Up

Today's intake:
4 subway cookies... (two right before I weighed myself)
1 small sweet potato, baked plain with skin.

I weighed myself when I got home from work, right after I ate two of the cookies. I was at 100.6. Epic fail. My little brother, awesome dude, got up when I got home. O guess they all, my family, went to friendly's for dinner. He told me what he ate and it was more calories or even food than I have eaten in the last week. He has the following:
Two chocolate milks
A plate of chicken slides, no cheese
A whole side of waffle fries (that's a lot of fries alone!)
A bowl of mandarin oranges
A few bites of his ice cream and then he brought the rest home.

He was telling me all this and I just wanted to like. He said his stomach hurt from eating so much and the thought actually occurred to me to tell him to go throw it up then, why don't you. Am I really that fucked that I would tell my eleven, almost twelve, year old brother to go throw up...? I didn't, but the fact that it even occurred to me just pisses me the fucked off.

Seeing the number 100.6 on the ace tonight made me rely sad. I know it's from those cookies. There was no excuse for my eating them... I don't know, I've been doing so well. But things will be better. They just have to be. By the time I go back to school on the 18th, I have to be down to at least 94. That is more than do-able. Especially with my tongue being stupid like it has been. It is looking better though if it a little.

Have another date/non date tomorrow morning. Morning cuz I work at night. But then she decides to tell me that after she goes out with me, she's going out with her ex bf. I know her and I will probably never get back together, I totally blew it years ago, but oh well. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone going from crush to crush forever. That is until I actually give up and just say fuck it. Which is surely not far off.

Update after the whatever you want to call it tomorrow. Night all

XXX

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To Be Would Be A Wonderful Thing, Indeed

As if yesterday, I was at 99.8. I didn't eat anything all day until got home. I had three small quarters of sweet potato and water. I was so so full. I hava to mail in my ticket today for my overdue inspection, $135. Ouch.

Better post later. This is a pretty uneventful one. Although such a pretty name, yes?

XXX

Drop Dead Lonely

Today. Christmas. It was the same thing as every other year... I get to thinking that today will be different. That today I might actually manage to be in a good mood. That I won't be miserable all day for no expandable reason. Well, too dammit bad. Today was NOT a different day unlike all the others. It was just the same. Except I didn't blow up at anyone. I guess that's progress, yes? It's just that sometimes I get in these moods that I will be randomly pissed off or upset or so fucking down that I can't explain it.

On a better note, yesterday as you know, I was down to 101.6. Today, all I had was a small cinnamon roll with no frosting, reduced fat of course. And I had a. Small scoop of squash. I had it before I went out to my grandparents house, that way, when I got out there the rest of my family was already there and I just told them that I was full. I left after a while so they wouldn't notice that I hadn't eaten anything. They thought I was going to a friends house and when they got home I told them I stuffed myself full at her house. And its already eight o'clock so I won't be eating anything else tonight. It probably wasn't the best idea in the world, but for some reason I took two laxatives when I got home around six maybe. They were the last two left in my package that I bought just after thanksgiving and they were just taunting me. I bought more, so I guess why not use up the last two and then I can start fresh.

Also, tomorrow being Sunday, it is a fast day. And good thing is that I work twelve to eight. The first four hours are with this hi who I am pretty sure restricts too. She has lost at least fifteen pounds since xhalloween. She eats like a bird kinda, so its always been easy to not eat around her. Maybe by Monday I will have broken the triple digit barrier!

Something my sister said really.got to me when I got home last week. We were in her room, because she has a good sized mirror that i can do my hair and makeup in. And I for some reason I mentioned to her that I had lost most if the weight I gained in college. She asked me all obnoxious-like if I was less than a hundred pounds. But the was she asked it, there was a hint of jealousy in her voice. I wouldn't tell her how much I weighed and she said, "if you weigh less than a hundred pounds I'm going to hit you. If you weigh less than me I'm going to hit you harder, because I've been trying to get to at least a hundred pounds and I stuff my face and I can't get there." I wanted to cry. But I didn't, because that would have sparked more questions and I've been so good at hiding this for so long, no point in ruining it now.

Also, since I got my tongue pierced, my throat has been in so much pain. At night it gets worse, as throat soars usually work out. But even though it has gotten somewhat better, it still hurts so much. I was talking to my friend J, although he wasn't quite in the conversation - seemed kind of distracted and whatnot - but said it might have something to do with all the purging I was doing and trying to force myself to do. But that as a couple weeks ago. Why would it o.ly start when I got my tongue pierced?

My blogs have been a lot longer lately. It's because being home, I still haven't really Hung out with my old friends. I say old because it seems we have already grown.apart. but whatever. I don't have much else to do and not many others to talk to. So, like the pathetic person I am, I talk to the internet in my head in a way... if that made any sense at all.

"The truth is beautiful, without doubt, but so are lies."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

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Your Love Is A Lie

CW: 101.6

I got my tongue pierced on Monday. I haven't really eaten much since then. A couple bites of applesauce, a few glasses of light soy milk. I did have two pieces of a cheese sheet pizza on Wednesday at a friends Christmas cookie swap party. It was fun. Got to see all my old friends again my ex girlfriend...

Speaking of which... after the party, I went back to her house to watch Toy Story 3. Never happened. Not much really happened. But I had fun. We played dirty truth or dare and also the foreplay game. They were apps downloaded onto my phone. But yea, the game was quite against me. After about ten minutes, I was down to my underwear. I certainly wasn't complaining too much though. However, I can't kiss with my tongue ring right now so it was quite hard... I wanted to so fucking bad, but she still seems to want her ex back. They are still friends, but iunno. I just can't deal with anymore pain. Heartbeat. Disappointment. Confusion. I'm not really sure. I just, I guess I feel baf, liking someone even though I don't even know for sure WHO I like. I'm just confused. No one wouldnwant this. A fucked up ball of whatever it is that I am.

But she also brought up the fact that I have never had another girlfriend besides her. I guess I was just scared. People were.so mean. I got it into my head that everyone was like that. I realize now that they aren't. It's not as simple as that, but that's all I've got. For now, anyways.

Since I've been home, I haven't cut. Trays something at least. Oh! So, my meeting with ms. Sugar. My therapist from high school. Turns out, my sister was there too. So it wasnt really much of anything. I guess when I hey back, maybe ill go see someone, maybe I won't. We'll just have to wait and see.

More tomorrow. Person to see. :)

XXX

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To stop Is To Love

So I got my tongue pierced yesterday for the second time. Hurts like a bitch. But good news is I haven't eaten anything since yesterday at one pm' I had a small bowl of raisin branp with fat free milk. It's right now 5 o'clock the next day and I am glad to say the only thing I have had is ice water. The thing is, I'm not even really very hungry. I think what I am going to do is keep up this fast until tomorrow. Then, tomorrow at whenever I get up, I will have some applesauce and try to maybe have some coffee.

Going to go tak e a nap now. More later probably...
XXX

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Almost Alice

CW: 102.4

So, I go home in about two and a half days… I am so scared. It just hit me that I am going to have to see people. Like, people that I used to think were my friends and now which are people I don’t care if I see or not. Well, I think I don’t care at least. It wouldn’t really surprise me if I truly did indeed care about them still. It’s just that, well, maybe I don’t WANT to care? If I could just be at least 102 by the time I go home. The first thing I am going to do I’d go to the gym; before I even go home. I am going to get off the thruway in Liverpool and go to the gym and then I’ll be able to get in the shower when I get there and be all ready to go bowling with my sister.
I am all packed ready to go home. I just don’t want to be HERE anymore. Although, I know it will be the same thing when I get there. I won’t want to be THERE anymore and will want to be here again - but hey, maybe not. I am not as lonely there as I am here. That is for damn sure. I don’t really have too many friends, but that is really my own doing. I know if I wanted to, I could probably make a bunch of friends, but I am not sure I do. No, I do not. I enjoy the… not quiet, but, maybe the, ease I suppose. It is so much easier. Yes, that’s it. Easier.

Laxitives are bad yet so fucking wonderful. Gotta go. More in a bit.

And Let the Birds Sing

I just got done reading Portia de Rossi's memoir, Unbearable Lightness. HA! And I thought I liked Wasted... I think I have a new favourite. I really felt like I was often reading about myself. It really did help me more than I could have ever imagined. Lately, I have been really at odds with myself.

I recently went on a not date with my ex. It wasn't really a date, jsut friends, but I am sad to say that, to me, it really truely felt like one. And that hurts more than anything. We were originally going to just go have lunch, but as she usually does, she slept in. So, we went to dinner at friendly's and then saw Tangled. Really good movie. But yea, granted everything I ate later ended up in the toilet, and all through the movie I was resisting the urge to hold her and and more... it was a good time. The weird thing was, she was sending me mixed signals... She kept going on about how her and her bf had broken up. And how, beofre she came over to my house, he asked her when her and I were finally going to have sex. And when I mentioned I really wanted to find someone, like to be with and dateand soemone who wasnt ashamed of me and someone who would be happy to jsut hang out at home rather than have to party, she kept saying how she was single. It was all very confusing. And, all day before we got together, I was in such a good fucking mood. Didn't even THINK about food. My sister even commented on my elated mood. Usually, when I see my friends, guy or girl, I will give them a hug, as well as when we part. However, with Kristin, I didn't even touch her all night except the accidental bumping into her... I don't want to read into it, but I cannot help it...

On another note, Yesterday was a very interesting day...
I got back from class, ate three of those personal size bags you get from like say, subway, of spicy sweet doritos. Then, I puked them all up until I was practically puking my stomach up...As I go, I keep finding better techniques to do it. When I was doing it yesterday, my finger was practically halfway down my throat. It was so easy. Grandted it took a bit longer, but it was pretty good otherwise. Well, I guess I wouldn't say good per se. And that happened at around oneish... The rest of the day I couldn't even think about eating. AND i lost more weight. I guess I can tell you guys how much fucking weight I have gained while being with him and then going to school...


The first time I weighed myself after being at school for a montha nd doing drugs for over a month before that, I weighed almost one hundred and fourteen fucking pounds. I practically ran through the wall to get away form that damn scale. I am now, as of this morning, 106.2

I know that is still fucking nasty, but, idea from unbearable lightness, I have stuck index cards on my wall right where I have to look at them all the time, that is each listed with a weight, pound by pound, down to 92. Every time I pass a pound, the card gets taken off. I was so fucking happy to be able to take down the 107 one this morning!

I haven't really eaten anything per se today. I sadly did have a 2 bite size snickers and three bite size reeses santas.... imagine the fucking calories! but that is all. I did have a cup of coffee with one oacket of truvia and 2/3 cup of light vanilla soymilk. It certainly was not as good as the coffee creamer, but did have WAY less calories. about 6o versus prolly at least 100. Tomorrow, I will try it with an extra packet or truvia and maybe that will make it better. Maybe some of those flavour packets that are no calorie for coffee. wow, my coffee is going to be more complex preparation than that of a fucking recipe. :)

I am currently at Panera, using the internet. I am quickly feeling like I am moer a burden than help for them at the place I live. I don't know aht to do. Every time I talk to my landlady person, it feels like she really wants to tell me to get the fuck out of her mothers home but won't because I have no where else to go. When I go home over break for Christmas,I am going to bring a bunch of my stuff back with me and only keep the stuff there that I really need, jsut in case I DO end up getting kicked out, although I don't think they will. Kick me out I mean.

Also, I can't seem to stop cutting. I think I have mentioned this before. But, I have realized if i cut a certain way I can go deeper, more blood, prettier scars, with less pain. It is not about the pain for me. It is more about seeing the blood come and then, when they are all healed, It makes me feel so good to see those scars. Analyze that as you may, but I don't know. everyone I have heard, they usually say it is the pain, that the pain makes them forget, even if for a minute and focus on something else. Not for me. When I am cutting, It is almost like whatever is making me feel that way, It is intensified tenfold. And when I look at that scar, I remember all over again, but then it's like, I get through it and then something else comes along.

A line just popped into my head.



They are the blueprints for my hell.
Tracking my pain across the surface of my self.
Bringing it for all to see. Don't let them see.
She may look all she wants.
She is my heart.
Holding me as I curl up
Alone
With no one to witness
This show they call life.


Wow... I really like that. I was listening to Armor for sleep and a line from Williamsburg caught my attention. Intrigue. This si quite a long post.

Also, about my 'not-date.' She saw the cuts. She say my stomacha nd my arm (although not the new ones. She would probably have freaked out if she were to see what my arm looks like now....) but she saw them, gave me a hug, and that was that. She didn't badger me or give me a pitying look. And for that I am grateful. I am very very grateful.

The thing is, when I went home for Thanksgiving break, something struck me as really odd. I thought for a second that I wasn't going to be able to hang out with Kristin, and I got really upset. However, I had a few opportunities to see who I thought was one of my better firends,even though we ahve only beenf riends for about a year and a half, but I really didn't care. I knew I should have felt bad, but I didn't. I really didn't...

I was afraid that would happen, but I never thought I woould reconnect with my old friends. Some of them anyways. I pretty much deserted them in high school. Well, there's really no 'pretty much' about it. I did. And for that I am ashamed.

Now the food is tempting and it seems to be all I can think of, so that is my cue to leave. Head over to the bookstore. I am in the mood for some good poetry. More tomorrow morning.

Love you all stay strong


XXX

Half Buried

This one is the one I am working on right now. I am adding lines here and there as I go. But, here it is... Be niice please :)


We all play a role

Why are you so empty?
When your palce is so full
Come back
Bring me with you
AlonelonelyAlonelonely
Challenge me.
Call me on my due
You,
As like the hallow I cannot place
Flow to me like a river to the sea.

So there ya go.

Here:


But what to do
When your mind has become
Your heart threatens to burst from you chest
And the one standing there is not the one
Making your heart yearn for a separate home
Yet the same?

Different Ways of the Same Thing

Hunger and Fullness are virtually the same feeling. But I like Hungry better. Fullness and I have a Love Super Hte relationship.

Run out of my shoes.

I am really scared to go home. I don't remember if I posted this before, but if so, well, I guess I'm posting it again. I will be home for six days and five nights. Not really looking forward to it as much as you would think. I mean, I am kind of happy. But, I am pretty sure I won;t be as happy to seee all my old friends as much as I hoped or thought I would. Really, I hope I get to work a lot and that way I won't feel as obligated to do so. And I'll be able to go to my gym again. Get my run on (wow that was lame). Damn, there is this girl sitting in Panera. Oooooh :D Please and thank YOU. :D:D:D:D

Oh well. Alone is certainly better, in some ways. But whatever ya. I sometimes wish everything could just stop. Like, I could stop worrying. Stop being so fucking sad. Stop just... Stop. Not stop existing I guess, but to jjust stop for a while. Too bad that isn't going to happen, but I can dream I spose.

I am just so fucking sick of hurting when I watch just about any movie. If someone were to ask me one thing I could have RIGHT NOW, it would be for someone to come along and really mean it and come up and give me a hug from behind and whisper something to me. And. Really. Mean. It. That is such a wonderful feeling. To have someone care.

I mean, why do we all even yearn for that. For someone ELSE to care about us. Is it really not enough to care about ourselves. Although, I guess many of us don;t. Care. What does that even mean????

The only thing I ate today was half a bag of fat free lays potato chips. As soon as I got out of work I went to study so as not to end up eating. This seems to be avery good distraction. Studying, I mean. HA Who woulda known. Also, I made a list the other day of things I can and do do when I feel like I am going to cave. Enjoy!


Tips:
1.: Crochet
2.: Write poetry
3.: Write in journal
4.: Go to the store. Browse.
5.: Read a book/magazine
6.: Have something to drink
7.: Clean my room
8.: Make To Do and other lists
9.: Take a shower
10.: Exercise
11.: Go for a run
12.: Study/Do Homework
13.: Surf the internet
14.: Watch a movie
15.: Call someone… maybe not.
16.: Do some much needed laundry
17.: Do the dishes
18.: Cook something very intricate and time consuming
19.: Do hair/makeup
20.: Reorganize clothes
21.: Make bed
22.: Clean car
23. Vacuum/sweep
24.: Play a card game
25.: Play Sudoku or other ‘board’ game
26.: Make a collage
27.: Weigh yourself. Think of what would happen to that number if you ATE!
28.: Look at yourself naked in the mirror. Can you? Didn't fucking think so.
29.: Do a jigsaw puzzle
30.: Go to a coffee shop. Study there
31.: Go window shopping
32.: Reorganize shelves and belongings.
33.: Brush teeth and double mouthwash
34.: Repaint your nails
35.: Get a colouring book and crayons
36.: Think of tattoo ideas
37.: Think of all the things you have to do that day. Plan out your time in increments


SO there ya go. Hope you like it. There's other things you could do course. But this is the basic list for what I do. HA, don't I have SUCH an exciting existance. Yea, I know...

The Hollow in my Heart

Has reached my mind.

Yesterday, I did give in. I had five oreos with half a cup of fat-free milk. Today, I have not had anything other than about two pots of coffee. HA! I woke up, studied for my exam. TOOK my exam. Came to Panera's to study some more and get on the internet. Hoorah for free wifi. :) I kinda of feel like leaving now, but I don't really want to go home yet, because it's only 530pm. I sadly don't really have anyhomework. Yea, sadly. But, I don't really know what to do.

As I said before, I have gained the freshmen ick! But I am fast on my way to loosing it. In the past week I have lost three pounds. I would have lost more, but of course, my Sunday cowfest put me quite back. But, that was and is the last time I will do that. It has to be. I have somehow started writing, well, attempting, to write peotry again. I used to do it all the time back in middle school. But, I was in abnormal psych and it jsut started to pop into my head. They prof would say something and then I would start to add to it. I don't have them with me, but next time I am able to get on, I will post some of them. There is one that I am seriously working on. It's far from finished, but I am really liking it so far. The line from above is from it.

Wow, I've been at Panera's for four hours now. And I haven't really been tempted to get something. I told myself that at 5 I could eat something. But, I think I might get something from teh store instead. Less calories and all. I really do wanst a breadbowl with the fat free soup. That would be pretty niice. And I havent really eaten anything in two days. I think ehat I will do is have the bread-bowl and then again tomorrow I will fast. But actually do it. No cookies. Oh, yea after I ate those oreos yesterday, I threw the rest of the package in the trash. I've been doing that a lot lately. If there is something that I have and am really being tempted my it, I will just throw it out. It seems to be working, yes.

I've also been writing a lot in an actual journal. It is easy to carry around and I tend to think differently when I am writing to myself. Even though not many people read this, I feel like I am talking to someone rather than just writing.

I DO want a soup. But I really don't like eating in front of people. Especially a crouded cafe. I don't think I'd be able to do it. And besides it cost quite a bit more money. Yea, I think I'll jsut stop at the store on my way home. Now that I think about it, Seeing as my car is breaking, I should prolly get going so I don't get stranded in the middle of the night. AND I only have highbeams on my car now. So that's quite bad too. ha.

Well, I think my time is about up here. Love ya, talk laters.

LOVE all you followers. YOU ARE AWESOME!!!

XXX

Sudden Shift

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Myn laptop cord broke and I just got a new one. But now, the interent at my house isn't working, so whenever I get a chance to go to a wifi spot, I'll get here. Things havent been too good lately, although, in the last four days all I've eaten is a bag of caramel hard candies, gum, gum, gum, and one healthy choice frozen meal. I was finally losing the weight and over the weekend I fucked it up again. I jsut ate and ate.

Recently, for like three days straight, I was purging EVERYTHING I ate. no matter what it was. But all of a sudden, I physically couldn't do it. No matter how much I ate, or how fur I shoved my finger dopwn my fucking throat, it jsut wouldn't come. I could tell it was there and almost coming, but for a fucking hour I tried and tried and sliced my finger up nicely from my teeth. My throat is so painful. But it was worth it.

And, because I cannot do taht, well, i guess that means I cannot eat either. Yesterday the only reason I ate was because my landlords so to speak came over and make fat free vegatarian soup for me and it would have been rude not to. And today, I haven't eaten anything at all. I have been studying my ass off for this exam tomorrow. But, gotta go cuz I ahve to be home. Love ya.

XXX

And Which Way Would That BE??

I am pretty tired right now, but I don't fancy sleeping either... There really isn't a reason not to sleep, except that I have no right to do so. There is no reason to. I have not earned it. I am a failure upon the world that is a great bump in the road that they will soon flatten from continually running over and over again. What to do then?

Monday I am supposed to call about my other job at McDonalds, but I am not sure if I especially want the job anymore... I am not really happy at subway, but I am quite sure I would be less so at Mcds. And besides, McDs is even worse off than Subway. And I would be getting more hours, but less pay. I think I should just stick here and keep it at that for now... I was also thinking about applying for a seasonal job somewhere, that would be pretty nice; --crap my battery is going to die. write morelater!

XXX

Back on Track

I am finally back on track. For a while, I lost my control. I was going to get my tongue pierced again to FORCE myself into it and stop myself. Not myself, my other self. But, the piercer doesnt do horizontal piercings, and apparently my tongue is too small for a second one. Hmph. BUT I am back to eating as I was before college. However, this is largely because I am off-campus again and do not ahve the option to eating in the dining hall. I have already lsot half a pound. But that's not even close to enough. I have so much to go to get to my goal.

I was talking to you the other day (you know who you are, love) and to be quite honest. I do not even remember all we talked about for four hours. I know it was some deep shit, but I was just talking about whatever and whenever anythign came to mind. I love that I can talk to you about that. And like that. You said I should see someone. And when I remembered what we were talking about, it seemed like a good idea. But now, for the life of me, I cannot remember. And do not want to see anyone. Why should I.

Cutting seems to continue to appeal. I don't know why I even do it some times. I just do. and then it doesnt occur to me to stop. I might feel the need to do so, but then after I make the first cut, I jsut continue. After a while, I am usually like 'well, I should probably stop for now.' Funny, it never occurs to me that I never thought I would continue this after having not down it for three years.

Hopefully other things wont be the same scenario...

You are all amazing!

Just a little 'hey' to my new followers!! Totally just made my night! Gonna go check out all your blogs now.

Three

So, I took these Screening tests/surveys today for the counseling services at my uni. In about two weeks they will have a general free screening and, if needed, you will ge treferred to someone. Well, the screenings were:
Alcohol
Depression
Eating Disorder
General Anxiety Disorder
PTSD
Bipolar Disorder

Well, three of these, after I took the survey, told me I should seriously consider seeking professional help. Depression. ED. GAD. I would really like to get help for my depression. But I feel like if I were to go in and talk to someone, they would find out some shit that I don't want them to find out about... I don;t want to be this sad anymore. I want to be able to DO things like I used to before Graduation Day... That day will always be a turning stone in my life... and not because I graduated either. My entire high school graduation experience is marred with horrible memories that have soiled the good times of that time. But, I used to be somewhat happy. And before she did that the forrst time, I was a happy kid. But, according to my dad, after, I was never the same... I never had that shine in my eye anymore...

I think maybe I will ask my old therapist from high school if she thinks I should talk to them about it or not. I kept a lot from her. Only told her the better shit. The shit that didn't have to do with MY feelings. After a few years, we became more friends than doctor and patient...

Three

Into the Day

You know you will hate yourself as soon as you have eaten!
Are you seriously going to eat that? You are already a fat fucking whale!
You are worthless and weak, you can't get anything right, can you?
CONTROL! Maybe you should go fucking get some
I guess they were right... (Prove them wrong and be a skinny bitch)
Just LOOK at yourself... Don't let food control you. Nasty!


Get this through your head:
You will not give up
You will not be your weakness
You will now BINGE
You will be STRONG
You will be IN CONTROL
You will be skinny & beautiful
XXX

Inspiration

Weakness

FUUCK!!!! Today I went to lunch with a friend of mine from school at the cafe. I had the biggest crush on her, butn she has a pretty cool gf, so I so would not want to ruin that. But yea, I went o lunch with her, cuz she won't go alone. Neither will I. I had the following, because I am a fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat fucking cow that should be quarantined. But yea, I had the following:

1 Piece of pizza
Squash
1 Scoop FF Vanilla Ice cream
2 cookies


FUUUCKFUCKFucKFUCKFUCKFUCK

I feel discusting. To make up for this, I will eat nothing for three days. Tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday.

Only:

Water, Coffee of course, 0 Calorie flavour packs for my water.
If I feel too faint, I will drink some diet soda to make my tummy feel like it is full. Chew a lot of gum. NO ACCEPTIONS!!!

I am tired of looking at that scale and seeinf three numbers. There should be two small, very small numbers. It also measure my BMI, or bodt fat % or whatever. That is absolutely unacceptable and will soon be fixed.

Versus

Would I rather cut or smoke and feel the need to eat? Well, that answers itself, do doubt. As far as I am concerned, I would rather cut, feel the relief, rather than smoke, feel good for a while, eat a fucking shit load and feel like crap for a couple days. But that is my opinion.

I called the state college I had planned on transferring to in the spring semester adn they told me they give pririty to third semester students first, and then work thier way down. That I would have little to no chanve of getting in. That was when I broke down. For the like, fifth time in three days. What is wrong with me? I cry over the littlest thing.

And I realized today that by the tenth of october I need to make about $400 to be able to jsut pay my uni bill this month alone.

This girl I been talkin to that likes me works at this facility that works with autistic and disadvantaged youths. Its $10.84 a week, overnight, and full-time. She said she could probably get me in and that I would make about $1200 on the training alone. Even though it is an absolutely sucky job, I am quite desperate... I', going to go for it.

And I have an interview at McDonald's on Saturday. Hopefully that goes well. Even though it is with food, I won't need to worry, because I hate the smell of that place alone. But anyways, I will be carefull.

I really don't care. even a factory job would be good.

Begining of a Temporary End

So, as I said earlier, I will fill you in. Over the summer, a friend and I got together, but not all the way of course. He is absolutely, no question, the nicest guy, hell the nicest person, I have ever met. We hung out a bit, and it went form there. My nice 'little' drug habit is a gift from him. But I never regret one day spent with him. Never. The thing is, though, we talked about it, because, form the outside view we looked like the happiest couple. But, after talking about it, decided to be jsut friends... That hurt more than I can ever explain. But, I was selfish and wanted what I could get. Let my mind read into it what it may, I didn't care. I'm not saying we DID anything, because we didn't. It was the company. The feelings of being wanted and wanting that someone back. Because those feelings were real. The day I left for college, he moved out of state to get away from the drugs and moved in with his dad. Five hours away from home... The day we left, he called me to amke sure I made it to college -- and said he loved me. I said as well without thought. And it's been like that ever since. We talk about it. He asks if I've met anyone (I think he somewhat hopes I will, because he feels he hurt me. I will never tell him that) But I don't want anyone else. I want HIM. We have both mad eit clear that we want to be together. However, distance is getting in the way. We have both said whatever happens, will happen. And that is that. For now...

The drugs... Before college, I was doing soo many drugs it wasn't even funny. And it's not like I did some, decided those weren't good anymore and did something else. Nah, if someone asked me if I wasnted to do it, I pretty much did it. Keep in mind, I was legit straight egde before I turned eighteen in January. I started smoking, and then hanging out with him, I bagan smoking every day any time of the day. Mushrooms. E. Hydro 10s. Mollie (I'm pretty sure I spelled this wrong, but yea. MDMA). Mushrooms were by far my favourite, that's for sure.

But, when I was with him, I was happy. Almost forgot about my body. However, I was always on something, so I'm sure that had a bit to do with it... But still...

This last week I haven't smoked at all. And that's really good for me. Especially since when I get really down, I'll just get baked out of my mind, then hide my keys so I can't go get food, so that way, I have the wonderful feeling, but stop myself from being able to go get food and eat.

Ultimately...?

Someone recently asked me if I had an ultimate goal weight... I said I did not... Now, though, the thought will not get out of my head.





75.





It is such a pretty number. A pretty size.




I weighed myself today. It is absolutely unacceptable. Discusting. I don't even want to look at myself. How can anyone else? They are probably jsut humoring me into thinking that, but they are really thinking, wow, she's gained weight. And I fucking have, too. It's not a lie. I lost myself when I lost him. When I came here. I went this way, he went that way. I guess I should start this over and explain...

Made a new profile tonight.

Long time no see

Wow. It's been soo long since i posted. Sorry bout that. It's been really hard with family shit. Haven't had too much time... But anyways. I'm starting a two week fast beginning at midnight. 17 hours away. Someone is doing it with me, so there will be no going back. Period. No questions asked. Sooo glad.

Getting another tongue piercing soon too. That seems to help. No choice to even think bout eating anything!!

NEW

Yay. I bought a new scale form the store today. Hopefully it will be coming in the mail by wednesday or thursday. This scale measures body fat %, weight, water %. It even tells you how many calories you should consume to stay at that weight. Or you could look at it as how less calories to consume to lose mad weight. Also, I got some niice paper and markers and such from a neighbour who was moving and am going to make a niice sheet that has the ABC on it and place it on my wall so I can see it every day. I have also been collecting a lot of thinspo for my dorm when I go away in a month (finally).

Also, there's a new boy in my life (finally, ditto). He's pretty sweet. He has been coming in to my work for months and I have been wanting to ask for his number but have always felt that he would say no. I mean, I feel like, who would actually give ME thier number..? And the other day he asked for mine and we ahve been hangin out a lot. Just talking mostly. I'm not really sure what I want though. I mean, I do, but on the other hand, I'm leaving soon and I am so sick of getting hurt... I just don't want to feel any worse about leaving than I already do

But, I have been having some pretty late nights. as soon as my scale gets here, I will be starting the ABC. As for now, I am pretty much having coffee for breakfast. Perhaps some fat free yogurt and a bit of fruit for lunch ish (around three) and then some more coffee, maybe, around six. Usually, I am full for the rest of the day though form the yogurt. TOday, though, I fell and had a small bit of pizza. God, I can't WAIT to leave work and all the nasty food there. It will be so much better.


XXX

FOrever

What ever happened to forever? You were always there by my side.

I looked and you were gone.
Come back Come back Come back to me
Forever is such a long time to wait...

I was tired and felt like writing. I havent written in years, and here I go again...

All Gone

So, all my progress has been shoved down the toilet. My mom left, and my dad like, stopped eaating. He lost fifteen pounds in four days. He isn't a small guy and I think he feels that if he looses the weight, he will be 'good enough' for my mom again. So, in order to get him to eat, I was making dinner whenever he was home. I have gained back some of my weight, I WILL NOT be saying how much I have gained back, but lets just say, it was too fucking much. I am basically taking care of everyone and everything in and of the house now that my mom is gone. My dad is still hoping she will realize what she did was a mistake - leaving him for another guy - but, to be honest, she has burned all her bridges with me. She has broken my dad's heart time and again, and I am not going to stand by anymore and make her feel like she isn't ruining my brother and sister's lives by this.

MOre later. People are waking up.


XX

UP...FAIL

The last week has been really weird for me... I cannot seem to control myself. All I want is junkfood. Just the thouhgt of eating something else does not even occur to me. But it all will end tomorrow. Today, I finally graduated officially. Off to college soon xD But seriously, tomorrow, I will begin truly cutting out any and all junkfood. And if I don't like it, well, too damn bad. I have a lot of fat-free yogurt, milk, veggies, fruits, and (once a week only, tops, Boca).

I haven't weighed myself in more than a few days. The last time I checked (Monday) i was all the way back up to 100.0 lbs. HORRIBLE.

I recently found a gym that is pretty cheap. Only 20 bucks a month. But I have doubts about it. We shall see. I am going to continue running in the mornings before showering.

Tomorrow:
Coffee w/truvia, fat free skinny creamer
Fat-Free Yogurt
One Apple
Sobe 0 cal green tea
Water
More cofee

XX

A visual For Ya

Here is a picture I took when I weighed about 103... I am now down to 97, but i don't really feel like I've lost any weight... I felt it was time to show you guys how nasty I am. I mean, Especially my hips and ass. That is my least favourite part of my body. They are just so fucking huge and nasty. Running up the stairs makes me feel like shit... But Im practically too tired to keep typing and to actually make sense, so I will continue this lovrly post latre.

The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive--you are leaking. - Fran Lebowitz

XX

ABC

Hey, today was absolutely horrible. There is no really other way to put ot other than FUCK ME. I am weakweakweak. Granted I am down to my weight goal of 97, that is not what really counts. My mom bought oreos the other day after I specifically asked her not to. And she even put them in my room. Needless to say I did not resist and gave in. I was doing so well too. So, tomorrow, I am going to just drink coffee and water. And around 4, right before I go to work, I will have a fat free yogurt.


15 June

Breakfast: 730a
5 oz. Soymilk
BLueberry muffin
Lunch: 330p
Boca Sppicy Chik'n Patty w/ketchup
Sm. White Hamburger Bun
Dinner: 8p
1.5 in sub (1 tbs honey mustard and 1 tb. yellow mustard, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, red pepper, black pepper)
cookie...




Plan For 16 June

Breakfast: 930a
Coffee w/ cream and sugar

Take max for VERY LONG walk. Approx. 1-hour. Maybe go to the park or something?
If needed, have another cup of coffee around 2.

Lunch: 400p
Fat Free Yogurt
Water
~~~

On another note, as of today, I am done with high school. I have to go to my graduation still, but today was the last time I had to go in for some form of educational purposes! It hasn't quite hit me yet, but the next time I will be going back to school, I will be going to college. Wow.

Also, beginning Thursday, I am going to start the ABC Diet because I am out of school now. I'll kepp you guys(whoever that may be xD) updated

XX

Update

This morning I was down to 99.8! I have lately been having a glass of soymilk in the morning (can't ahve coffee :hmph:) about a cup or applesauce and water around lunch time, and about a cup of squash with a little brown sugar after i get home from work around ten thirty.

Another good point... I had to wear my old work pants today that I used to wear a few months ago, and they are HUGE on me. I was constantly pulling them up during work, because I couldn't get a belt from anyone at work and those were the only pants I had. Haha.

XX

Niice Fasting Plan

I got my tongue pierced today aroung noon. I didn't eat anyhting beforehand and couldn't eat anything afterwards of course. It is now eleven at night and I've had one small glass of chocolate silk. :) So proud of myself. I'll post my weight tomorrow.

Does anyone have any measuring tips I could use? I'm going to start measuring myself as well...

Lower

I am so happy. I wasn't able to get to a scale yesterday so I was all worried that I had gained weight. When I got on the scale today, I was down to 100.8!!!! perhaps I will start doing that randomly - not weighing myself and just super restricting on those days.

Also, very sunny -- this guy I used to, well, still kinda do, have a crush on (i've smoked with him a couple times, hung out) apparently likes me. I even made a facebook yesterday. I really have no reason to be on there really, except I wanted to get in touch with some people... okay, okay, in touch with him. But, we were supposed to meet up today at the feild days and I ended up getting called into work. Hopefully, I'll be able to hang out with him soon. :)

Haven'y eaten anything yet today. Just had my morning cup of coffee as usual.

XX

Epic Fail

Yesterday was a failure. I have been doing really good as of late. Not eating very much. No breakfast except coffee, something small and fat free for lunch. And just a yogurt or small fruit for dinner. Then, yesterday, I worked with one of my friends and she always eats SO much. And the bad part is, she always wants me to make it for her becasue she asys that I make it well, but then, she always wants me to eat with her. Yesterday, I ate a smaller half of a persoanl viggie pizza (at Subway). That was at 1930h and I still feel gross at 955h the next morning. UGH!!

Luckily, I work a ten hour shift today with people that don't often eat at work. Yay :)

And Dunkin Donuts gives us free coffee so we are all goo-ood. Lotsa fat free coffee to fill up my tummy. YAY. Well, gotta go to work, but I am going to blog more. I don'y know who I am talking to though, because I don't really expect any followers. Even though that would be cool, jsut won't get my hopes up, ya know?

XX

Dear Lovely

Dear Lovely,

I know you know you think you are on to something, but I would be helped so much more if you would just leave it be. So, what? You think that just by asking me if I am anorexic or even remotely anything along those lines, that I am going to just simply jump up and shout 'Oh, why, YES! How could I have not known. Now everything is so much better!!' Fuck. That.

Just leave it be. there is nothing wrong here. I should know when and even if I am too skinny. I love you, but there is nothing to fix here, so, please, stop trying. I will be leaving soon and will be away form everyone. I cannot wait!

Love Always
sAm

Uh-Oh Physical

Well, I have a physical tomorrow morning for college. My doctor is alreqdy suspicious, as, I think, I mentioned before. Cannot remember. But what is she going to think when she sees that I have lost more weight? It makes me happy, but I KNOW that she will not understand. I'm just not as hungry as most people are. I don't need as much. Perhaps if I down a LOT of water right before. And some coffee, of course. Cannot keep going without that...

Almost Sly

My therapist, I think, might be 'on to me' as some would put it. I was talking to her about how many calories and fat is in a cookie, because she offered me one, and I just went off about how bad it was and how bad it would make me feel if I were to eat it. Luckily, though, my session ended and I go tto leave. and there;s only a few more weeks of school and then I won't be able to see her anymore because I am graduating. But, I don;t really want to think about that, because I have been seeing her since eighth grade - when I began cutting... Crap, someone's here. Write more later. :)

Coffee Coffee Coffee and Espresso Shots at IHOP

Breakfast
Lunch:
Coffee with 1% milk and 2 tsp. sugar
Small bowl of raisin bran with 1% milk
Dinner:
XL Coffee from DD
1 Packet Strawberries & Cream oatmeal

Today I was worried all day because I wasn't home this morning so I wasn't able to weigh myself on my own scale. I used my freinds and it said 100 (not digital, so thats about as close as I could figure), but I don't know just how accurate her scale is so yea...

Friday (yesterday) was my prom. It was pretty good i guess. Certainly not the 'amazing night' everyone makes it out to be that's for sure. It was fun, just not amazing. I had a better time at IHOP after prom. We got there at like 2 in the morning. The waiter was mad flirting with me. That is where the espresso shots come in. We did them together, but mine ended up half espresso half coffee. Ha. I'm a horrible cheater. Even though its kind of far away, next time I;m in the area, I will certainly be going back. It was kind of difficult at IHOP though, with at the fat foods. I ended up getting a crepe with banana and very little nuttella[sp?]. No whip cream of course.

I was quite happy though, I didn't eat and junk food today or fatty foods, so that's just awesome of course. By the end of the week I vow to be down to AT LEAST 99.

And, by the way, my dress was not as loose as when I tried it on from getting fitted, so thats an improvement too. And I danced ALOT. good bye some calories.

Here it is For you To See...

Today, I did so very well. Here is what I ate all day:
Breakfast:
Coffee with lite cream and 2 tsp sugar.
Lunch:
1/2 Veggie Sandwich (1 piece bread total)
Dinner:
Apple
Coffee with lite cream and 2 tsp. sugar

My weight, sadly, was up to 102.8 this morning so I also exercised for two total hours today to burn off that cupcake that was forced upon me yesterday. It was my brother's birthday and was quite pressured to eat one and so as not to arouse suspition, I ATE IT! I am a pig and should have tried to get out of it harder. Soon, though, I will be going away to college and will not have to worry about people noticing what I eat.

I have devised a plan to goet them off my backs though. I make sure that I get something to 'eat' and bring it in my room. Then, becasue I always get food that is not going to go bad or anything, just keep it in my room until I get home from work, when everyone is sleeping and put it back.

Friday is my senior prom and hopefully my dress is loose. My tailor did it a week ago and when I tried it on, it was a big snug. I felt so discusting and fat. I'll let you know (if there really is anyone actually reading this, which would be pretty cool I guess) how that goes. Especially the dinner part. And my attemp at putting make-up on and making my hair look super niice.

I have been reading Wasted, by Marya Hornbacher. An awesome book by the way. Whenever I am feeling weak, I read more and more of the book, over and over again if I have to even. It has really helped me. Although not in the way that it was intended. :)

Why Can I Not Forget Him??

SO, today, I was working and my ex came in. He isn't just an ex though- he was my first boyfriend. The story with him is as follows:

He saw me in the hallway and it took him 3 weeks to figure out who I was. When he did, we started talking, then dated for a shprt while, then jumped into the relationship phase, so to speak. (The thing with that, is,m I tend to do that more foten than not. jump right into things i mean, I know it's not good for me, but tha's just what happens)He was pushy, and kind of mean in the way that he was always telling me that he had all these other girlfriends and everything. He told me we should 'take a break' essentially because I wouldn't sleep with him or give him head. Then, we didn't talk for five months and then he reandomly texted me and we kind of got together again, then I realized he was seeing a 15 year old, even though I had specifically asked him if he was seeing anyone else. He even told me he loved me. I never said it back, but that's not entirely my point. So i broke up with him, and today, in he walks. I don't want to have feelings for him. And I thought I didn't. I was sure I didn't. But seeing him today, we were being civil and he was being nice. and I was smiling, even though I was trying not to. I don;t like that he has that effect on me. It doesn't make any sense that I should have feelings for him. He broke my heart and hurt me in so many ways. It doesn;t make any sense!

On a better note though, I have gotten down to 100.7 a new low for me - which is awesome. I'm that close to getting thin finally. I noticed that I have discusting love handles. Everyone envies me for not having them, but I see them and they are nasty. I DON'T even want to look at myself anymore. It hurts that I feel I am losing everyone. I can't tell them about my body or my emotions. Npt even him. I just don't know what I should do, it's just so confusing and it doesn't make any sense.


Breakfast:
Coffee w/lite cream and 1.5 tsp. sugar
Lunch:
Raisin Bran with milk
Dinner:
One stuffed shell ( I had to go to dinner and had to eat a little bit just to show them. I felt horrible. All those calories and cheese. It doesn't bellong inside me. Nothing does.)
Chef garden salad, no dressing (had lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, spinach)

Today was horrible. I was at work, and when I was wrapping cookies, I found myself reaching out and grabbing a chocolate chip cookie from the tray. After I ate it, I felt horrible. The entire time I was eating and chewing it - ugh! the thought of this is making me sick - I was thinking 'I shouldn't be eating this. My thighs are fucking huge.' Even though I am a tmy lowest since my mad crazy weekend and unthinkable hangover, it still isn't enough.

When I had that hangover, I did'nt eat anything for a little over a day and a half. I had managed to get down to 101.9 then. This morning when I weighed myself, I was down to 101.2!!


Today's Intake:
Coffee with light cream and little sugar
Morning Star Boca Patty w. small ketchup and one piece of wheat bread. 250 cal
Kid's size Subway Sub. 300 cal
Chocolate Chip Cookie. Too Many Cal
This is more calories than I have eaten in almost two weeks. I feel discusting and, even though I am too ckicken shit to actually do it, I was sososo tempted to try to throw up at work today after I ate that sub.. Tomorrow I will make up for it

Tomorrow:
Breakfast
Coffee with light cream and sugar.
Lunch
Lipton Cup of Soup 90 cal
Snack/Dinner
Pear 80 cal
Ten grapes 15 cal


Last night I logged onto the internet, and my ex and i ended up actually talking. He was really clingy and I felt bad because we used to be really good friends. I can tell that he wants to try and make it work again, but I know that is definitely a VERY bad idea. I'm not sure hif I regret talking to him or not. Was it a mistake to make him seem like I am still ven remotely interested in him? I think probably, yes.

Just a Reminder for Ma. haha.

So, I'm supposed to be writing a ten page paper about anorexia for my beginner Sociology class right now. It was due three days ago. Lately I've been ahving trouble sleeping, so when I get home, I'm just so damn tired. Tomorrow is the cut-off date for late papers that my professor will actually look at, so I fugure I should probably do it. It's just that, I'm doing all this 'statistical, factual' research and it is pissing me off. I'm trying to keep my paper neutral and whatnot, and not go overboard with saying something like, being five four, if you weight 120 lbs. go get some damn help. ew, figure that might cause some questions that are quite unwanted. I'm finally back down to 102. For about a week I was at 103.4 and today I checked and was so happy to see that I was once again at least back down to 102.0, which is pretty good. I did quite well today with eating.

Breakfast: Coffee with light 'creamer' and a little sugar.
Lunch: 100 calorie fruit and grain bar. Apple juice
Snack: 4 small apple slices.
Dinner: 2 small Boca Tacos (Hard shell, boca, lettuse, spinach, tomato, teaspoon taco sauce. Grape juice

I'm so happy I stayed away from junk food today. Lately I see and and want to try just a little bite, but I know it is definitely NOT worth it.

Oooh! And I found these LIpton Cup o' Soup things at the grocery store today, and a wholw mug of soup is only 45 calories. And they will probably fill me up for a while, which is niice. But they won't make me feel overful. haha.

Probably should get back to writing that essay now... Damn, so don't want to though.

it' not so bad,now is it?

Coffee with cream and sugar 150 calories
1/2 cup special k w/milk 150 calories
pear 80 calories
apple juice 60 calories

total: 440 calories

So glad i avoided those brownies today!! dont even know why i made them. They just taunt me. damn how the hell do you spell taunt?!?! it so doesnt look right. haha
woke up today and had a really bad headache. weird because i havent had one in a while. not since i started drinking coffee that is. but maybe its becasue in the last couple weeks ive been really watching how much i eat. i try to stay under 600 calories. today was quite an accomplishment! im so happy. i know i may have a problem, but i cant bring myself to say anything. i like feeling empty. light. i realized it feels just as bad to feel too full as it does to feel hungry. and i feel happier when im hungry. what is so bad about that?

Should That Make Me Feel Good...?

When people comment on how skinny I am, I act like it doesn't phase me. Or that it's just whatever. But on the inside I am jumping for joy. And when I see people looking at me in public, I feel awesome. I feel better than them, because I have more control and they are weakweakweak. Even my best friend. She is SOSOSO not skinny really. But shes not supermajor fat. She has this joke. She says I have 'Hip Bones of DEATH' and I just pass it off like she never said anything, but it always makes me feel better.

Today, I ate a small brownie and felt so discusting. why did I have to eat that. It was quite unneccesary. So, for the rest of the day all I did was exercise and drink water. But that. Where did that get me...

Taking Advantage

Never thought I'd be blogging about this... It has been a long time coming though I guess. I remember, people have always called me skinny, but I never really paid much attention. I saw a picture of myself in 8th grade and it totally discusted me. And that scared me. But I have decided that's maybe a bad thing, but not completely. I am 5'4'' and in 8th grade i weighed around 120 lbs. give or take a couple pounds. I never really paid much attention to it. Back then, I was always taller than my friends. Then, they all caught up to me. However, witht height they all gained weight too.

Now, I am a Senior in high school and weigh 102 lbs. Still the same height. Yet, I'm not happy with it. I feel I could loose more and look better. Much. Much. Better. No one has noticed this. No onenoticed when I stopped eating breakfast. Then junk food. Then only ate a small bit here and there. I think maybe it kind of started when I became vegetarian. After that, I gradually lost the weight, and it didn't really occur to me too much.

About a year ago, my doctor took notice that I was down to 114 lbs. and she would ask me if there was anything wrong. I always said - and still say - no. No No No No No No No NO

Then, I got sick and was down to 107 lbs. I felt proud of myself for being that small. When my doctor told me I was in the twelfth percentile for my height and whatnot, all I could think was 'I can get to a smaller percentile than that, definitely.'

I've been stuck at 102 lately but I want less. Less is more, they always do say. Even just 101 would be niice. But, then what? What happens when I get to 101?

I recently heard about this place called Ophelia's Place kind of close to where I live and I was thinking about talking to them, or even talking to my therapist, but then I got to thinking. I don't know if I'm ready to get help yet. It's not a problem yet. Obviously not becasue no one even noticed yet.

Does that even make any sense...