradually. For the past few days, I won't eat anything until five or six, but then I just want to continue eating...

Today:
Small Coldstone ice cream (too many calories) < Coffee, tea.

That was about five hours ago, and I am up .4 from before I left. I am out of lax, so today will be the first night in a little over a week without them. I am fucking terrified.

Sidenote: got both sides of my nose pierced today!

Returning to the Land of the Suns

I had a small setback the other day. Down 1.2 from yesterday though.

Todays intake:
3 XL DD Coffees (220)
Fiber One Blueberry Yogurt (50)
17 Grapes (51)
Total: 321

After having my grapes at 530, I was so worried that I would be tempted to binge that I had a sip of cough syrup and made myself sleep. I woke at nine, and now just feel funny. When I woke up, I weighed myself and was down .4 from this morning. I nam finally back on track, getting back down there and it feels so great.

Bad: I am a horrible person. It would appear to be true that I lead people on. I can't say I don't entirely realize what I am doing, because I do, I just don't like to hurt people so I just allow things to happen that really shouldn't. He came over last night and I know we both had quite different intentions. but I was unable to voice my feelings on the matter. Now, I am hiring him at work, so this should be interesting. What to do?

Do I explain to him that I really don't see myself with anyone, male female or anyhting inbetween or outside? Or do I just tell him I want to be friends thast I do not like him like that...

Oh to the confusion that is me...

Dear I'm lost

CW: Too much.

Today:
Small Orange (80)
Two cookies (400) (50)
Yogurt (90)

I was doing really well today. Until I left work. I went to my other work, had two more cookies, went home ate dinner with my sister, broccoli, fries. Then had cereal with my brother when he got home at ten... As soon as everyone left the kitchen, I went to my room and puked until nothing more would come out. I feel like such a complete failure. I threw away a relatively good day as soon as I left work... why?
However, after p, I weighed myself, .2 up from this ,morning. Just did my DVD, 3 lax. Hopefully it will be better. When I was done, I looked out my back door to the kitchen window and noticed the light was on. Someone was in the kitchen, right outside my room, while I was p. This happened last night as well. I think they know.

Tomorrow:
Gym (stairstepper, 20 mins. treadmill, 33 mins. arm circles 5 mins, stretched)
work 12-7
1 small orange (80)
yogurt (90)
100 calories oreo pack (100)
Total:270

I feel like because I have written this down for whoever to see, I usually feel more obligated to stick to it. Right now, I have the biggest headache, but I really don't want to take anything because I am afraid someone is in the kitchen and my pills are out there....

I will finally havea day off on Friday. Last week, from Wednesday to yesterday, I worked about 63 hours. I've done this before, but it was longer shifts so I still had days off, whereas this past week was normal shifts and no days off. I guess this is what happens when I am manager...

I feel like I am not making any sense right now, but it wouldn't really make any sense to reread it to check now would it?

Bleeding

All I feel lately is guilt discust pain sadness helplessness. I cannot face you. I much want to, would love to, but not yet, not when I can barely face myself. I am sorry, becasue you don't deserve this. I was jsut looking at a picture of us. And I wanted to cry so much. Just wanted to tell you that I love you, always will, no matter how I fail to show it. Please do not hate me. Please don't forget about me...

Going to look at an apartment on Tuesday hopefully. It doesn't have a stove. But that's ok. Super ok actually. And very much in my price range. W eshall see how it goes. Work in six hours though....

And We Say... For What Reason

Working at the mall, I see couples and groups of friends sharing in each others' company all day. Although I am smiling on the outside, I am breaking apart piece by fractured piece for every time I tape on a smile that doesn't extend to my eyes. Every second I spend with them, looking at them, yearning for what they appear to have, I wish for some semblance of the lie they portray. I am hoping for that person to make me forget the bad thoughts. For the person to tell me they love me even with my many flaws. For someone to call not text me in the middle of the night just to make sure I am ok, just to hear my voice. For someone to want to spend every second with me that they beam with joy upon my return. Someone to spend the days and nights in thier arms. Someone like you.

And my greatest fear from this is that I will never find another person that will make me feel as you did for that one summer. That one roller coaster of a wonderful summer. And here I am, a year later, still crying for time lost, for things left unsaid. Wishing I could tell you how I still feel. How, when I see someone that reminds me of you, I wish to run right back in. But you are gone now, and there is no return, no rewind button, replay - no matter how much I wish for it.

Some things, no matter how much you believe in them, just won't come true.

I know you have moved on, but I still find myself clutching at the memories of me and you. Even though you never acknowledged that label until I was gone, until it was too late. Until the only thing it accomplished in doing was tearing apart my heart. Tearing it so deep that when the cuts became scars, they still ached and caused pain so bad that no one ever knew.

For this power you still have, I am the most sorry. So sorry that though I know things should be said, the only thing I can do is to lose myself exactly how you taught me to do. Breathe deep. Breathe strong. Hold. Exhale. Swallow, sniff, forget. Get lost in you, from you, from me, from everything that means meant you and me.

At least for a while.



'As long as you hold me Ill get by
As long as you need me Ill try not to die.'
---As long as you hold me, Kirsty MacColl

back To the Circle from Corset

Hey guys, I have the internet again!! FINALLY. Now I can better distract myself from all the... bad. Up early, been working about 60 hours a week lately. Even the little time I have been on the internet, I feel the help it has given me... Just wanted to say hey to whoever might still be out there. Sorry I've been gone for so long guys.

Lovehurtpainaddictionlifedeath

Today is the SECOND day that I have achieved not purging. I have been going back and forth between the same five pounds mainly due to b/p. I just wish I had never discovered the ability to p. Life was so much easier.

He is back from NH. The boy from last summer. The one that caused so much lovehurtpaindesireescapeaddictionlife. He is back. I haven't seen him yet, but I know the day I simply catch a glimpse of him will be a hard day indeed. A very scary hard day. Luckily, I have been working so much lately that the only other thing I really have time to do is go for my run, shower and go to bed. Then get up and do it all over again the following day. I just don't know what I am doing anymore, really.

I don't know where I am going, what I am doing, how I am going to amount to anything more than a pathetic girl that can't go a day without feeling the edge of something or other.

The thought of my razors have been more and more tempting as the days go by and the numbers remain the same. I feel like as long as I am still living at home, nothing is going to change. My goal is to be moved out by the end of January at the latest. It is definitely plausible to do.

I have decided to try to take mostly, if not all, online classes this semester to avoid what happened last year. To avoid the anxiety, panic, and all together procrastination that led to my amazing 1.75 overall GPA for the entire last year. Hopefully I can keep coming back on here as I will soon have the internet again at my house. Sorry for the long absence. Absence of will of motivation of honesty and control. Determination.

hellogoodbyeroundandround

Hey guys I am really truly sorry about not being here for so long. I have fallen to the other side. Can't seem to resist... however, I am slowly getting... better. No numbers for awhile, but I will try not to be gone for so long again. Been writing more on my journal than anywhere else...

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An Interlude

Anon: ... if you actually look at the blog for a few minutes, that answer will be OBVIOUS. She is actually trying to get people to understand that this is Not a game. That it ruins you, that it is not only about the numbers and thast when you get to yous UGW, you will be satisfied, because most likely you will not.

CW: 101.6 this morning.
Walked 5.5 miles to the store and back. The time spend in the two stores included, took about 2 hours. Burned about 300 cals.
Had bran(80) with milk(45) and banana(50) =(175).
However, I also had a bit of other stuff, pretty much the same thing as last night... but purged all the way back to my bran.

So much for going to the Hibachi tomorrow and spending the day with the friend... I asked her what time we were going, and she said we were no longer going, but if plans changed, she would let me know. I know I should be happy about this, as I have avoided all those calories, but I just feel so let down. Ditched. Again.

Earlier, I had planned on only having egg whites today and stopped at the store to pick some up. I got there, and even put them in the basket. However, the mercy for animals video kept playing and replaying in my mind. Those chickens in the cages, but especially the baby make chicks being thrown into the grinder alive, simply becasue they were male... I have watched these videos before, but for some reason, this time it really hit me. Yes I still drink milk and sometimes eat cheese, but all in due time, I think I probably won't... It just haunts me.

CAUTION: the following, until I say, is kinda TMI, but I was happy, and it's kinda important for me I guess. I'll make it blod when I'm done with TMI.


So, today was kinda of an important day. As you know, I have been trying to lessen my use of lax. Stopped taking them the day I got my tongue pierced, then took only 1 last Sunday and since then, haven't had on. ANS Guess what I did today ALL ON MY OWN WIthout lax?!?!?

oK, I'm done. Sorry.

Self-Starvation

This is a girl on tumblr. It shocks me what is going through my mind as I read this. I can't type now, but I needed to share ir with you guys. Granted, it does not have the intended effect, but I just need to freewrite right now.

She Will Break You

As the tears rush down my face,
I wonder what I have done.
My heart breaks into a tiny million pieces
For times lost and terrifying setbacks.


I know it needs work, I just wrote it now. I mini-binged a few hours ago and still I feel like shit. I did manage, I think, to get most of it up. I had drank (drunk, drinked, wtf??) some bright red drink mix a bit before. My housemate wanted me to make her brownies for this coming finals week. However, she got out the mix and such today, and asked me to make one box for just general that everyone would be able to eat - whatever. I knew I shouldn't have made them, but I ignored myself. I made them anyways. I ate some of the mix, then I ate a bit more.
Brownie mix, 3 bites(200)
About 5 cookies (400)
2 slices bread(150)
ketchup, it. dressing (70)
Then when the brownies were done, I cut off the edges adn had a bit of brownie with a scoop of ice cream (250)

I know many people would criticise me for calling this a binge, but when you usually consume less than 300 calories a day and burn off at least 150 of those, this is quite ridiculous. Also, it is because I just felt... out of control, detatched, I guess. I then threw all the brownies away, including the unopened box. I will buy her new ones and make them Sunday night when she gets back and ask her to please keep them in her room. She won't ask why, because I have done this before. I really don't care if she suspects anything, becasue I am leaving soon, no one here will see me again, and no one here knows anything except the general area where I live. two and a half hours away.

Sorry this wasn't all that interesting, I just wanted to get that off my chest. It makes me feel better, usually, when I can letit out. Thanks for listening to my pity party or whatever.

At first, I wasn't going to purge, becasue I am trying to stop that, but it was jsut too much. I was feeling physically nauscious from all the sugar and just general fullness I guess. Toothbrush here I come. Afterwards, I just started crying. I think that;s honestly the first time I have really cried after a binge. Oftentimes, I will just feel numb, pathetic, sad, but this time was different. I felt like a complete failure, not worthy of anything. Belittled by my own lack of control...

Guilt

CW: 102.6


Just ate 'solid' food for te\he first time in a week. I feel so guilty, but I know it's irrational.

Today:
Small Blueberry Iced Coffee with Splenda (15)
3/4 c. Kellogg's Bran Original Cereal (90)
1/2 c. Skim milk (45)
1/3 Banana (33)
TOTAL: 183

Walk 2 miles (-100)
Net total: 83

I know it's not a lot, but I still feel horrible. Sunday, for Mother's Day I am going with the aid at my house who has kind of become a friend with her to a Japanese steakhouse then to the mall. Then on Thursday, she's bringing pizza. Sunday, I think I will either just have sauted veggies or just a salad.

Pointless rambling.

CW: 104.4

I got on the scale this morning. saw 104.6. Only down .2. I felt like such a failure. Just a few months ago, a .2 loss would have meant something, now, it's just not enough. Every night I dream nightmare after nightmare.

'You really don't have prominent collar bones, just kinda hints of them.'

That was still replaying itself back and forth when I opened my eyes. needless to say, I couldn't bring myself to go to class. Again. I don't know waht I'm doing anymore. Nothing else matters.

My sister went running yesterday around town. Probably about 2.5 miles in total. Sha was sad that my brother wouldn't go, but rode his bike alongside her. This made me happy. I told her that when I got back form uni, we could go running together. Running with her would make me never want to stop running - no matter how much pain I was in, I would make sure I run better than her.

By the time I get home, those jeans we bought to share WILL fit me well. They were a bit tight on me, a bit loose/good on her. I will be able to wear them with pride my the end of May. Promise.

I have yet to eat today, other than 8 oz. V8 lower sodium veggie juice(50). Needless to say, that stuff is not very yummy, but it IS 2 serv. of veggies. I barely feel hungry, nor the urge to eat, even.

I had the urgre to eat cookie after cookie after toast after ice cream last night. Instead, I grabbed a SF creamsicle and went for a walk. Did some exercises and got in the shower.

The aid at my house wanted to have dinner with me before I go home. She knows how much I was in LOVE with Buzzy's pizza. However, thankfully I told her that I couldn't have it until next Thursday, hoping she would give up, becasue I will not see her after Wednesday. However, she has decided that she is going to come over just to bring pizza and visit me. OK. Plan: Run at least 4 miles, stationary bike, walk around the city for 1 hour, more if the weather is nice. That should be ok, especially if I fast on Friday. Oh let me be strong. Let my stomach have shrunk enough from only having a small bit of applesauce accompanied by something small once daily for two weeks...

The Beginning of the End?

CW: 104.8

Someone recently asked me if this whole thing was maybe triggered by something, if something happened to set it in motion. At first, I really couldn't think of anything, it just kind of happened. However, the more I think about it, the more the dates seem to match up and make sense. maybe I'm just looking for an excuse, a reason, but it seems to make sense... This is really hard for me to write, but I think it might help (?)

Around last February i met this guy. He seemed sweet. But then He got pushy. I was at the time - and still am - a virgin. After about a month and a half, two months, he tried to go a bit further, and I didn't stop him. I suppose I didn't want him to be mad. I hate when people are mad at me. I felt used, dirty, a disgrace, afterwards. And yet, I let it happen again. At the end of March, I got back from Vermont from a weekend snowboarding trip with Ski Club. The following weekend, we went camping with some friends. It wasn't really all that exciting. After I had been there a few hours, everyone decided to go to sleep.

First thing. The tent zipper got stuck and he got pissed off. Kind of scared me, but not scary scared. Then, all he wanted to do was make out and attempt to go further. After a while I told him I wanted to go to sleep. A bit into the night, he woke up. I was awake, but he didn't know that as I was pretending to sleep. He had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and apparently taken his boxers off. He took my hand and... well, put the pieces together, because I refuse to say it. Or type it. I still pretended to sleep. He said 'I KNOW you're awake.' Still, I did nothing. The next morning, he completely ignored me. His friend, also a friend of mine, gave me a morning hug and made me breakfast. Was really nice to me. I the guy take me home. I went straight to my room. When I got to work, I told my friend, and she flipped out. When I finally confronted him, via text, he completely brushed it off. Claimed it was nothing, that I needed to get over myself and stop being so prude. I told him we were done, and he said something along the lines of 'Well, it was fun while it lasted. I know I had fun ;)'

I remember right around the same time was when I started really counting calories and checking the scale daily. I am not saying that is what caused it, exactly, just that it can't be JUST a coincidence. This has been bothering me for the past couple weeks, but hopefully not anymore.

I told Kristin that I had a blog, hoping, I guess, that she would ask about it, but all she did was laugh and say 'YOU BLOG?!' When I was at her house, I took lax, and usually, I won't tell her what they are, but I finally told her. She didn't get it. She just said 'ew, poo.' So, I give up. It's not worth telling anyone, because they have no idea. None at all.

_____________

I have been feeling on the verge of a panic attack as of late. I think know it is because of the coming weather and my going home. The fact that I am going home for good means I will inevitably need to tell my mom at least about my cutting. It is not so bad, since I stopped, but I juust don't want her to get all emotional and think I have finally completely forgiven her for what she did last june. No way. However, there really isn't a choice, becasue she is going to wonder anyways. I just don't know how to tell her. I am not really 'close' with my parents. Sure, we go shopping and I will hang out with her for a bit here and there and whatnot, but... I don't give her my confidences. If that makes any sense? I want to tell her outright, not in a letter or anything, but I jsut don't know. I will probably tell her something along the line of, I started, but I stopped. It doesn't even occur to me to do it anymore, really. I started, I guess, becasue I was jsut so unhappy at college. I really hated it, so that's what I turned to. However, I did get help, and I stopped. The reason I am telling to this,is because I don't want you to be wondering all summer, and me flipping out at you. Please, don't make a huge deal about this. I have dealt with it and stopped. I won't show you, so please don't ask. I realize it was stupid, well, it seems stupid now, but at the time, it really wasn't. I am sorry if this hurts you, but it is done and over with.

So what do you think?? Any advice or feedback?

CW(6pm): 105.4

Today: Total(250)
Coffee
More coffee
Applesauce(120)
Cream Corn(100)
SF Creamsicle(20)
SF Popsicle(10)

I feel like there are different calories. I know it's not neccesarily the calories, but more what ELSE is in it. carbs, fat, sodium, ect. But, I could 250 cals of the above, and lose a pound a day, whereas I can have 200 cals of a frozen dinner and not lose as much. I felt pretty good after the second set of 50 jumping jacks/55 crunches. I shall do more before I go to sleep - which will be quite soon as I for somereason have been up since 7...

Sorry I've been posting a lot of stupid shit, I'M JUST SO BORED! and it passes the time...

My Blue Heaven

Been rereading my actual journal. It's actually quite an inspiration. Since getting my tongue pierced, I have lost 3 lbs as of this morning (106.0). I haven't weighed myself since then. once the aid leaves my house, I am going to weigh-in and shower.
150 jumping jack
60 crunches
50 leglifts on each leg
Stretches
Cream corn(100)
Applesauce(120)
After I ate, around 230p, I felt horrible. Like I had gained five pounds from the corn. One hour to go... and I will know. I really want to go to the gym, but with my not having a job, and the price of gas, I really can't afford to drive to campus on days I really don't need to be driving anywhere... SO cannot wait to get home, lay my carpet out, and set up my treadmill. It will be wonderful. Run in the morning, walk for a bit at night. :)

I'm not sure, really what to do about the whole laxative thing. The last time I took them was tuesday night. I'm not sure if I should maybe taker 1-2, once a week, or what. I just DON'T KNOW! I just feel if I take them, then I will want to continue taking them... Honestly, I think if I had insurance, I would probably go to the dorctors. Not to recover, just to check and see if I have done any real damage. But, alas, I do not. Help?

I Feel You There

CW(9pm): 106.8

Today's Intake:
Banana Baby food (145)
4 oz. applesauce (90)
2 sugar free creamsicles (40)
Lots of coffee (0)
Total: 275!!

As I was eating my creamsicles, I felt the familiar urge to binge. However, I can't, so it was a moot point. Hopefully by the time my two weeks are up, I will have at least somewhat broken the b/p cycle at least a little bit. It takes 21 days to break a habbit. How about a mentally appealing bad habbit? Does that still apply? Let's hope so.

The farmer's market will finally be open by the time I get to go home. A friend of mine suggested we walk there. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this, due to the fact that its probably about a 5+ mile walk from her house. Longer from mine. I could definitely see driving partially there and walking the last 2 miles. That would probably be about 600 calories, both ways combined!

I was going to take jsut one lax tonight, but I decided not to. I just feel like if I do, I will want to do it again the next night and the next and nextandnextandnext. I've gone three days so far. Hopefully, this works. I decided (tmi) since I did manage to go a bit on my own, I can continue for at least one more day. Just one day at a time.

I'm going crazy without a job. The subway by my uni took me off the schedule. When I returned from this past break, I would have been working until the 9th, about 2 weeks, a few days shy. It went like this:

Me: Hey, I was just wondering if I work on Wednesday, cuz I need to know what time to leave my house to come back.
Manager: Nope, you do not work on Wednesday.
Me: Oh, ok. Well, could you tell me when's the next time I work...?
Manager: Actually, I didn't put you on this week's schedule, because you were only going to be here for the one week.
Me: Oh... umm. Ok then. Bye.

She wasn't even going to tell me that I no longer worked there. Then, I went into work today to visit a co-worker who I started to become friends with, and he said he heard it was because I took a few days off before I left (which ended up me not being able to work customer appreciation day - a crazy busy buy one get one day for subways) and she got pissed or whatevs and decided not to have me work there any longer. I was pretty pissed. I got gyped out of about $300. Luckily I have enough money in the bank for gas and such, or I would have been utterly screwed.

Pretty sleepy now. though it's only 11pm. Gym tomorrow! hope it goes well.

Survey

Age: 19
Height: 5’4”
Weight: 107.0
Dress Size: 0
Highest Weight: 122 lbs.
Lowest Weight (at height): 96 lbs
Goal Weight: 84 lbs
Favorite Diet Food: fruit (pears, apples, grapefruit, grapes, plums, ect), soup,
Favorite Binge Food: pasta, pizza, breads, cereal.
Favorite Exercise: running, jumping jacks, JM workout DVD,
Favorite Thinspo: tiny legs with gaps, hip bones, flat tummy, real girls, before and after
Where Do You Slip Up: when I go home after being gone for a crazy long time. When I do really well out with friends, then they go home and I am alone, I feel they might not come back. Just alone.


When Did It Start?
Hating your body: about a year and a half ago? I was never conscious of my body before, really. Except when friends would pick on my ‘huge butt’
Restricting/counting: about a year and a half.
Does Anyone Know: one person
You Want Help: no.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: I try to stay below 500, right now, though, and for the next two weeks until I leave college, I am on a not solid baby food diet.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: ‘a lil tummy that sticks out’ huge thighs, squishy, an ass
Are You In A Relationship: nope
Are You Depressed: yes
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: no
Ever Been To A Psychologist: yes

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[I am exactly] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[to remove scars] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.


FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.


EMBARRASSMENT -
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[x] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[x] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.


BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x recovering x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[kinda] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[xxxxx] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[xx] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

NeglectfulBadStupidFatBitch

I could start off with saying 'I just don't know what happened,' but in a way, that would be a complete and utter lie. I went home weighing 104.4. Came back weighing 108.8. I comfort myself slightly with the mantra, 'you did not take lax last night, you did not take lax last night, and that has something to do with the gain. even if it IS jsut a little bit.' This is still a slight lie. I was eating like a 'regular' person pretty much would. For me, that is fucking nasty and wayy too much. All my progress has gone down the fucking toilet.

I hadn't been updating as much, because I no longer have internet at my house, so it is hard. I did, however, get offered the managemnet position at work, and I think I may take it.

As a last ditch attempt, I got my tongue pierced.. again. It has been 24 hours since I intook anything other than a few sips of water here and there, some advil and tylenol. It hurts to enev MOVE my tongue, let alone eat anything. It hurts worse than my others, because it is two side by side, going through the muscle. Oh how it hurts. But it will be worth it all in the end. Whether they stay in or not.

I haven't gone to class all week. I jsut can't. I have one more week, then just a 'week' of tests. And then I can finally leave this place forever. and Ever. It seems unreal. Like, it is so close, and when it finally comes to be, someone is going to jump out at me and scream 'PSYCH' it was just all a great joke, no one wants you back, you don't get to go home. You made the mistake of coming here when everyone told you it was a bad idea, and this is what you get for not listening. I should have dropped out in the beginning when I wanted to. It served no purpose to stay here and practically flunk out of college while simultaneously digging myself a deeper and deeper grave.

the only semi-good thing I can say is that I didn't take any laxatives last night. I think I will not take any tonight either. Then take just 1 the following night. And try doing it that way, hopefully I can wean myself off them that way.

My plan, also, is until I go home, I am going to be having only baby food, bananas, applesauce, and popsicles.

Discovery Me

ME: SO, what're you going to school for next year, anyway??
Friend: history education and eventually i want my masters in psych..
ME: cool beans. that was what i was passionate about but i dont wanna be a teacher, but i like history. but i also am fascinated my eating disorders (xD) so imma do psych and then focus on that..
Friend: haha im glad youre admitting to having one, thats the first step. but i think that would be good for you, even before you told me thats what i was thinking..
ME:i meant 'by' not 'my' lol..
Friend:yeah yeah, it shouldve said by my* because youre a skinny mini who needs a fucking cheese burger..

This is the conversation I had with a friend on FB last night. I just brushed it off and changed the conversation, but it scares me. I though I had been relatively apathetic towards my eating when it came to others, but the more I see, I realize many people had suspected. Or jsut accepted it without actual confirmation or talking to me about it... When I found out one of my other friends just assumed that I had ED, she just said, 'yea, I kinda knew. At least you're not super skinny like real ones.'
My heart just fell.

Negative

The best I can say for the past four days is I didn't gain. SW:105.4. This morning CW: 105.4.

Today:
wake up, cafe (30).
Drove to campus, use treadmill (-250)
Then at 1pm - Salad(french blend, 13; FF Dressing, 30)= (43)
5pm - Apple (80)
Ricecake(40) with jam(10)
Total: 203
Treadmill: -250
Net Total: -47

That is actually SO much food. This way, I can eat a couple times, rather than making myself wait until afternoon and wanted a shit ton of sweets.

This was not what I wanted for today, to just not have gained... Because of this, I am going to motivate myself even more, especially when I get to finally move back home. |I am going to buy a treadmill.| Simple as that. I am looking at a few different ones. I figure I am going to go to Sports Authority and Dick's Sporting when I finally go home on Wednesday. With the warrantee and tax, my max is going to be 700. Prefferably 600. I figure it is for a good cause though. :) Time for that salad... I'm so scared to eat it. But I WILL have control today! I will.

Those In Glass Houses

Why didn't I think of this before?!?! I went to the gym again today, (-220). It is soo much better now. I barely feel the urge to eat anymore. Before, I would have to pass through the kitchen to go to the basement to do laundry, and I would find myself rooting in the fridge for some cookies. they weren't even GOOD cookies, they were just there and crunchy and whatever, but now, I don't even really want them. Why eat them. 2 cookies would mean twenty-five minutes on the treadmill. No thanks. I realize now, I was 'confusing' boredom for hunger. Not anymore.

I talked to my professor, and rearranged my testing schedule, so instead of going home on the 17th of May, I will not be going home on the 13th! The trade-off for this, however, is on the 11th I have my stats test 8-10, then my English final 1010-12. Then I have a test on the 9th during the scheduled class time, as well as my History final on the 13th 2-4. Then I will finally be able to go home. I can't believe it. 30 days. That is all. That is nothing. Simple. My GW for the day I go home, as of right now, is 95, but surely that will be modified as I lose more weight. We shall see my progress.

To distract myself from boredom, I have been walking to Dunkin Donuts, getting a coffee. Making pretty tables and charts to keep me on track. I was knitting, but I ran out of yarn... Randomly organizing and reorganizing my room.

I feel like a cop-out. I got Maderma for the worse of my scars. It's not that I am ashamed of them. I do not want to get rid of them. However, as of late, I will wake up in the middle of the night because they hurt and itch so bad. I am hoping with the Maderma, once the scars get a bit smaller, they won't hurt as bad. Hopefully.

Plan 15698531

Today was actually quite a good day. Yesterday morning, when I stepped on the scale and saw a significant gain, I flipped. I went to the store and bought new running shoes - this way, I feel obligated to run no matter what because I spent money on them.

Today, I had a presentation and felt like this one kid, who was smirking and whispering throughout my presentaion, was laughing at me so I started hyperventilating and shaking, so I just said that was it, and sat down. My professor wasn't very understanding and gave me a 75 overall on my paper and presentaion...

Because of that, I was more upset. When I went back to my house to get my gym clothes, I had three cookies, purged, and promised to run extra when I got to the gym.

Gym:
Treadmill, 30 miutes - 235 cals
Workout DVD - 120

My net calories for the day was 350. Not too bad, considering, I suppose.

One week from tomorrow, I go home. I need to loose at least 3 lbs by then. That's all I ask for, please please PLEASE!

|~~~|


I can't stand this body anymore, this fat. The swollen glands from purging. The aches in my teeth. I am getting better at control. My weight gain was the result of one very painful day.

Many things had gone very badly, I ate Subway. When I got home, I tried to purge. After about ten minutes, my throat felt like it was on fire and ripping to shred. After I gave up and was weak, my stomach continued to try to rid itself of its contents. I was continuously burping, and at one point I did purge a bit of it involuntarily, but the rest just couldn't come up. I was so very scared. Lieing in bed that night, my heart felt like it was running a marathon. I was up until 5am because I was scared to sleep. I was not tired. I was just scared. Terrified of the number to come the next day. 105.8 (yesterday morning). I almost died of shame. As of tonight, I was 104.8. It CAN be done.
I am going to have a salad with dressing and cucumber (41), yogurt(100), coffee with cafe(70). I will also be going to the gym daily after my class to use the treadmill (-200 to -250). Things will be better.

To distract myself today, I made a fancy-looking chart to track my daily food and exercise as well as weekly weight loss. I figure it will be more motivation with it displayed on my wall for me to see every day.

The Crow & The Butterfly

You built me up, just to break me down. What is even more is that I knew it was coming. I chose to push it away and pull you closer – pushing myself further and further away. Until I almost lost myself. Now that I have myself back, I can’t let go of what I did. What you did. What they have all done and will do. I will burn in my own arms. Because of the past, I cannot let anything more break me down; to do so would be to lose myself for good, never to return to the real world. The world where the crow catches the butterfly, hearts are broken time and time again, and happiness is just a prelude to the ethereal pain of what is to be. There is no escaping what I have done, but I cannot taste it anymore. It was so close to me that I buried it alive, under layers of lies. I couldn’t face a broken heart and empty arms; choosing instead a story of black and white monotones that lead to nowhere but the never-ending trek across the insides of us all. The tragedy that makes my farewell a final greeting, embrace the pain I/you/me/we caused that one blind summer that I gave everything up to be with you only to get false glances, and then, when it was too late. It all came crashing down around me. When finally the dust cleared from the rubble of fallen expectations you were nowhere to be found.

Sophie

Something trivial I just wrote... I don't know why. It just, sometimes things pout into my head and I have to write them down.


Sophie.

Just to fit in, she starved herself. Just to fit in. Her life has become one excuse after another. Punishment after punishment. Every morsel that passes her lips brought with it terrified eyes and calculating numbers. How many miles to burn this off? That? How long on the treadmill? These questions were always answered before the food had even been chewed. To Sophie, food was not life. Food was not energy required by the body. It was a weakness of the flesh - a thing to ne overcome. If you are strong enough to resist, you will be rewarded. The greatest reward of all. Frail. Thin. Finally.

What no one tells you is, you not only must be strong enough to resist, you must be strong enough to suffer the consequences until you are rewarded. Deal with the constant fear, the relentless guilt, and, ultimately, the solitude, because, no matter what, you are in this alone. It doesn't matter who knows, who you tell. They cannot possibly understand. You are not like them. You are other. Something Else. What that is exactly, you will only know when you have finally reached it. So be strong. Fold into yourself; embrace the hole that gaped and oozes - the hole that was once your heart. It was too weak and would nut stand by while you transformed into what you almost are today. Something beautiful, to be admired.

And This Marks the Shift.

Today was not the best days, for sure. The weather was shitty so hey, why not make the day feel shitty as well eh? TO start off, in my Juvneile Justice class, we watched a video on Missouri juvenile corrections - group homes. Usually, I would have sat there and watched with interest. However, one of the boys divulged that he had been sexually abused by his father at a young age. His dad denied it and his grandma flat-out refused to belive him. I realized after about a minute that I had tears falling down my face as I stared blankly at the screen. I quickly brushed them away, grabbed my phone and deliberately ignored the rest of the movie. As soon as class was dismissed, I was out of there. Someone touched my shoulder as I made my escape, but I ignored them and just walked faster, practically floating down the stairs and out the door. When I finally pulled into my driveway and turned off my car, all was silent. As I sat there with the clouds rolling in, I let my mind escape and go where it pleased. I couldn't help but feel in the same boat as the boy in the movie. I had told someone, and it was written off as a dream - that I must have just been mad at him for something and maybe I just remember getting a bath. Afterwards, we never spoke of it again. Lock it up and do NOT think about it again. Don't even think about thinking about it. The detective did not even take me seriously. I was just another 'goth misunderstood youth' looking for some attention.

I got home from work tonight. I had brought with me a bag of Doritos. My weakness. Chips. I had not felt any real emotion all day, so I knew this was going to be bad. I made a milkshake to help get it all up. Ice cream is good that way. Makes it easier. I ate my chips and drank my shake. Before I had left for work, I had had a veggie english muffin as well. After finishing those off, I was already pretty full on account of the milkshake. I made my way downstair where, in a haze, I grabbed a light english muffin, light jam, and peabutter. While I teffiryingly awaited my muffin to taost, I munched on a few crackers and a gingerbread man. I was full to bursting by the time I was finished. Grabbing my toilettries and laptop - to record and later punish myself by reliving it - and quietly slid the deadbolt into place. Shower to full blast to freeze. Record. Shut down and begin. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. Finally, no more is able to leak out. My stomach is groaning in empty protest as it tries to appease my pestering fingers. When I was sure there was nothing left, and I was on the verge of practically throwing up my own stomach - although that would be a few pounds (joking... mostly), I finally accepted that I had dome what I could. After showering, I force down three laxatives. Tomorrow is a new day. And hopefully a better one.

My mom calls. We talk about a friends pregnancy. She has recently lost weight and her doctors are.concerned. Eventually, I make the comparison to my beautifully this sister. Turns out sneak weighs 96 pounds. My LE. This sparks in me a new fire. New motivation. If sneak can do that without even trying, I can do it, surely, if I try. I cam and AM stronger than this. I have to be...

Once again, I can feel my eyes attempting to leak. To cry. Release this pain and ache that I am forever attached to that is my body. If I cannot escape it, I WILL fix it. No more excuses. I know I nave said this in the past, but if I am so tired of being alone and being scared, why am I not doing anything about it? Because I am scared. Try harder. They should not be the equivalents of your CW and she your LW. Unacceptable to the max.

And this marks the shift.

It's Not My Fault, Really

Wow. I was reading O.G.'s blog
and the last comment pasted in it really pisses me off. As seen, this ladt is 220 lbs and only 5'4''

I AM 5'4''. When I weighed 122 lbs in 8th grade, I was... in my opinion chunky, in others, perhaps 'healthy' and this lady says her healthy weight is 220. I just cannot wrap my head around this. My mouth just dropped, my mind, blank. Dumbfounded. I mean, why would people not want to get healthy and avoid serious problems because of excessively high weight later on in thier future. Does it not discust them that when they look down, they can barely, if at all, see thier feet?? That's just wrong on so many levels... I don't care if you've been fat all your life or whatever, take control, get healthy. She says she eats normally and exercises and hikes, ect, ect, ect. BUllshit. If there was some sort of medical issue, someone would have picked up on that for sure. I bet her idea of eating healthy is making fat foods at home rather than going out and stuffing her face.

I realize this is mean to say, but I'm angry atm so there ya go.

CW: 103.0

I am attempting to navigate and figure out Tumblr...

My Tumblr

Wonderland?

Today was... interesting to say the least. I had a 99 cent Moolatte because a friend bought some and I had yet to have anything yet. Then I had a bowl of Mini wheats. Purged until I was legit empty again. Didn't eat for the rest of the day. Then, I got home around 8pm, extremely, wonderfully empty, from my extra credit thing for History, decided to have a sugar free cafe drink (55 cals). About an hour later, (WARNING: THIS IS KINDA ICK, SO DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED TO READ) I - iunno, burp kinda. But those burps where... erm its not so pleasent(?). I had no intention of puking whatsoever, but I couldn't get it out of my mind. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but the thought would not escape me. So I did it. granted, it hurt SO bad, but it was worth it. Hopefully tomorrow I will not see a gain...

OK BAD PART OVER! :)

I have gotten myself back on wonderful track. The plan:
A yogurt or fruit when I get back from class (100)
Portioned Frozen Diet meal, weighted specifically for me (60-80 cals max) between 3 and 5pm, depending on my work schedule.

This is wuite effective for me, and keeps me from going over 300 calories as well as allows me to eat more than once, fooling my brain into thinking I am treating myself.

The Day of Reversal

As much as it hurts me to write this entry, I feel I owe what followers I have to at least let you know what has been happening...
CW:104.2

The past... month maybe, all I have wanted to do was eat. I wouldn't eat a shit-ton at once. It was more eat a cookie here. Have a cup of cereal there, but have, over the course of every day, for example:
small pack oatmeal, 3 cookies, a handful of chips, finish off the box of cereal, some more cookies. Purge. But this would be over the entire day...

I was down to 96, now am back up to 104. This entry marks the day of reversal. I will actually start paying for my food. :/ Please don't hate me. Also, I will only have enough food in the house for a few days. Also, paying for the food makes me try to not bunge a bit harder.

One upside to the past month, however, I am now the amazingly proud owner of a mint condition 03 Mustang. It is my baby. I refuse to eat in it, so that makes me extremely happy - no more driving around binging in my car.

Food has completely taken over. I can barely focus in my studies, because all I want to think about is what I will eat today and how I am going to keep myself busy and distracted enough to stay away from food and the bathroom.

Two weeks ago, I went to see Red Riding Hood with friends. We went to Unos, I said I had to stop at the store and would meet them for the movie, went to my work, purged, went to the movies. After the movie, another friend asked my ex how much she weighed. 107. I died a little inside. There is now was I can have the same BMI as her. She is 5'6'' so no. I need to loose this weight. Laxatives only every OTHER day... well, I'm trying. I got my period back. I really didn't want to tell you that, but I feel it will motivate me. I go home in about 18 days for Easter break. My Temporary GW for then is 99. That's it. Just 99.

The Versatile Blogger

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.


ver·sa·tile
adj.
1. Capable of doing many things competently.
2. Having varied uses or serving many functions.
3. Variable or inconstant; changeable.
4. Biology Capable of moving freely in all directions, as the antenna of an insect, the toe of an owl, or the loosely attached another of a flower.

Seven Things About Me... hmmm
1: I am an easy liar
2: I am terrified.
3: I act like I don't care and put up a face of indifference, when really, I am screaming and aching on the inside.
4: I am addicted to cutting and have a vice-like grip on my ED and hope it doesn't leave me.
5: The death and pain of animals affect me far more than most human suffering and death.
6: I am gay.
7: I am car-crazy. You have not seen the full extent until you see me freak out over a beautiful car. I own a GORGEOUS 03 Mustang, Standard, Mint cond.

And, tag, you're it!

>>http://dragonflyandamoth.blogspot.com
>>http://paperthinpowderwhite.blogspot.com/
>>http://collapsedbeauty.blogspot.com/
>>http://kellydrinkstea.blogspot.com/
>>http://myjourney-b-may.blogspot.com/
>>http://gauntvisage.blogspot.com/
>>http://stars-in-the-gutter.blogspot.com/
>>http://sk1nnylove.blogspot.com/
>>http://thincapacitated.blogspot.com/
>>http://anafairytale.blogspot.com/

Onward Downward

Going home today... Won't even have a chance to eat until probably five. So I will probably just have a pear today. I purposely wore my skinny jeans today, because they are a bit snug, so, whenever I think about eating, I am reminded how fat I am again because of my jeans.

Sunday, I am going to Uno's and then to see Red Riding Hood with friends. I am going to wear a pair of tighter jeggings again to make sure I don't stuff my face at Uno's. I WILL be in control again. And I will not lose this. I just can't. 101.2 this morning. Slowly but surely, getting there.

I found a couple peoople on prettythin who actually go to school right by me. That made me pretty happy. It just feel differently, interesting, to know there are other who you don't know right by you going through the same thing. It is different than to just assume, yea there are definitely others around here... But gotta go pack my car now. More later tonight.

XXX

Remains

Ever since I got back to -- school, from Spring Break, I just don't want to eat. Entire spring break and before that, that was ALL I wanted to do... The moment I got back practically, it was like a shift. Today, I was eating a Smart Ones Angel Hair Pasta dinner. I love those things. I was eating it and after a few bites, I decided that after I ate it, I was going to throw up. The only other thing I had had was a few swedish fish during classes cuz I was feeling funny, and a windmill cookie. But, I was eating the pasta dinner, and although I was enjoying the taste, I was not, in any sense, enjoying it being in my body. So, to be safe rather than sorry, and to avoid a binge later in the night, I decided to eat the dinner, to trick myself into thinking I had eaten, and then just go throw it up. It worked. I threw it up afterwards and now, I am completely satified. Took five laxatives afterwards (sadly) just to make sure everything comes out. Tomorrow I go home to, hopefully, buy a Mustang. I won't be getting home until about three, then right to the bank to tranfer money, then home, unpack. Clean. Maybe have a pear? We shall see. Prolly just some coffee.

This morning I was down to 101.4 at least. Lost two pounds since Tuesday!

Kirrari:I so missed your comments! Part of me wants to stop cutting, but the other part of me just finds it so beautiful. Is that twisted...?

SO my therapist from HS was talking to me yesterday on Facebook, and she asked me how my eating was... O.O ummm... i never told her about my eating. I fear my binging and purging when I was home the past two times did not go as unnoticed as I though. My sister sees her now as well, so I feel like I cannot tell either of them anything anymore. So be it. But, I just played it off and told her I was much better and feeling much healthier. I still don't know where exactly she got this from and it scares me greatly.

Also, I cannot remember if I said this before, but I do not believe I did... anyways! Ah yes, I did. About my mom finding the bloody gauze that I apparently forgot to clean up (ewey). I am scared she is going to ask me about it again when I go home this weekend. I will jsut tell her that I am not, that I will not prove anyhting to her, because she should believe me, and if that does not work, I may strike below the belt. Depends on how pushy she gets...

Today, I practically plastered my walls with my thinspo I have been collecting in my binders. It looks amazing. Beauty everywhere I look. All showing me how fat I still am, but how skinny I could be. It is doable and so close!

Pull You Back Down

It has been so long since I have posted, and for that, I am very sorry. Ever since I got back from winter break in January, it seems like I will go a day or two really well, but then, for three days, I will just binge and purge... ALL. DAY. LONG. I just got back from spring break, and, for some reason, I don't even want to eat. Before I left to go home, going into the kitchen meant eating three of four cookies, a few pieces of toast, some oatmeal, some pbj, going to the store to get more food, then purging in between. I got back form classes today, went into the kitchen, and was just repulsed. I had a 50 cal. applesauce, but could barely finish that. I also weighed myself AFTER i ATE...

102.9

I am going to not eat for the rest of the day, nor tomorrow. And only salad and fruit. No more fat. Period.

ALso, because of the constant lax usage... still no period.

Back to the reason I originally got on here today:
When I went home, I couldn't sleep in my room, because no one would get me firewood, which means no heat, which means my room was about fourty or fifty degree max, so I was sleeping in the livingroom on the loveseat, and getting dressed and such in my sisters room. Apparently, I left some bloody washcloth in her room... My mom called me and I told her I had cut myself shaving really bad... But now it keeps running through my mind what I am going to do this summer. It is going to be so fucking obvious... No point in stressing about it now, but I know I will.

Still feeling pretty numb since I got back. At first, I was sad, but now I'm quite apathetic... Glad that hollow in my stomach is back though.

I'll try to post more, sorry again for my long absence. Love ya

At This Velocity

*The Basics*
Name:: sAm
Sex:: female
Birthday:: 15 January
Age:: 19
Location:: Phoenix
Hair Color:: Brown
Eye Color:: Hazel, multi

*My Eating Disorder*
What Eating Disorders Do You Have:: I guess anorexia, although I feel like a fake saying that. It’s not really… Iunno, it’s just not ___
How Long Have You Had Them:: I realized something around the end of March 2010
Why Do You Have An Eating Disorder:: In a way to put it, I am good at it… It never leaves.
Are You Proud or Ashamed of Your Eating Disorder:: Do I have to pick only one… I don’t think I would use the words ‘Proud’ or ‘Ashamed’ more along the lines of… attached, security blanket….
Do People Know About Your Eating Disorder:: My best friend J. That’s it though.
Do You Wish People Knew About it:: No.
Do You Wish You Never Had An Eating Disorder:: Every day. In a way, though, I love it. It’s a love-hate relationship.
Do You Think The Media is Partially Responsible For Your Eating Disorder:: Nope.

*My Body*
Weight Before Eating Disorder:: I guess maybe 120s, back in eighth grade?
Height: 5'4’’
Current Weight:: 97
Highest Weight:: 125ish?
Lowest Weight:: 96
Are You Tired A lot:: Sometimes, yea kind of. Especially when I don’t have coffee, all I can do is sleeeep
Have You Ever Fainted:: Yea, but that was back in eighth grade, when not eating breakfast was foreign to me. All I had for breakfast was a pop-tart, and I was in a gym for a friend’s graduation ceremony. The gym was not air conditioned and probably 100 degrees. I used to eat a lot, I think. I don’t remember.
Are You Cold All The Time:: Kind of. Not ALL the time.
Do Your Ribs Show:: Yea.
Do Your Hipbones Show:: Oh yes. <3
Does Your Collar Bone Show:: Yep
Can You See Your Ribs Through Your Back:: Yes.
Do Your Thighs Touch:: Sometimes. My thighs are discusting.
Chest Size:: Bra: 32A. According to my tape measure,
Does Your Head Look Too Big For Your Body:: I’ve never really looked. I don’t focus it as a whole. I am either looking at my head, or at my body.
Are You Satisfied With The Way You Look Now:: No.
If You Could, What Would You Change About Yourself:: A lot. I wish my thighs were smaller. I wish I could get rid of the fat on my stomach. If I could afford it, laser hair removal would be bomb <3 I wish the fat on my chin would leave. The fat spilling over my jeans.
What Is Your B.M.I.::
What Do The Doctors Say is Your Ideal Weight:: I avoid the doctor like the Plague, now. All I know is, when I was 103, I was apparently in the twelfth percentile, that’s all I know..
What Do You Think Is Your Ideal Weight:: I guess probably between 115 and 125, but that is unacceptable. Disgusting. FAT.

*My Thinspirations*
Who Are Your Thinspirations:: The Versace models. My sister. Real girls.
Who is Your Favorite Thinspiration:: I don’t really have one…
Who is Your Second Favorite Thinspiration:: Again.
Why Do You Envy Them:: Because I want them. They are gorgeous.
What's The Best Thing About Them:: Their thighs don’t touch no matter how much they squeeze them together. They don’t have a double chin.
What's The Worst Thing About Them:: They are probably sad too.
Would You Trade Places With Them If You Could:: No. I am me, sAm I am.

*My Mind*
Do You Consider Your Eating Disorder a 'Disorder':: No. It’s just something that IS.
Are You Pro-Ana/Pro-Mia:: Based on the fact that I do not have a very clear idea what this is exactly, I am going to skip this question.
Would You Ever Want Your Best Friend To Have An Eating Disorder:: No. Just thinking about it makes me cry.
What Are Your Disordered Eating Habits:: laxative abuse, calorie counting, exercise counting (miles, times, calories), cutting out specific food groups, safe foods, impulsive spitting (like putting something in my mouth and then suddenly spitting it out), caffeine, SF candy/gum, diet pills, occasional purging, fasting, always trying to feed everyone else.
Are You Obsessive Compulsive:: I don’t think so.
Are You A Perfectionist:: On some accounts. My makeup, my clothes; it has to at least appear perfect before I leave. The entire time I couldn’t wear makeup because of my wisdom teeth, I was going crazy - especially in school.
Do You Have Depression:: I suppose I do. I wish I didn’t.
Are You A Cutter:: I don’t like that word, but yes.
Have You Ever Been Suicidal:: I want to live forever
Have You Ever Attempted Suicide:: Again, I want to live FOREVER AND EVER
Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Mental Reasons:: no.
Have You Ever Been Hospitalized For Your Eating Disorder:: nope.
Do You Have Body Dismorphic Disorder:: I don’t think so.

*Your Life Outside Your Disorder*
Favorite Color:: Does black count? A three way between purple, green, and blue.
Favorite Movie:: Boys Don’t Cry, The Holiday, 10,000 B.C.
Favorite Book:: Oh, that’s absolutely impossible to answer. At the moment, Unbearable Lightness, by Portia de Rossi
Favorite T.V. Show:: Ellen, Criminal Minds. I don’t watch TV really, anymore. No access to the broadcasting thingy.
Favorite Season:: Fall. It is cold enough to get away with wearing long sleeves and no one notices, but not so cold that I have to be inside all the time.
Favorite Day of The Week:: …?
Favorite Time Of Day::. Early summer, early fall, in the morning when the sun is at the perfect angle and I can just sit in the grass with Max. Peaceful.
Favorite Holiday:: I don’t like holidays. They make me be mean, for some reason.
Favorite Hobby:: Reading.
Favorite Actor:: So many for many, many different reasons. Johnny Depp.
Favorite Actress:: Natalie Portman, Hillary Swank, Angelina Jolie
Favorite Musician:: hmmm.
Do You Have Any Pets:: Max, my best friend, a mutt. Jack, a lab. Raven, my bob tailed kitty. Joey, my baby and attention whore kitty.
What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time:: Read, crochet, chill in the peace and quiet.

*The Future*
What Do You Want To Study In College:: I am studying Psychology and Criminal Justice.
What Career Do You Want:: Eating Disorder Speacialist.
Do You Ever Want To Get Married:: I can’t see it.
Do You Ever Want Kids:: Yes.
Where Do You Want To Live:: Somewhere that is quiet, that makes me happy when I come home.
Will You Have Any Pets:: Always.
What Type of House Do You Want:: I love the little cottage in The Holiday. I could see myself living there.
What Goals Do You Have That Are Unrelated To Your Eating Disorder:: To one day own a Tiburon again. Or a similar car that makes me beam at the thought of it. Oh yea!
What's Your Number One Priority:: To get to my UGW. Whatever that may be, to be happy (whatever that is).
How Do You Think You Will Die:: I like to think I won’t.
When Do You Think You WIll Die:: Hopefully, not for a very very long time.
Will You Be Missed By Anyone:: Max. Probably my friends and family I guess.
Will You Have Any Regrets:: Everything that happened made me who I am today. Without them, I would be a different person.
Will You Have Any Unfinished Business:: Doesn’t everyone?
Will Your eating disorder still be affecting you:: I highly doubt it will ever really be gone.

Feel free to use this. I got it from O.G. on Wanting Is Never Enough. AMAZING blog. You should all go read :)


I've been really busy with classes lately, I'll update when I can...

Find My Way Back

SO, after thinking about it, I realized whenever I try to spur of the moment fast, I always end up eating a shit-ton of junk food. So, correction to my fast through wednesday:

Instead, I will fast Sunday and tuesday and every two days. The two days in between the fasts, I am going to stay under 200 calories. I am also going to start using the treadmill on campus. I am going to start going at night after work when hopefully it will not be too busy. It will probably be difficult, but much more effective in the long run than my fast. Because, really, if I am being realistic, I know at some point if I try to fast, I am going to seriously binge - of which I am tired of doing.

Yesterday, I also got a couple more workout DVDS. I got three Jullian Michaels (Beginners, Matabolism Boost, and a Cardio), I got the ELLE cardio and the yoga one, and I also have this Valerie Bertinelli one. I did three stages of the Metabolism Boost one today. It was very good. Very inclusive. I am going to start doing that in the morning before I get ready for class and before I shower at night.

As of this monring, I was 100.0. I had already had coffee, however. Tomorrow is my fasting day. It should be pretty simple. I have a meeting for work at 830, then I work 11 to 3 (probably get out at 2). Then I have to come back to study for a stats test on Monday and write a paper. I just wish I could check out for a while. I don't want to think about school anymore. I wish I could just leave. But I know to do what I want, I have to stay put.

I have had today:
Good Belly Probiotic Juice Drink (50)
3 Cookies :( (220)
1 Serving high fiber Triscuit Crisps (130)
TOTAL: 400

With the workout I did earlier, I would guess I burned about 200. I did the warm up, then three of the seven levels.

Hopefully, because of the cookies, I do not see a weight gain tomorrow.

Comment Replies

Kirrari Sings:
I am very much in love with your blog. I am trying to stop my super bad habits, but it is slow going. Any advice on what I should try to at least help me get over the last couple days of the really bad laxatives? I really appreciate your coomments, by the way. I really do.

Jecks:
I love you, too. Forever and always of course. I may have to take you up on that offer in a few days. We shall see how things pan out. See you soon!

Fast

I am going to do a liquid fast through until Wednesday. I am above 100 again because of yesterday. My car is horrifically broken, and I freakerd out and just ate soo much. However, I had 25 laxatives, then when I got home, I purged most of it. Then took 13 this morning after seeing that number on the scale. 101.6. Unacceptable. So, I will be fasting through today until Wednesday. I can have huice coffee, ect. Thats it. Only liquids. And, even though I hate doing so, I am going to start using the gym at my uni until I get my gym membership. Gotta go to class, but lots to update later

Fairy Tales

I'll post some pictures tonight of myself. I am fascinated by them for some reason.

Last night, I had to write a paper for my Intro Lit class of what a certain poem meant to us. It was a formalist view, so we had to pick just a few lines from the 131 line poem and reflect on it. T.S. Eliot's 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'

If you have not read ot, which you probably have not, you certainly should.

I chose the last eight lines of the poem:

I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown. (ll. 124-131)

I wrote about how happy endings are those of only fairy tales, how love is dedead, and we don't always get what we want, that the outcomes are not always pretty with silver linings and a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, there is just a brick wall, or a cliff.

When I reread it, I was kind of sad. It was a very cynical paper, but true all the same. I am very intersted in what the Prof. has to say about it, because most people are writing about how you shouldn't regret anything, or something about religion, or how women are not things. ANd here I am writing a ridiculously cynical paper on love. My title was 'Fairy Tales: This is Not a LOve Story, There Are No Happy Endings'

Inferno

One translation, from the Princeton Dante Project, is:

"If I thought my answer were given
to anyone who would ever return to the world,
this flame would stand still without moving any further.
But since never from this abyss
has anyone ever returned alive, if what I hear is true,
without fear of infamy I answer you."

The past weekend was a complete disaster. There is no other way to describe it. I am, however down to 97.2, but besides the point. Doesn't Count, as far as I am concerned. Friday was the lady I live with's birthday, and party. Thankfully I had to work. However, when I got home, they had left a bunch of snacks and cookies and chips and cake. It was essentially everything I tend to binge on: pretzels, ritz crackers, cookies, goldfish, chocolatey foods, cake, and sweet bread. It was bad, although I guess it could have been worse. I was eating so much every night. TO fix this, today when I get home, I am going to throw away the things that are almost empty and tell the other girl here that I ate them. The things that are not even open, I am not going to touch. I will not even open that cupboard anymore.

I have learned how to effectively purge better though. I have also, though, started laxatives again. 20 last night, 15 the night before, and ten the night before that. My stomach was in so much pain this morning, I didn't even go to my first class. I have to go to my second one, though, fer sure. I have an exam on Thursday, so I have to figure things out.

Lately, I feel emotionally dead. Ever since I came back from break, really, it's like I am simply going through the motions. The days blur together, with no end in sight. The only thing I really FEEL anymore, is when I am cutting. And I have definitely been doing a lot of that. Really quick deep slashes. My side, my chest, my arm, my legs... I am going to run out of room soon enough. Part of my wants to stop, but another part of me hold onto it like a lifeline.

I used to be sad that I didn't really have any friends here, but now I don't want any. There a couple people who are trying to get together and hang out with me, and, yea, I will talk to them in class, well it's actually only one person, but I just don't want to get too close to anyone. I will be leaving soon, not coming back, and besides, if anyone gets too close, that could be a very big problem. It is hard enough keeping things a secret to begin with.

Tell Me Purple

Size: 00 (US)
Age: 19
Highest Weight: 122 ish lbs
Lowest Weight: 96 lbs
Goal Weight: 84 lbs

Favorite Diet Food?
Cream of Celery Soup, Fat Free Yogurt, Coffee,Skinny Water

Favorite Binge Food?
Pizza, Bagels, Cereal, Cookies, Baked goods

Favorite Exercise?
Jumping Jacks, Treadmill, Stair-stepper,

Thinspo?
Versace models, Real girls I see while I am out, especially in class.

What Makes You Slip Up?
When I am at work an think about the cookies and have to make them, The Kitchen, being bymyself when I am craving.
What Makes You Strong?
Surprisingly enough, cooking for others, my scale, seeing the pictures of myself at my highest.
When Did It Start?
It really really started March 2010. But slowly festered a few months before that.

Does Anyone Know?
My best friend, J. I think my ex girlfriend suspects. And of course all my readers!

Do You Want Help?
I don't need help. 'Help' will make me fat.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
300.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
At first, sometimes, I like what I see, but upon closer examination, I see fat. I see where there should be more space, less fat. More concave.

Are You In A Relationship?
No. And I think I like it better that way.

Is It For Attention?
No... No one even knew or suspected until I came back for break from college. J asked me and I didn't deny it... In a way it was almost relief.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
Thin. But I can be thinner. I know it.

Are You Depressed?
I wish I wasn't

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
I don't want to die. Ever.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
8th grade to my senior year in High School. She never knew about my eating. We grew to friends rather than anything else. I only told her the happy things the last year and a half.

Are You On Any Medication?
No. Well, for my wisdom teeth, but that's temporary :)

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[tendancy] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[ ] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia
[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[ ] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[ ] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat
[ ] being single
[x] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people

I NEED -
[ ] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[ ] more friends
[ ] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[ ] a gym membership
[ ] to lose 50 lbs
[] to lose 30 lbs
[2x] to lose 10 lbs

The Promise

CW: 98.8

My uni was closed today because of the storm that I guess hit a lot of people. I didn''t even know about it until last night when I was told classes were cancelled, because I don't watch TV. Good thing I get texts or I would have gone to class.

Yesterday, I ate a small low fat piece of danish. I felt really horrible, eating solid food that caloric after all my hard work. So, I took 5 laxatives. I know I shouldn't have, but I dod, so whatevs. I feel so clean. Empty. Tomorrow is going to be a fast day, because I have class 8 to 11, then I work 1130 to 730, with a half hour break probably around 4. I'm not sure what I will be eating today. Probably just a yogurt (90).

My wisdom teeth are getting better. My stitches are starting to come out, finally. It's kind of weird, actually.

So far today, I have had half a pitcher of iced coffee (1 pot coffee(0), 1 1/2 cup fat free milk(135), Splenda(0). That's it. I figure I will eat at 3PM. That way it will give me time to digest it before bed so I don't waste calories and they turn into fat.

I was on myfitnesspal.com, and it told me that if I kept eating how I was eating, I would be down to 87 in 5 weeks. Seeing that made me have a whole new motivation. 87 is a very pretty number, don't you think.

Lots of homework to catch up on, but definitely more laters.

Hello Goodbye

In less than two hours I will be heavily sedated. When I wake up, my wisdom teeth will be gone and in Thor place a lot of pain.

I have good news and I have bad news. I am vegan no more. I do see the reasons for it but being vegan has me binging like crazy. I used to eat say, a yogurt and 60 calories of a healthy choice meal. Being vegan, I couldn't do that as well. So now it is back to strict restricting. I have to get down to 98 by next Friday. Definitely doable. I did not bring mg scale back home with me, regrettably. When I left yesterday, I was back the fuck all the way to 103.4. It is so hard for me to see hhat number. It is a discusting fat number. 5 pounds in 7 days. Definitely.

A friend of mine, Kristiin was going to go with me today, but she set her alarm wrong so I told her just to. Not worry about it.

Wish me luck! Love yous

XXX

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False Advertising

I was right. It is easier to be alone than try to make something work that shouldn't couldn't wouldn't. There's this guy that works next door to me back home, he goes to a local uni by me and we went to the same high school, hes two years older than me. A really sweet guy. I say that with a slight scowl, however. I went on a date, I guess, with him tonight. We just went to the movies. At first, I thought it was going to be okay. I had that 'date' jitters or whatever. I was glad to be there. Although he's at least a foot taller than me. But anyways, a little while into the movie he put his hand on my knee. Before he did that, I was okay, I was all nervous and such like when you are on a first date, but the moment he touched me, I felt... I'm not sure the exact word, but dirty, cheap, a liar.
Tease. Fake. Closet. Fall.
I didn't do anything. Didn't really move to acknowledge that it was ok or not. just. sat. there. After the movie, I gave him a big hug. I have needed a hug for a long time. That is definitely true. Hugs can hold you together. They can squish everything back into place sometimes. However, afterwards he kissed me. Just a small peck, but still. I smiled, he said we would get together next week when I was feeling better from my teeth. I didn't really say anything and I got in my car. The second he drove away, everything ceased. Then the wave hit me. I felt so guilty. I kept thinking about what a horrible person I am. I should not be dating anyone, because I don't even know what I want and shouldn't bring anyone else down with me. I zoned out the entire drive home and even missed my exit. It took everything just to drive in my own lane straight.

Sorry about the pity post, it jsut helps for some reason.